A Short Story for The Ink Well Prompt #53

in #hive-1707983 years ago

Headlights on the Ceiling

house for inkwell story plus car9.png

"I love her, not you".

A door slam. Silence.

It had been a week since her father had shown up in the middle of the night. She was sleeping upstairs when he came, but the commotion below woke her, and so she woke her sisters.

They huddled together around a pipe that ran down into the parlor. They often used this pipe to play telephone. Someone would be upstairs, someone downstairs. Sounds traveled very well through that bit of metal. How could he know? Coming as he did, after the children were in bed, he probably thought, "No one will hear."

He hadn't come alone. A woman was with him. That woman. The children listened to every word.

He spoke, mostly. Not a surprise. He always spoke, always demanded attention, obedience.

“I want a divorce. I love her, not you”.

Those words returned over and over again to Felicia since that night.

What did her mother say? What could she say?

Felicia's father knew, everyone knew, except that woman, what the answer would be. No divorce because his wife's religion would not allow it. This was his safety net.

Had her mother tried to leave, he would have stopped her. More than once he'd warned, "If you try to go, I'll find you. I'll find anyone who helps you."

That night, as Felicia pressed her ear to the pipe, she knew, they all knew the scene was a ruse. It was a gambit designed to hold his mistress close. Why not? What did he have to lose? His wife wasn't going anywhere. His children weren't going anywhere.

“Will you give me a divorce?”

There it was. He was going to make her answer.

How many times had Felicia seen this humbling of her mother, in public and in private.

The answer was so quiet. It was as though her mother choked on the word, spoken there, in front of the mistress.

“No.”

The soft ”No” was a spur to action. Felicia sprang from her place by the pipe. Her sisters followed close behind, as though the act had been rehearsed. It hadn't been, but collective defense of their mother was automatic. They were always a united front against him.

The children rushed downstairs and through the open door to the three adults. Her father's face darkened.

The sisters ran to their mother and held onto her.

He clenched his fists. She recognized that furrowed forehead, those taut knuckles. Always these triggered fear. Not tonight. The children were following a most basic instinct. They were defending their mother, their home.

The mistress seemed to shrivel where she stood. Her face was crimson. She put out her hand and held onto their father's arm.

“Evan. Let's go.”

He hesitated.

“Now, Evan!”

He scowled as he walked away. And then he turned to his wife and children.

“This isn't over,” he promised, with a familiar menace.

He was right about that. The headlights of their car shone on the ceiling as they pulled out of the driveway.

Those headlights brought it all back. Every night, throughout the night, headlights would wake her and she would hear, again,

“I love her, not you.”



A Note From the Author

The prompt was irresistible and the challenge of coming up with a 'hook', an effective first line, was also intriguing. I hope I met that challenge. This was fun. I'm looking forward to reading other stories that respond to this challenge.

The image at the top of the page is an original drawing that could not have been completed without help from my colleagues in the LMAC community. Two items in that drawing were borrowed from #LIL, the LMAC Image Library. The moon I owe to @lingkar-photo and the cloudy overlay to @justclickindiva.

Inkwell logo.jpg
lmac graphic3.png
stemsocial logo.jpg

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In life... Choosing a life partner has to do with a lot of deep thinking because it's a decision taken only once in one's lifetime.

Thank you for your comment @coolo8. Yes, it takes deep thinking to pick a life partner. However, sometimes people change, people aren't what they seem. It happens often. We have to just hope that we pick wisely, and that we are lucky.

Have a great day, and keep writing :)

"I love you, not her. It didn't mean anything."

That's how it goes sometimes. Then the wife forgives, and it's all good. So your hook is great because of the heart wrenching way the story starts. No one likes to be told they're not loved, especially when it's the expense of another. Excellent story with superb writing.

What do you think of my hook:

"I love all three of you." 😉

Thank you my friend, @litguru. You are an astute reader and a skilled writer. Your positive estimation of my brief story really makes me feel good.

You are right. I turned the cliche around. That cliche drives me crazy :))

I believe in forgiveness, but, come on....

I do love your hook. Very clever.

