Foreplay: the actions we take in the lead-up to sex in order to help our partner and ourselves be ready for the act of coming together sexually.
In the past, I've been rubbish at foreplay. As someone who has experienced a lot of average, bad and even f*cking awful sex with people who I really wasn't that into but thought I had to have sex with anyway (for a variety of reasons that could fill a book) I have, historically, regularly forced my body to do what I thought I had to do.
Life isn't always pretty. Let's be honest.
At 41, I've had a lot of time to reflect on the good, bad and ugly of the many sexual encounters I've had in my life. I've had more sex with more people than I'll ever publicly admit to mostly because many societies shame women for having a lot of sex (even if they applaud men for the same set of behaviours).
All that experience--and especially the good, great and wonderful experiences--has taught me a lot about what turns me on and what doesn't.
Thankfully, a lot of the great sexual experiences I've had have been with my current partner, who will, no doubt be reading this and feeling somewhat shocked that I'm talking about sex so openly on Hive. (Hi babe 👋)
So, back to foreplay, the "playing before sex" thing that is the whole subject of this post.
Now that I do feel like I can actively and deliberately choose who I have sex with and when, I have spent more time thinking about whether I want to have sex on a particular day, or not. And what things would help me feel more like having sex.
I've also noticed what things make me feel less like having sex. Let's start with those because many of these things will likely be the same for you if you are in a sexual partnership of any kind.
Things that turn me off:
- Having an argument with my partner
- Worrying about work, money, my family, friends or the state of the world
- Being very, very tired
- Watching or hearing my partner do something I find disgusting
- Consuming any kind of information or story (e.g. news media, book, movie, etc) that makes me feel a really strong "negative" emotion (such as fear, sadness, anger, etc)
They're the top ones. Sure, there are lots of little other things but these are the things that happen the most to turn me off.
As you might imagine, avoiding these things is likely to help me feel more receptive to the idea of having sex. But there are other things that turn me on. Here are the main ones:
- Non-sexual but intimate touch (it could be a big bear hug or simply touching me on the hip as my partner walks past)
- Being called lovely nicknames (such as babe, love, princess, sweetheart, darling)
- Listening to me when I speak
- Showing me that he has my back about a decision I'm making or a project I'm working on
- Doing things that show me he cares about me
All of these--and especially the first two since they are my strongest love languages--help me to feel safe and relaxed.
In order to have sex and enjoy it, we all need to feel safe and relaxed. Every single one of us. So whatever we can do to tip the odds in this direction will increase the chances of sex happening that day/night and both people enjoying it.
Now, this might seem like a strange thing for me to write about. I think it is. But I think it's important to challenge ourselves to talk more about the things that so often get shoved under the carpet. The taboo. The secrets. That which must not be discussed.
So while it's uncomfortable for me to discuss, I'm doing it anyway.
I think the more we can have open and honest conversations about sex and all things related to sex the more we'll create the space for healthy and empowering sexual interactions.
Thanks, Galen for the prompt. I don't think I ever would have written my thoughts on this topic without you.
If you're reading this and thinking, "What the actual f*ck, I want to write about interesting topics like this!" then check out this post for this post prompt and several others.
And if you're brave, willing, honest enough to share what thoughts came up for you as you read this post please feel free to share them in a comment below.
Don't be a dickhead now. No nasties, please. Just consider, what did you learn? Or maybe share what turns you on. And, what turns you off? Are they similar to mine? Or quite different?
As you can see, it doesn't need to be crazy personal. It doesn't need to be X-rated ridiculousness. It may well be that the things that turn you on are the things that make you feel seen, heard and loved. Right?
