Talking objects
What inanimate (non-living) item do you think would be interesting or funny if it could talk? Explain the item, what it does and give us some examples of what it might say should it be able to talk.
Hi my name is Timmy and I am the main toilet for the Ryan family for the last 10 years when they moved into their forever home. They purchased me in the plumbing store and I have been with them ever since in a nice ventilated room on the first floor. Some of the other objects look at me and say I have the shitiest job in the world but I quite enjoy it actually. I think I am the most important family members in the house after the cat. Without me is a disaster so I am always fixed quickly if I ever break. I get fed regularly. The lady of the house gives me a good scrub with the Bernard brush every week so I am shining and sparkling. I get to keep tabs on the latest food & drink trends that are going through the household (literally). Life is a bit harder for me since the kids were born but overall I can't complain and I hope to be around for another 10 years. I have Samantha Shower and Sally sink to keep me company all day so life is good. I will give you a glimpse into the interesting life I lead on a daily basis over the course of a week.
Monday
10....9....8....7....6....5....4....3....2....1. Door opens. Like clockwork every morning at 8am Jim (the father of the house) comes in for his daily shite. He is never late and after he is done with me he has a shave in Sally sink and a wash in Samantha Shower. Sometimes Jim is drinking Guinness on the Sunday night and he absolutely destroys me. Those ones are like black tar and tough to swallow so he keeps me on my toes. He looks at the phone while he sits on me and sometimes he takes ages. Jim always leaves a couple of dozen skid marks at the back of my bowl and can't be arsed cleaning them. I have to wait until Mary (The mother) to get up to give me a clean with the toilet brush. She does it whilst cursing Jim calling him every name under the sun.
Jim lets the families St Bernard dog in at 8.30am and he comes straight up to drink out of my bowl. He hates drinking the mains water supply. His big furry head just fills the bowl and he takes a good drink of toilet water. I don't think the family are aware of this but he comes up for a chat. He tells us that he made a big dump out the back for Jim to pick up which always makes me feel good about myself.
The new member of the family who is around 2 years old came in and looked down my bowl and scampered off again. He came back with his tractor and teddy and threw them down me. Mary gave out to him and had to sterilize the tractor and teddy. The teddy nearly blocked my pipes and I was lucky I didn't spill over. The kids went to school and Jim and Mary went to work so we had the bathroom to ourselves the whole day.
In the evening Mary sneaked up and gave me a few malteesers for supper. I like Mary. Never destroys me. Little parcels. Lady parcels. Nice and neat. One square of toilet roll. Sometimes she even halves the ply as she is always spotless. One of my hidden features is a bum check and Mary's is always gleaming. Unlike Jim and his monster bombs. However Mary goes to the wee 17 times before she goes to bed for some reason so she keeps me awake for a while and I spend my time trying to fil my cistern as fast as possible. It's all in her head that she needs to go. Only a few dribbles every time. Where Jim takes a long slash that could go on for 6 minutes.
Tuesday
I'm wrecked after Jim again with his marathon shit session, Mary made Madras curry on the Monday night and it didn't agree with him. There were prawns in it so that could be the cause. Jim has always been a delicate butterfly when it comes to Asian food. His rectum was red raw after he was done. It was practically on fire and he limped off my bowl and said his hoop was in ribbons. He cursed Mary's cooking skills before he flushed me. He was into me again 10 minutes later cursing and swearing.
The baby threw a few more objects down my bowl again. I wonder where he goes to the toilet as he hasn't had one since he arrived two years ago. Mary came into the toilet and got sick for the first time in 3 years. I don't mind vomit but I don't like when it is both a poo, a wee and a vomit. The two bucket bug as they call it. Hope Mary is OK, she looked a bit green around the gils. Although the Morris Mirror over Sally sink tells us she is glowing and her breasts are after getting larger. Hmmmmm. News downstairs from Frankie Fridge is that Mary is combining coleslaw with fish fingers. Something is up.
Wednesday
Mary comes in after one of Jim's monstrosities. She doesn't reach for the toilet brush this time. She reaches into Vinny the Vanity unit and takes out what looks like a thermometer. She sits down on me and does a wee on it. She waits anxiously for 10 minutes. Checks the stick and starts crying uncontrollably. I wonder what this could be?? Jim comes in a few hours later and does a vomit. It was the toilet equivalent of over time. I haven't seen Jim flush those balloons down me in a good while. Maybe that's is the reason.
Thursday
The children are crying. Jim sneaks in with a fish bowl and empties the contents down my bowl. It looks to be a small lifeless golden fish. I do my job and flush accordingly. No questions asked. I am loyal to Jim. I ain't talking to no police! Mary is weeing every 15 minutes since she did a wee on the stick. She said there is something kicking her kidneys.
Jim cuts his toenails over me that evening. One of the nails bounced off my bowl and nearly cracked Morris Mirror. We speak about this the next day. Morris Mirror was thankful nobody was hurt in the nail cutting as this is how Tony Toothbrush holder was smashed last year. Jim covered it up.
Friday
The toddler came in again and took all the toilet roll off the wall and stuffed it down me. I nearly suffocated so I had to overflow for the first time ever. It was a perilous situation. Mary ran and got Jim. Jim came in with Percy plunger. The paramedic of the toilet world. One of Jim's logs was on the ground with the waste water looking up at us smiling. The shoe is on the other foot now Jimmmmyyyy boyyyy. Jim cursed his young son while he was unblocking me with Percy. Finally I caught my breath and the water disappeared down my drain. Phew, that was a close one!
Saturday
Jim was out on the booze again Friday after he saved my life so it was another nightmare ordeal in the toilet at 9am. I am worried about Jim as it can't be healthy what is coming out of him and the speed it is doing it. He will have problems in later life. I am not sure if I will be still around by then as Jim's massive mud balls are after leaving a permanent stain on my landing zone. Mary tried to brush it off with bleach but it was impossible which is slightly worrying for me. She spoke about redecorating as she was "nesting" whatever that means.
Sunday
My favourite day of the week. Mary is not religious and she gives me a good bleaching and scrubbing with Bernard brush. I feel like a million dollars. I held back a flush and let the bleach go to work on my permanent stain this. "Maybe we won't need a new toilet after all" says Mary. Jim hit me a pat on the cistern.
"We can't get rid of Timmy toilet." said Jim lovingly while he reminisced about all the massive shits he had in me. The good times and the bad. We have been through so much.
"Timmy is family"
I gave a flush when Jim said that and him and Mary both looked down and hugged.
Everything was gonna be alright!
