Autumn inspires me. The crisp smell of the morning air, sunrise turning the already vibrant leaves into an inferno of color briefly. Nature prepares to take a rest; the squirrels start burying thousands of nuts, most of which they will not personally find. I watch the deer who walk my street in the early hours. Invested in their gentle wandering, ever flighty yet brave.
Last fall my heart sank when I noticed a young buck in the pack had a pretty nasty leg injury. His limp made him straggle behind, I felt certain that he would not make it. To say I was pleased to notice him recently is an understatement. He is a personal hero of mine.
Life is a test of perseverance. Sometimes beauty is in the struggle. He's bulky now, a slight limp providing a sort of swagger. I survived.
Have you ever upheld your personal values, but it turned out to your detriment?
As summer comes to a close, I've been feeling really funky about how I spent the warmer days. Being a GOOD mother is the most important thing to me- but who writes the rules on that? We are left to pick and choose the values we base parenting around, there is no such thing as the "perfect" way to do things. Each situation, each child, is different.
My childhood was less than pleasant, and so I really have pushed myself to give my children all the things I lacked as a kid. I had poor nutrition, an absence of meaningful engagement, an unstable home situation. It seemed like these were easy things to provide, but experience has humbled me.
My personal values demand that I ace this mom thing, yet it turns out that there are a LOT of small trials and tasks involved. I really understand the whole "It takes a village" mindset that seems to have been lost to time in the US now. I've never been so aware that I am ONE person.
For four years I have been blessed to care for two beautiful babies who make every day an adventure, but to say it was smooth sailing for me would be a disservice.
I was determined to breastfeed, and I did for the most part. Low supply and the inability to pump made it a challenge though. Both of my kids wanted to do what is called "cluster feeding" for basically 7/8 months. They had to so they got enough milk probably, this always made me feel awful. Postpartum depression hit me both times like a ton of bricks.
I don't think people really TALK to children enough. So, as I go about my day, I often narrate what I am doing. "I'm stirring the red pot with the wooden spoon. Ooo the stove sure is hot!" I sound like some kind of childrens show wacko, but it pays off. My kids are brilliant.
Making homemade baby food, cloth diapering, preparing healthy meals, trying to be better educated so I am a good teacher... It is wonderful to do these things, but I really pushed myself a bit too hard.
Which brings me to the next question:
Have you ever wanted someone so much you'd have done anything for them?
My husband is a sweet man, who has far less life experience than I do. When we met he had recently finished college and was moving into his first apartment at 26. Nothing wrong with that, it's just something I can't relate to. I was 28 then, and had lived on my own for over a decade. This didn't matter much for a long while, then it really did... I'll get back to that.
My daughter was two when we started dating, and they took to each other right away. Our relationship moved SUPER fast. We were living together and engaged after four months. I love him with a fierce passion that sometimes feels like madness.
When our son was born, my husband wanted to take a promotion at work- one that I asked him not to. Why would I do that? Well, he was moving up to executive chef, which yes is AMAZING, but I knew he wouldn't be around much. In the coming days I would need support.
Our son screamed for six months. It broke me. I took him to every specialist, cut dairy and soy out of my diet in case he had an allergy, I desperately tried to fix him. Only time could do that it turns out. He is happy now, and I enjoy his little giggles like a tonic for the days that ground my mind to dust. In the midst of all that, my husband and I wanted to set our wedding date. I can do it!
My personal values and desire to make my husband happy made me push myself, while he started a work schedule that ranged from 60-70 hours a week. At times he pulled as many as 90 hours some weeks, when you count the commute. It was brutal, so I started planning a wedding too!
Have you ever allowed hate to cloud your judgement?
I made it through the colic, I planned a beautiful wedding, I kept everything together. Until one day I didn't. I was crushed under the weight of perpetual exhaustion, health issues and very little self-care led to a total burn out. My anxiety spiked and being anxious makes me angry.
You don't make decisions well when you are looking through a spiteful lens. I hated my husband for taking the promotion, for breaking his agreement to be there for me. I hated myself for not just being better. I hated society for being so toxic to mothers. I hated my family for not being supportive like other peoples are. I hated I hated I hated. UGH. A small part of me just snapped... c l o u d y.
Would you ever give your life so that someone else may live?
In the sense that (I assume) this question was asked, yes I would. Of course. I'd die for my children, my husband, or to save a group of other lives. However, I'm going to turn this question to another direction. It became time to give up parts of my old life, so that I could be a thriving matriarch.
I started to kill the parts of me that no longer served the life I have. I'm still in fight or flight mode, yet there isn't anything to fight but myself. I need to adapt, the world doesn't bend for us, and to expect it to is childish. I was angry about things that I had decided to do!
So what did I do? I started writing, every day. Even when I don't want to. Even when kids are climbing me, or I'd much rather be napping. I pulled myself up off of the couch, and chose to get M O V I N G!
I took some time to acknowledge that in less than three years, my husband's life completely changed. My expectations of myself weren't the only ones that were far too high! I was angry at him for carrying on in the best way he knew how to in tough circumstances. My hatefulness clouded my ability to communicate. I was trying to uphold my values to the detriment of us both.
I've spent the last month trying to really work through my damage and give earth for new soul sustenance to flourish. Unfortunately, I also gave an SSRI a chance, which turned out badly.
I woke up a few days ago covered in sweat, with my heart racing. Out of nowhere I felt WILD. Over the next two days it got worse, until yesterday I knew for sure that I was having a bad reaction to the medication. I spent Friday outside, enjoying the foliage with the kiddos, which provided a much needed recentering, as well as the photos above.
In the evening my daughter and I had a "Girl's Party"! She doesn't get nearly enough one on one time these days, so I wanted to make her feel special. A day outdoors followed by snacks and a good movie is rejuvenating! I had the great joy of showing her Howl's Moving Castle for the first time!
I have a Calcifer tattoo, so when he made his appearance she shrieked "It's him! It's really him!" grabbing my arm to compare, dumbfounded. I painted her nails, adding owl decals- her favroite animal. Then we did face masks. It always makes me laugh how the mask droops on her face, they dont make them in kids sizes that I've found lol! She's so fun :)
I spent yesterday morning scrubbing my house down, because we actually had a B A B Y S I T T E R! Excited for rare Saturday plans, I wanted to go into the evening with a productive day behind me. Around five, my mother-in-law came over to get the kids to sleep, so we could have dinner, and see a concert with some friends! We went to Mabel's, my favorite restaurant in downtown Cleveland.
Then we were off to the House of Blues to hear some metal! The headliner was Trivium, but to be honest I'm not a huge fan. I was there to see White Chapel! Phil Bosman is magnificent; his voice is just as unreal in person. My hubs snapped this picture, while I let some steam off somewhere to the right. Moms gotta mosh sometimes too, it was a total blast!
Today I took some time to reflect. I am grateful to be supported by a partner who is truly on my team, even if I didn't feel that way a few months ago. A lazy Sunday is yet another rare treat, wrapping up my weekend with a fabulous bang! When it comes to mental health, you just gotta keep stepping when you don't know what else to do. I've learned so much in the last weeks from that.
As my brain regulates its own chemicals back to default settings, I feel renewed in the changing of seasons. Winter is a gift, a time to rest and connect. As nature around me winds down, I sense my troubles do too. The cool breeze against my skin calls me back to myself.
My values are changing, including consideration for what my limits are. What is reasonable to expect, and what is a pitfall to disappointment. When anger clouds my judgement, I'm prepared to arm myself with the best weapon- love, and an unquenchable thirst for life!
Anxiety get HECKED
