One of the very first posts I wrote when I just joined Hive was about attachment styles. I doubt you read that post, but if you want to read it now, please check it out here.
In that post, I talked about how the attachment styles we develop as adults is influenced by our upbringing – essentially, what type of parents you have. I won’t really go into the details, but basically, if you were someone that grew up around parents that were present both physically and emotionally, showed you a lot of love and created a home where you felt safe, you’re more like to develop a secure attachment style, and this will reflect in your adult relationships as knowing your worth and value (good self-esteem), identifying toxic relationships, your ability to love and be loved right, and being a secure partner over all.
The reverse would be the case if you grew up in a house where parents were absent either physically or emotionally absent, or constantly fighting. This how partners that need an unhealthy amount of attention and constant reassurance are conditioned.
For me, I feel like I didn’t grow up in the best environment and I’ve seen my upbringing manifest in some of my adult relationships. And why this is, I think is because my parents were not around much. My mum did her best to be present both physically and emotionally and showered me with immense and intense love, but I lost her before I turned 15, so I had to grow up rather fast after that, and it can be difficult losing your mother at one of the most instrumental years of your life. This was also the year I went to Senior High School, so it was a tough time for me. At the time, I didn’t really grasp what that would mean for my life because I was young and very naive. Except for my 2 sisters who I have a great relationship with, my relationship with the rest of my siblings went downhill. Surprisingly (or not), my relationship with my dad improved a little because he's been the only parent I have.
My dad is alive and well. Unfortunately, his idea of love was very different from my mom’s, if you know what I mean. Because of that, I didn’t build a great relationship with him, and even though our relationship is somewhat better now, it’s definitely not the best it can be, but I don’t see it getting better. I think it’s also affected my ability to show affection the way I’d like to, because I didn’t grow up in an environment where it was comfortable and normal to show the type of love I want to show as an adult.
Consequently, I show a hot and cold behavior in romantic relationships because of the constant battle of conditioning from my upbringing against the new identity and person I want to become. A lot of people usually interpret this as toxicity, and I don’t really blame them because I never tell them the details of what created this behavior. I have definitely done well to be conscious of myself though, pulling myself out when I notice it happening.
Anyways, I feel that the absence of my mother in my most crucial molding years has affected my ability to connect with and stay connected with people. She was the strongest pillar in my life at the time and after losing a pillar that just as it became the most familiar sense of love and safety for me, I have struggled with keeping up with people, and seeing the permanency in human relationships.
So, I guess the most important thing I didn’t get from my parents has been a mother that stayed? But I can’t blame my parents because this was just part of the natural cycle of life, not their doing. Regardless I try to build empathy and emotional intelligence, so that I watch myself, my interactions with people and how it affects them. I’m not always the best, but I make conscious effort to “fix myself” as someone I know used to say, because not getting these things is not a valid excuse to be a shitty person, friend or partner.
All images are mine
Posted Using InLeo Alpha