Have a great one. Looking for a story from you :)

Yea, I think it's easy to fall into clichés. I do it all the time and feel bad afterwards, but sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. :)

Looking for a story from you :)

It's here somewhere, I just need to find it. ;)

😄

You see, these feelings seemed the same all the time. When she catches or eavesdrops and gets the conversation right, you may not have too many options convincing her.
I hear the readers hearts pumping in expectation of the life threatening response she will give.
It was a beautiful read if you asked me.

Hello @mrenglish,
Your stories are full of emotion and wisdom. They always speak to me. I'm glad this story affected you.
Once we hear something, something horrible, what do we do? There it is. Sometimes we have to respond.
The circumstance described in the story is common. Children are innocent bystanders to adult drama. What can they do? Often they save up all those powerful emotions until adulthood. There the memories and hurts can do much harm.
Thank you so much for reading. I do appreciate your feedback.

Thank you, @agmoore for always bringing on such great vibes in your story. They are quite a reflection of society.

🌼🌼

Wow, first of all, kudos for a powerful and very effective hook with so few words!

I really felt the tension and the exact feelings of the kids. Them defending their mother, their home. Indeed the kids can differentiate and their stance can be well understood.

The ending was also as powerful as the begining, other than your flawless use of the prompt, the words didn't lose any strength to them, on the contrary they became stronger!

Thank you for that delightful read @agmoore. Despite the sad situation that family is living and the story being touching, it was a quite enjoyable and well written story.

!LUV

Hello my colleague and friend, @yaziris. I'm glad you like the 'hook'. Some might find it a little lean, but that's how I write. Sometimes I joke that the perfect story, if I ever write it, will have one word.

I tried to create unity, like a circle, from beginning to end, to wrap it up. Something neat about that. It is a sad situation. No Norman Rockwell, soft tone here. This is a reality that many people live.

Thank so much for reading my story and for your positive feedback. I rarely write stories (for publication) because it feels risky. This time it was worth the risk.

Hope you are well, and peaceful right now.

Sometimes I joke that the perfect story, if I ever write it, will have one word.
Hahaha, thank you for planting this idea in my mind. Now I'm thinking of a way to do that.. But even "The End" are 2 words. 😅
This is a reality that many people live.
Sad but true, I'm sure many can relate to that story one way or another. Even utilizing the pipe the kids used to play with to eavesdrop was a small but great detail.
I rarely write stories (for publication) because it feels risky.
I totally hear you. I'd rather spend a week or more preparing and writing science article than writing a story.

😇

First of all I want to say thank you, for choosing the image that I have, and also this is a very dramatic triangular story.

We've all chosen things that sometimes make us a dilemma, and that's a phase of a journey that's in a momentary stalemate, and someday it will be resolved.

an assertiveness that you utter is very impressive. I like this feeling story. Sir @agmoore

Thank you for the moon. Doesn't it look great?

I do appreciate your coming by and reading my story. You are perceptive. There does seem to be a stalemate, but of course that will not remain so. It can't. You can feel the tension, you can see something must break. For one thing, children do not remain children forever. And, also, people who think they are in control often find out that is not true.

Thank you for your kind words. Hope you are working on your collage. I haven't checked on the entries yet today. I really like the template image. Country scenes make me happy.

Have a great, creative day!

thank you sir @agmoore, you are very kind, and allow me also to be able to write in your community. and I am very happy to be able to see so many new things in the community. #sumurtinta, is it a contest, if it is true I will follow you here please, your permission and I will add your name to every time I post my post there. and I've made a collage, looks like I'm still very far behind from the new users who are getting more active.... lol.

Hello @lingkar-photo. I don't know what sumutinta is. The Ink Well, the community in which this story appears, welcomes new writers. We have rules here. Every week we post a prompt and stories are written in response to that. You can read about this week's prompt here. One rule we have is that there be no graphic violence. There's a post about that also, here. If it sounds complicated, it's not. We love writers. We love to watch writers grow. As long as there is a sincere effort we appreciate everyone.

So please, read some other stories in the community and if you are tempted, join us.

Thank you so much for visiting my blog and commenting. I appreciate it.

