The Vessel: The Inkwell Challenge #63

in #hive-1707983 years ago

vessel unsplash.png
Image credit: Diane Pichiottino on Unsplash.

He pulled his leg back and then released it against the side of the vessel. The wall moved but not enough to remove the pressure from his head. This was going to take more than one kick.

He concentrated, pulled back both legs and began to pummel. Ah, that’s better. The vessel rolled around so that not only did his head have more room, but his arms had greater freedom also.

The vessel used to be larger. He could shift his body then, even turn around. Lately he felt cramped all the time. Every day there was less room. Something had to give.

The first kick had been an accident. A random act. Until then he had been passive and had suffered the encroaching walls without resistance. But after the first kick he realized that if he increased the frequency and force of the kicks he could actually affect the position of the vessel.

The vessel emitted muffled sounds in response to the kicks. Beyond that there were no repercussions.

It never occurred to him to question why he had been imprisoned. This was the only life he knew. He could remember nothing before the vessel.

Recently something had changed. He had begun to feel different. The vessel was familiar. It was safe. He had never been hurt here. And yet, this wasn't enough. What was the new sensation?

Boredom! He was bored.

After that he began to pummel the sides of the vessel to entertain himself. He liked the fact that he could make the vessel move. Best of all, the sounds. They made him feel less bored.

Eventually he began to listen carefully for sounds outside the vessel even when he wasn’t kicking.

Yes, he heard them. Had they been there all the time and he never realized?

It was comforting to know there was something outside. Sometimes he yearned to hear the sounds. It saddened him when silence continued.

In those times of quiet the vessel started to become insufferable. It was too small. And he wanted to know more about the sounds. He wanted to hear more of them, all the time.

The truth could not be avoided anymore. It hit him with great ferocity.

Escape. He needed to escape.

How? He'd never seen an exit. No way out. But there had to be.

From that instant he plotted. He began to press against the vessel, push the sides with all his strength. Eventually he sensed a dramatic shift in the vessel's orientation.

Fear gripped him. What would he do if he actually got out? Would he be safe? What was out there, beyond the vessel?

At one point he noticed the vessel had turned. Its shape had changed. There was even less room. The sides started to oppress him.

No, he thought. I want to go back! But his pounding didn't affect the vessel. It barely moved no matter what he did. At the same time it grew smaller and smaller.

He had to get out. He pushed, shoved and struggled.

Suddenly, he was free.

Free??

What was this? The vessel was gone and he was being moved rudely through space. So much space.

Then he felt it. A sharp pain where his legs met his trunk.

I changed my mind! He started to scream. Yes he could scream. Where was his vessel?

Is this what he had struggled for?

Noise. Cold. Pain. How could he have known?

He was exhausted. The journey out of the vessel had taxed him. All around there was activity. He was covered now in a soft material. He closed his eyes tightly against the new thing, light.

With the same will that had prompted him to kick the vessel and plot for his escape he contemplated his situation.

No going back. Not anymore. This was his choice. He would deal with it, wherever it took him.

Freedom.



This story was written as an exercise, in response to the Inkwell challenge to avoid author intrusion. I tried to make the situation one in which it would be difficult to remain in character, to keep my voice out of the story. Not sure how successful I was, but trying this perspective was interesting.

I'm hoping to read some stories that handle the challenge differently this week.

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Its really impressive one, i like this writing of yours, thank you for sharing this with us. Good day.

Thank you for reading my story. I appreciate your kind appraisal.
Have a great day.

I appreciate that very much! Good day to you also. Thank you for visiting.

@agmoore Going beyond the imaginations of mysticism, you gave him freedom. In fact, you can make such a composition, perhaps you have shown things symbolically. I am very impressed by your writing, it will guide me in future.

Thank you @fantom22. I love that comment. You picked up on my allusions to will and freedom. Yes, it is more (I tried!) than the physical birth. It is a choice. Determination. Responsibility. And it does have symbolic value.

I'm really glad you saw that. Thanks for reading and commenting.

@agmoore thank you very much, mam. I am honoured.

Stifled, without understanding the predicament; wow! We’ve all been there, I think that the suppressed memory instantly allows us to understand the context. Beautiful writing, there’s a sense of desperation in every word. Loved it 😍

Thank you very much. I really appreciate that evaluation. The piece is simple, drafted in a dark room when I was half asleep. I think that helped me to feel the atmosphere.

