Here at the pinnacle of my failure, I sit and ponder how it all went wrong, nothing but echoes fill my ear, reminding me of all I lost. I dive into a liquor bottle and zigzag my way home.
I am intoxicated and drunk off my ass by the time I reach home, I feel dizzy and tired as I crawl up the stairs toward my apartment, not sure how I got there in the first place.
“Hello? Anybody home?” I call out softly while I unlock the door, hoping somebody was there to welcome me. I stepped inside slowly, the lights flickered on as I kick off my shoes, and turned to take notice of my surroundings.
My eyes immediately fell upon the large glass ashtray, with some cigarettes stuck inside its content. I drop my bag on the floor and sat on the couch.
With shaking hands and a heavy heart, I reach for one, light it, inhale it, and finally let loose.
“Why do you have to ruin everything for me? It's all your fault! You know that? I'm just trying to protect people from you...but noooo. You can't stop drinking. Can you ever give a damn?!"
I continue this little rant until I finished my smoke and the bottle of whiskey, then a sigh leaves my mouth, I stand up from the couch, walk across the room to the bathroom sink, and splash some water onto my face. As if on cue, an incoming headache washes over me, along with nausea. I stumble to bed, where I lie awake thinking about what had transpired in the past month or so.
I wonder why I didn't get help after my father passed away and why I started becoming this person.
Maybe...maybe it was because deep down, I knew I would never change even if it took a thousand lifetimes to achieve painlessness.
But who am I kidding?
The more I think about it, the angrier I become. And the longer it takes me to realize I've already screwed up, and I don't want to keep repeating this mistake.
"Shit!" I yelled in frustration as the realization hits me like a tonne of bricks, sending my body flying deep into sleep.
When I wake up, I see my wife, Mary, sitting beside me, she's wearing a face of disapproval and disappointment.
I can tell she's still upset with me, and her face doesn't change as she speaks,
" I came to drop off the children, it's your turn to babysit", she said looking at me in disgust.
" Mary, I know you're disappointed but it's not what you think...it was just one bottle, I drank just one bottle and that was it."
"Yh, you drank just one bottle, and your entire apartment stinks of the whole crate...you know what? that's not the point. The point is that you can't just go and drink yourself into oblivion like that anymore, you are a father and you have responsibilities..". she snapped back.
"Mary I'm sorry...please forgive me...it won't happen again" I pleaded.
"I hope to god that you are truly sorry... because, this is your last chance to fix yourself and earn the trust of your children...and if you fail... so help me God, it will be your last" With those words, she left without a second glance towards me, leaving me alone.
I was defeated in every way. But she was right, I wasn't ready to be a father. But still, I wanted to make this right, but how?
The kids arrived home late in the afternoon and were very excited about seeing their dad. The first thing they did was show me their art project.
"Hey, guys..this..this is amazing!!" I laughed out loud. They all looked up at me, smiles plastered on their faces. They're adorable.
"Daddy I missed you" whispered Aiden while squeezing my shirt tightly.
"Me too baby...I missed you too" I replied while kissing his forehead.
"Can we watch a movie daddy?" asked Ethan.
"Sure, what kind of movie do you wanna watch?" I asked.
"Anything daddy, anything!" He exclaimed.
"Okay, let's go and pick something out," I said while picking him up and walking to the living room.
After watching the movie we had dinner, then the kids ran upstairs to their room to play video games while I took a quick shower and made myself a cup of coffee.
I returned to the kid's room to prepare them for bed. "So far so good", I said to myself, " it's all going well".
I turned off the light and closed the door behind me.
For the rest of the week, everything was okay, I was sober and drug-free, It felt like my life was in check until I got a message from my best friend Dennis, who was celebrating his birthday the same Friday night Mary was supposed to come and pick up the kids. And I couldn't miss it because I didn't want to, Dennis has been my friend since childhood and he has supported me through my tough times. The best I could do as a friend was to be there for him on his special occasion.
So I made a fireproof plan, one guaranteed to get me to the party and back before Mary comes to fetch the kids.
By 7:30 pm I started preparing the kids for bed, putting out snacks, and setting up their rooms in case anyone decides to come looking for them.
Apart from Ethan and Aiden, I’ve only ever been responsible for zero other children my whole life so it took a while to figure out the basics but when I did everything was ready. They were tucked into their beds with snacks and water and lights off.
I checked on each child one more time, making sure they were asleep before leaving.
Dennis's party was lit, there was music playing through speakers in every room, some people dancing around while others were watching tv on the couches, and drinks were being passed along from hand to hand. It was perfect for any party thrown by anyone in the hood. I had so much fun I forgot about my plan. I was so involved in dancing, eating, drinking, and smoking.
I had one bottle of stout, then another and another, until I felt the effects already beginning to hit. All I could think about was taking that one little sip and just drowning myself in alcohol. Maybe it would kill me faster than the cigarettes I smoke. The next morning I woke up to find myself still in Dennis's house. I quickly got up from the floor I laid which had litters of red plastic cups and candy wrappers on it. I skipped over the heavily sleeping bodies that also lay on the littered floor and made my way out of the house and back home.
Once I reached home, I saw an angry Mary with the kid's suitcase in her hand, the veins in her head were visible from where I stood. It was a sight that would have been funny if not for the situation I found myself in. She stormed up to me, hands on her hips, glaring at me."Where have you been?".she yelled.
I began explaining myself, "Look, Mary I..."
"Save it!! I don't wanna hear a word from you!! Just stay away from these kids!!!" She shrieked as she walked away from the door.
What?! Does she think I'm neglecting them?! I questioned myself. I didn't know what happened until a neighbor came and told me that there was a fire incident at my house. Turns out Ethan and Aiden thought It would be wise to watch a movie while I was away, so they tried making some popcorn using the microwave but they were only seven and have never prepared anything before. The fire alarm went off as did the sprinklers, they tried calling me severally but I was too deep in my bottle of liquor I didn't hear my phone ring.
I took out my phone from my pocket, I swiped the screen open to see thirty missed calls. I fell to my knees and began to shed tears after realizing how I messed up everything again. This time I had lost everything, my wife, my kids, and my dignity, all because of a bottle of liquor.
Ever since then, I remained sober, even though Mary filed a restraining other to keep me away from my kids.