Thank you sir @agmoore, I will see some other writers, and will read the rules there.🙏, and I like to write with my heart too with feeling for sure. Thank you for the response you shared with me. once again thank you very much for this additional information.

😇

Now, I feel like I wrote nothing at all. This is a beautiful way to "hook" your readers. To hook me!

Awaaaaaaaaaaah😭

I hope she finds the courage though. Bad man! Very bad! 😐

I am so sorry this response is coming late. Sometimes I get distracted by life and my responsibilities here and I lose track of things.

I love love your comment. The story is very simple. Very few descriptive phrases. It has a rather direct appeal and that reached you. This makes me happy. I agree, Bad man!

Thank you very much for reading and commenting. Have a great, creative week, @deraaa.

@silentbot star 3

Powerful story hook. Short, but powerful in character conflict. The story leaves its reflection on toxic relationships.

Thank you, @recardo993. You are great at creating suspenseful stories rich with conflict, so I love receiving this comment.

Yes, a toxic and all-too-common relationship, I'm sorry to say.

I very much appreciate that you read my story and took the time to comment. Have a great week!

Wow what a hook it gets stuck in your head as you read the story like it is the chorus to a song.

You are entitled to love your wife but no one else. Love can ever prevail at all times. So, the mistress is not the right one instead the wife.

You are so correct, @abigail. There is no room for a mistress. And when children are involved, all adults need to put aside their selfish concerns and think about the children.

I appreciate your visit and your meaningful feedback.

Have a great afternoon, and keep writing!

@agmoore That's amazing! The starting lines as you said is kind of an experience for me! I would love to give it a try and see how far I reach. Thank you for the new idea! I have a faint idea in my mind but it would be a little longer story. With your permission, please!

Hello @rayt2, I'm so glad you like my story. Starting lines are important. You're right they are an exercise. If anything I wrote here gives you and idea, use it. It would really make me happy to see the story lead to more stories, more ideas. This is one of the reasons I wrote. Some of our writers this week seemed to forget the target exercise, creating a hook. This story might be a reminder.

That first line really isn't smashing, but it serves.

Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I look forward to reading your story.

Peace, and health :)

I will complete that story see how I did with my starting line, thank you once again for bringing this important point to community members' attention.

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Thank you for your support, @ecency. It is very much appreciated.

Splendid @agmoore Simply splendid!

Just what an interesting, enlightening,and heartfelt story you have written. It was quite the delight my dear! It was certainly the wildest display of true troubled in paradise relationship I have come across in while...

Also, I must say, those first opening lines

I love her, not you.

We're pretty damn good hook as well! Well done!

You are very kind, @zeraton. I apologize for this late response. Every comment is important to me and I love your comment. You were affected by the story. What more can an author ask for? This has such simple structure. I'm glad you felt that simple though it is, the story has 'punch'.

That hook. I'm glad it worked. Might not be very sophisticated, but it is kind of a play on the cliche ("I love you not her").

I appreciate that you took the time to read my story and comment. Wishing for you a week that is creative and pleasant.

Nah... no need to apologize my dear.
And really, it was my pleasure to read your story.

I equally wish you the same week full of utmost creativity and pleasantry!

Hi @agmoore!
Great to see your story!
First I must say that I found the title very evocative; it makes the reader wonder How headlights on the roof? As with all good stories we don't leave without knowing the content of that title. So the (strange) title itself is a hook line that is reinforced by the first line of the text, so simple. We all have the feeling that others are more loved than oneself. That's the drama. Then the reader makes the sentence his own and can no longer let go of the reading. It tells a universal story.

The headlights of your car shone on the roof as you pulled out of the driveway.

The headlights become an image of abandonment and next to them the fateful words that mark Felicia's memory. A very complete story.

headlights become an image of abandonment

Yes, my dear colleague and friend. You are exactly right. They are an enduring symbol of abandonment.

I'm grateful you read the story and that it felt complete to you. It is very short. Usually I like less words, less adornment. I'm glad that worked for you.

What a sensitive, insightful reading you gave this. Thank you.

Well golly, that is an impactful story, @agmoore. Wonderful job with the hook, which begins with your title and is carried forward by your first line.