I think that the suppressed memory instantly allows us to understand the context.

I believe that about so much of our very early experiences. We cannot access them consciously, but the memories are there and they influence us.

New prompt! I look forward to reading your story.

Agreed ❤️💕🤗

I really like the deep symbolism this short story has. How do you pack so much in so little without it feeling heavy?

Hello @diebitch,

You are such a good writer, sensitive and insightful. It really pleases me that you like the piece.

Simple style...some might say too lean. I do appreciate economy. But I also believe the language in this piece could have been more effective. Not more language, just better choice of words. However, I had to get it out so...:)

Thank you very much for that kind assessment, and congratulations on a well-deserved win this week.

Thanks Agmoore, when someone mentioned engaging with you I went in search of your post because I make it a point to engage with someone experienced from the community and someone new. It helps me learn and grow.

I'm not claustrophobic but just imagining the character's confined situation suffocated me as if I was the one inside the vessel.

Wish I could write as wonderful as this admin @agmoore.

You are too kind, @idlemind. You can write like this, and better. There are many places in this story where more powerful words could have been used. I wanted to get this out for the prompt so I let it go.

I'm looking forward to reading your story. Thank you for reading mine and for commenting so generously on it.

Have a great, productive day!

@agmoore thank you for the encouragement admin. I'll try to write for this prompt, "frequency," I just hope my mind goes with it.

Ooh, this awareness tale of yours made me feel distinct feels of claustrophobic existential consciousness angst! I loved it! Such a clever take on the vessel prompt, and talk about giving one rib-kicking concerto flash backs lol!

Lovely story my friend☺️

Thank you! Mothers picked up on this faster than other readers. Nothing is quite like those precious kicks. I'm sure we all wondered the same thing,What is going on in there and what is that little creature thinking?

Thanks for reading and appreciating.

Take care my friend.

Oh yes, as soon as I started reading you masterfully crafted tale, my right rib cage gave a an involuntary twitch lol!

Hope all is wonderful and well in your realm today my friend!

Well done, @agmoore. You stayed perfectly within the mind and thoughts of the character. I kept thinking: Chicken or human? Hatching or birthing? Tell me! I must know!

Beautifully done. It's so easy for the author to step in, but like an excellent actor who not only prepares for his character but becomes him, you did not step out of your character's point of view for a second!

Hi @jayna,

Thanks for reading and commenting. The writers have a different kind of challenge this week. I thought it only fair that I subject myself to the same test.

I'm glad it was interesting for you to read. Was fun for me to get out of a comfortable space.

In my office they call it “eating your own dog food.” 😁

😅😅

Wow, a very interesting story. I recall growing up I always yearned for freedom, to be outside and would throw tantrums when denied an opportunity but these days I want to stay indoor all day which is actually not possible.

I too value my freedom very highly. This desire for freedom can lead to difficulties, especially in school and on a job. But, somehow we learn to accommodate our environments, don't we? It's all about surviving.

Thank you for visiting and for your kind comment. Have a great day.

Wow this is a masterfully written story. It feels so claustrophobic that you feel trapped along with the protagonist in the vessel, yearning for release but wary of the unknown. As I read, I tried to find author intrusions, but I only spotted one.

Free??

The second question mark works well in written text to express extreme puzzlement but doesn't have an equivalent spoken aloud.

You're a master of the craft!

You are right. Second question mark is out of place.

I think you are too kind to me. I did have fun with this, but if I had spent more time I would have edited it to be 'cleaner'. I like stuff really, really lean :))

Thanks for your comment so much. This was done for fun and in community spirit. I think the concept of 'avoiding author intrusion' might sound a little obscure to some people. So I jumped in as an example.

Where is your story ????? (three question marks😄)

I like stuff really, really lean :))

I see from your story just how careful and thoughtful you are with sentences. This is another skill that is hard to master because we have such difficulties trimming stuff down.

I think the concept of 'avoiding author intrusion' might sound a little obscure to some people.

Author intrusion is really difficult to avoid because sometimes it's not so obvious.

Where is your story ?????

Still catching some zzzzz 😄

Hey Agmoore;
I was reading this thinking birth; was glad to have it confirmed in the comments, was re-reading it thinking there must be something concrete in there to say it - but I'm glad there wasn't and for us all to think it, shows that the piece met it's intent.

