My friends would always complain and say,
"Jane, you're doing too much. This person might've forgotten that you even exist."
Well, they were not totally wrong, because it is possible that I could be holding on to something that wasn't worth it. For example, I could be holding on to the memories of someone who had already let mine go, and sometimes it hurts like hell.
Last Christmas, my phone had an issue, and in the process of getting it fixed, I lost some of my files that were in it. Those files included some pictures of myself, my family, my friends, some acquaintances that I probably don't run into anymore, and, more especially, the memories of my past relationship.
I was so mad when it happened, and I was hellbent on getting those photos back. My friends disagreed with me, and they accused me of being obsessed with my past.
"You think I'm obsessed with my past because I want to retrieve those pictures? Your pictures are in it too. You know that, right?" I was so annoyed by their accusation, and I was ready to take my frustrations out on them.
"Sorry if that came out wrong, but we're still here. We can always take new photos, and I still have some old ones too. I can send them to you if that's the case. You're making a big deal out of this." Joyce said to me.
"Jane, I need you to come clean with us. Are you really mad that you lost our pictures too and that of your family, or are you mad that his pictures are gone too?" Lilian asked me, and that sort of threw me off balance.
Up until then, I couldn't place my hand on the real source of my anger. One part of my brain agreed with her theory, but I wasn't going to agree that my anger was because I lost the pictures of my ex, who had gone off a long time ago with someone else.
"Is that how low you think of me? You think I'll be mad because I lost his photos. What do they even mean to me?" I yelled at her.
"I should be asking you that. We still have our old photos with us, and we can always take new ones. You have your family with you, and you can take photos with them too. You can't be mad that you lost pictures of people that you met just once, people that might've forgotten about you. So, I think it's right to assume that you still haven't let go of him." Lilian said again, and a wave of anger hit me.
To stop myself from saying things that could ruin my friendship with them, I asked them to leave my apartment. They were literally shocked to see me hold the door open for them to leave.
"Jane, you're angry, and I think you should calm down." Joyce said to me. I didn't even look at her or blink my eyes. I just wanted them to leave.
"To be sincere, I don't feel sorry that you lost those photos. At least you can finally move on and give yourself a little happiness. You claim you're over him, but you still have his things in your apartment. I'd advise that you use this opportunity to make a clean sweep of his presence and move on." Lilian said to me and walked out.
Immediately they left, I shut the door with a loud bang and broke down in tears. I cried out my heart that night, alone in my room. It dawned on me that Lilian was right. I never really moved on from him, and I was really upset because I had lost our photos too.
This realization made me angry at myself, and I felt ashamed that my friends could see right through me all this time while I lied to myself every day that I was good and done with the past.
On New Year's Eve, I called my friends and apologized for my outburst, and they said we were cool. Lilian also apologized for shoving the reality in my face, but she wasn't in regret, because according to her, she needed me to find myself.
They came over to my place, and I shared a thought with them.
"So if you call him, what would you say?" Lilian asked me.
"I don't know. I'll probably ask how he's doing and wish him a happy new year in advance. I just need closure." I replied.
"I don't like this idea, but if that's what will help you move on, then go ahead and do you." Lilian said. I turned to Joyce to hear her suggestions, but she only sighed and hugged me.
"Call him, and make sure that this time, you're done for good. And do not cry when you speak with him. That would be so embarrassing for us." Lilian said again.
I picked up my phone and dialed his line, and surprisingly, he still had my number. I knew that because he called out my name before I could even speak, and in that moment, time stood still.
"Jenny, are you alright?" He asked me. I couldn't answer him; I was trying hard to fight back the tears that were swelling in my eyes.
The firm grip of Lilian's hand on my shoulder brought me back in time to hear him saying he could come and see me if I wasn't feeling alright. Well, I was glad that my dearest friend brought me back to the present, and I declined his offer. It felt good to say no to him.
"I'm sorry that I got caught up for a moment. Hope you're good?" I asked him.
"Yes, I am. How about you? You don't sound too good." He said. There was something in his voice that I couldn't place my hand on. It seemed like pity, and I hated it.
"Since when do you know when a person sounds good?" I retorted, and I heard him sigh. He always did that when he was on the verge of frustration, and I was excited to be the reason for that feeling.
"Jane, you know that I loved you, right?" He asked me. I knew he was trying to blackmail me, but then, he chose the worst choice of words to apply that, so I wasn't going to fall for it.
"Of course, you loved me when you chose to be with another girl. Hope she's good, though?" I asked him.
"Jane, can we have dinner and talk things through?" He asked me.
"You have a lot of nerve to actually ask me that. But you know what? I'm done hurting for nothing. I called to say goodbye to you and to wish you a great deal of luck in whatever you choose to do next with your life. As for dinner, we're not having that, and this will be the last time you'll hear from me. Goodbye, Daniel." I said and ended the call.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, and I opened my eyes again to see my friends staring at me with a look of concern on their faces.
"Are you okay?" Joyce asked me.
"I feel a lot better now." I replied.
"Forgive me for asking this, but can we burn these memories now?" Lilian asked, and that made me laugh.
The three of us rummaged through my things and brought out everything that had him in it, and we took it outside and burnt them all.
"Good riddance to bad rubbish!!!" Lilian exclaimed, and we clinked our glasses and drank the sweet wine she had brought along with her.
After that night, I was a whole new person, and I began the new year with a clear head and a clean mind, having made a clean sweep of my miserable past.
Thanks for reading.