Writers throughout time have sought to capture the many facets and realities of childhood &mdash the dreamy times and wonder, as well as the traumas, the moments of heightened awareness and raw emotional pain. It is never easy to do. But you have done that with your story. We are right there with those kids, hearing those voices transmitted through the house via the pipe, wanting to run and protect their vulnerable mama. Well done, my friend!

Thank you @jayna, I tried to illustrate the importance of a strong beginning. We all know that first line can be really hard. This one came naturally (of course, it took some tweaking), but sometimes I write and it's not there. I have to hunt and hunt. I'm sure you do that too.

I appreciate your kind words. It is a very simple story, so it's even more gratifying that you think it meets the mark. Thanks so much.

Hello @agmoore. Wow, a powerful hook. Your reader instantly knows something unpleasant is about to happen or that the outcome of the relationship has changed. Your story is crisp and to the point so that I know all parties' stance on the family matter taking place.

Words are powerful than people realize. Once spoken, they can't be retracted:

They were always a united front against him.

Children hear when you don't think they do and form an opinion about each adult in their lives. Speak ill often enough, and you have a negative view in a child's mind whenever that child thinks of your words.

I like how your story begins and ends with those powerful words never forgotten. An excellent story with life lessons.

Finally, thanks so much for including one of my fractal images from the LMAC Image Library. It certain blends well with the sky portraying the denseness needed for the headlights to cast the shadow. I appreciate it and your support.

Take care.

Hello my friend @justclickindiva,

Thank you for the cloud. I knew you'd have something in the library I could use, something perfect. Your technique is amazing. I'd copy it if I could, but I don't think I can.

I appreciate your comment. I wrote a book once that almost had an exact quote:

Children hear when you don't think they do

My statement was, "Children are invisible witnesses". And they do remember, what they remember affects them profoundly.

I appreciate your feedback and your positive comment. Writing stories is fun, but tricky for me, because they are more personally revealing than essays, or even collages.

I hope you have a most creative week. Looking forward to sharing jury duty with you.

I forgot to thank you for your amazingly generous tip. Really, quite, quite generous.

@agmoore if I could vote 1000% I would. Not only are you an accomplished master of the pen, you know how to rip emotion to the hilt. I’m crying big fat tears and screaming “oh no, you bastard” and there’s no one to listen.

This level of engagement is incredibly hard to pull off and you do it with aplomb. I adore your attention to detail - the “telephone pipe” that echos the horror. OMG so well done here, so fabulously executed. I’m humbled by the power of your heart wrenching reality. ❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕🤗💕💕❤️❤️💕🤗🤗❤️❤️💕🤗🤗🤗
(I tried to switch the emojis off, but they just kept coming...)
😘😘😘😘😘
...and the hook, oh, well, you certainly hooked me. Kudos! Hugs and luvs.
...and PPS: I lived this reality and you tell it like it was!

I lived this reality and you tell it like it was!

I think we all write from life experience, even if it seems what we write is unrelated. Our experience always seeps into stories. That's one reason I don't write a lot. I find it intrusive. Every now and then, though, an idea comes to me that I think I can handle cleanly and objectively (though with an emotional impact, I hope).

Only then do I sit down and write.

Thanks for these words:

oh no, you bastard

That's the overt emotion I avoided in the story. You filled it in for me.

I appreciate your visit and your comment. I like your writing very much. Look forward to reading more from you.

An excellent hook, I'll say. I was captivated and interested in knowing who the husband loved more and the reaction that would follow. I commend the girls on taking a united stand. They are brave!

I enjoyed reading this story. Well done! 😊

Hello dear @kemmyb,
You are kind to read and comment. I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. I got distracted by other business and lost track of my replies on this story. I love replies. Reaching an audience is the only reason to write. A reply let's me know if I have reached that audience.

Your critique means a lot to me. You have a trained 'ear', so when you say it works I choose to believe you.

Thank you for visiting my blog. I wish for you a week (heck, why not a month?) that is both creative and productive.

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Thank you @hivebuzz. I love replies and I love to respond to them. That is really the essence of what we do here, isn't it?

You're welcome @agmoore, we're glad you enjoy it! 😊👍