The short sentences mirroring the boxing in of the character at the opening helped paint the voice's character and mirrored the intensity of his need to get out!

Glad to read your work, Tim.

Hello @lordtimoty,

Thank you for reading and commenting. The story is almost skeletal in its brevity. That's OK. It serves the purpose.

As I was going to sleep the night before I thought I needed to produce something that demonstrated the skill challenge for the community. In the dark, half asleep, I sketched the outline of the piece on my iPad. The final form is not very different from the original, although obviously I did edit.

I'm glad you think the story worked on some level.

Peace, and health.
AG

I have to admit that I cheated! I knew it was symbolic for a crossing, an event in life, but thought it was more of a conscious maturity situation.
Then I got confused a little with the "physical" encounters, and finally got my Ahha! moment when I read graciela's comment. 😅

I think I do get the full scope of "no author intrusion" now. I didn't realise it can actually be a complete art in itself!

@gracielaacevedo and I have an advantage. We are both mothers :))

I deliberately chose something in which it was almost impossible, (though not impossible, with enough effort and skill) in order to remove the author completely. It was a fun exercise and I do recommend it to everyone.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

Hi, @agmoore. You made me feel in absolute ignorance in that vessel that is the whole in the experience of an unborn baby from the moment it becomes aware of its own existence and of a something other than its own body. It is a very evocative description that succeeds in sending the message you have set out to send. Only a few words boat, **cold, freedom... give away the naughty writer who plays the beautiful game of describing without mentioning. Beautiful exercise! Thank you!!!

I knew you'd get it! But was worried you wouldn't:) I'm so glad. Thank you. It was audacious to attempt. I will have to go back and find my 'flaw'. A challenging exercise, bravely attempted for this prompt.

Thank you @gracielaacevedo! The story is more an exercise than art, but still worth the effort. And, fun.

You have really been very brave. Fortunately you made use of an external narrator... If I thought of writing something similar in first person it would be a very difficult exercise. Don't you think?

I think your readers see the issue of the author's intrusion in the face of such a brave piece of writing.

An interesting scene with attractive events inside ship, I think they are in danger of drowning, yes?

It could be. Could be symbolic, anyone trying to escape, find freedom. It actually is meant to represent the experience of a child about to be born. I was having a little fun trying out different perspectives. Sometimes it's good for writers to do that.

A very challenging exercise indeed, well done ♥️ We all must leave the vessel eventually - whether by choice or otherwise. We certainly can't continue to grow in such a confined space!

Hello @wrestlingdesires. Thank you for reading and commenting. I don't write stories often anymore, but this week I felt the readers were thrown a particularly challenging prompt/target skill. So, it was only fair that I jump in and accept the challenge.

Thanks again for reading. This was fun.

I love your analogy and use of imagery? I'm not sure what the name of the figure of speech is but it's there as the vessel represents a mental cage or even a physical cage or even a womb before a child is born.

Now that I think about it, this might even be the birth of a child. Am I right?

I love the story and it just gave me ideas. Thank youuuu

Thank you, @young-boss-karin. You are a talented writer. I'm certain you can achieve anything you want (on paper, anyway😄).

You are on target in sensing my intention here. The vessel is a womb and the character is an infant about to be born. But the journey traveled is highly symbolic, as birth is always. There are issues of freedom and choice, of seeking freedom, and costs entailed. Such a simple story and you saw it!

Your response and your insight are much appreciated. Isn't writing fun? What better way to communicate with a wide audience?

Writing is an incredible means of communication. I've never been able to properly utilise this use of an abstract entity for an entire story. I feel it is risky and I may not have the proper talent to take my reader on the right path from beginning to end and you did it excellently in such a short piece.

I hope I'll be able to create a piece as beautiful as this soon. But until then, I'll keep learning and writing.

I feel it is risky

It is risky. When we write fiction we always put ourselves out on a limb. But, isn't it exhilarating? You have a very fluent, readable style. That's a gift. One thing I learned to do by participating in writing groups is to analyze my pieces. I ask myself few questions about a piece:
Is it logical?
Have I made myself clear (or do I expect the reader to fill in the spaces)?
Do I really need all those words, or can I cut some out and still tell the story?

I'm sharing this with you because you are a good writer and I'm speaking writer to writer :))

Keep writing. You have a flare for it.

Thanks for the encouragement and tips. I appreciate the help. I'll keep improving.