Guilt
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I don't think there is a single person in the world that can tell me that they are not accustomed to this feeling.
I don't think I'm old enough to say in my time but in my years of existence, I have experienced this feeling a number of times, maybe a little more than I should.
Another thing most of us are accustomed to is the cycle of life. The one where people come and they also go. It's funny how you could be best friends with someone one minute and in the next, you are complete strangers.
The worst part is that no matter how much we try, no matter how strongly we want to hold on, the cycle hits and we have to let go.
Letting go has always been an issue for me.
Why do I have to say goodbye to the people I love? Why do relationships have to end?
I'm blaming life because it's so much easier to blame everyone else but yourself.
Just like most cliche stories, I met a boy but our story wasn't one where they fell hopelessly in love even though I did love him.
I remember the first time I saw him. I had just started a new secondary school, he had been in that school for the longest time so he was well known.
I don't quite recall the moment we started talking but I think it was a moment after I showed just how smart I was. He was one of the smartest boys in class, so it became a competition.
A competition that I'm finally mature enough to admit that he won.
The tag on his Ipad that said "Best Student of the year" should have been enough". I, on the other hand, was given a gas cylinder for being the best in Maths. I was so upset
The immature part is speaking and it's saying he only won it because he was more outspoken than me, book wise I was still the best.
A year later, we found ourselves in the same University, different faculties but we still talked.
I have major trust issues. If you are a Nigerian reading this you would understand this better.
My trust issues came from all the shege guys showed me.
Jahakeme was the only boy I trusted. I have said it a lot of times that his house is the only house of the opposite sex that I could go and feel hundred percent comfortable because he was a good person.
He said we were not friends, that he had buddies and I was one of the closest.How much I miss the tag.
You don't find that many people that are good for you, but Jahakeme was exactly that.
He brought the energy from secondary
school and convinced me to study because I was so eager to spread my wings with the new found freedom.
Unfortunately, with the years that passed, the time brought a strain in the relationship.
Why? Because I was growing and didn't have time for the old friends anymore.
A friend in particular that had been there from day one. Someone that had stayed up all night listening to me rant about just how much dumb I was, about how hard it was transitioning from secondary school to the University.
Eventually I stopped talking to him. My parents would ask about him and the guilt would seep in.
He would text and I wouldn't even make the effort to talk to him.
On the eighth of December last year, when the unfortunate incident happened and my brother had to fight for his life, he still reached out, listened to me while I cried.
The funniest part was that all those new friends I was busy chasing and disregarded the old ones, the important ones, didn't even send a text as brief as "How is your brother doing?"
Have you ever been in a situation where you left a message without a reply and that message has been there so long. You know you want to reply but then it just seemed so late to do so?
That was exactly how I felt with Jahakeme.
I knew I wanted to fix it but I just didn't know how.
A few months back, I had to travel back to my parent's house from school, he came to the exact spot.
I felt so guilty. I tried to smile and act like everything was okay but I know it wasn't.
We sat in the bus next to each other not saying a single word.
I had so much to say, starting with I was sorry but it felt too late.
But the universe had given me something. I could text and ask if he got home safely but still I did nothing. A few days later, he reached out.
I tried to say all the apologies that needed to be said but I knew they wouldn't be enough.
Another funny fact, those new friends? I don't talk to them anymore.
My parents still ask about him. There was so much excitement in my mum's voice when I told her I ran into him. She was like, "You don't talk about him anymore. Is that Ipad he won still working? because our gas is still working."
My mother is a real case but I love her anyway.
Source
I miss him. A whole lot. I don't play chess anymore because it reminds me so much of him.
I don't know how to take it all back because in the end I asked myself, what was it all for? I couldn't come up with a valid reason.
This guilt I feel, I hope it will go away one day or I find a way to fix it.
The thing I feel most guilty about is the fact that no matter how much I pushed him away, he always came back and he was always there for me.
I guess there is only so much someone can take.
Maybe there is a chance in the future or maybe not but I learnt my lesson.
Those people that have been there with you from day one, no matter how hard it is, don't let go of the relationship over the dumbest things in life which is why @vivaebony, you and I are for life.
