“I should’ve stopped them,” he said quietly. “I should’ve gone after her.”
It all started like this……………….
Now, the photograph was looking kinda old and had some folded edges due to frequent handling. His thumb ran over the familiar faces, eyes, hair, and clothing of these people. It was the six of them
Samuel, Christiana, Kenny, Segun, Ivania, and Nancy enjoying themselves at Nancy’s house warming party laughter caught in a picture. In the old days, no one had reason to guess that life would be twisted in the horrifying way that it had been.
Samuel sat on the old couch of his apartment, the absence of noise overwhelming him. The laughter from that night was barely audible as what happened after it quieted it and buried it.
It was a pleasant atmosphere because Nancy had just gotten promoted, and everyone was in high spirits. Kenny brought some infamous cocktails, Ivania played DJ with her phone , and Segun, as always, was the loudest in the room.
Looking dull instead of being cheerful, Christiana had not spoken much that night. Samuel noticed it but he never made a question knowingly, he was too preoccupied with himself. They had a bad patch for several weeks.
“I want to leave soon,” she’d said softly as he poured himself another drink.
“Leave? Why?”
“I’m just tired, Samuel. “I don’t want to be here.”
“You seem to be so tired lately,” he said, much harsher than he wanted to.
Her face fell. “Fine. Forget it.” She said as She turned and walked away
Samuel looked at Ivania who was smiling at something, Segun just sighed. The party continued until night. Samuel did not even notice when Segun picked his car keys or when Christiana offered to go with him. He did not notice this until much later.
The knock came at 3:12 a.m. It wasn’t chaotic, but it was intense. Kenny was at the door, her face was pale and her hands were trembling.
“There has been an accident,” she said, and her voice was not audible because she was shaking
“What kind of accident?” Samuel said
“It’s Christiana and Segun… They didn’t make it.” Kenny said
The words that Kenny said after leaving Samuel’s house played in his head for weeks.
“They didn’t make it”
The funeral was suffocating. Even Christiana’s parents stopped staring directly at him. Her mother hugged a photo of her and quietly cried. Samuel could not go any closer and he stayed at the back of everybody. He didn’t deserve to be there either.
Back home, the guilt settled in like an unwelcome guest. He couldn’t sleep without replaying the night in his head remembering every details. He remembered Christiana’s face when he snapped at her, and the way Segun had treated Kenny when he tried to grab the keys from him.
Samuel withdrew himself from everyone. Kenny attempted to call, but Samuel just ghosted everyone. The longest any of them had been in contact with him was when Nancy once came by with food for him to eat, although he didn’t bother to open the door to her. He couldn’t face them. They were a symbol of all he has lost and all that failed to prevent from happening.
Months passed, Samuel started living in life like a shadow of himself. His friends moved on in their own ways, or at least pretended to. One day, out of nowhere, he got a call from Kenny.
“Meet me at the restaurant near to your house by 7 o’clock this evening.” Kenny said
Samuel paused for a second, but something in Kenny’s voice made him agree.
By the time he got there, Kenny was already there, sitting quietly, sipping on a drink.
“I’m glad you came,” Kenny said.
Samuel nodded but said nothing.
They simply sat there for some time without speaking. Finally, Samuel spoke.
“I should’ve stopped them,” he said quietly. “I should’ve gone after her.”
Kenny set down her cup. Do you really believe I do not tell myself the same thing? That I could have taken Segun’s keys? That I should have told Christiana to stay? She shook her head. “You’re not the only one carrying this, Sam. We all are.”
For a moment Samuel was taken aback and looked at her. Truth was he had not looked at it that way. Only he feels the guilt, in his mind he knows he did it alone.
“I just… ”Hmm, that’s possible,” said Samuel, ”I can’t get over it.”
“You’re not supposed to stop thinking about it,” Kenny said. However, you cannot afford to be driven to your grave by it as well. They wouldn’t want that.”
A week later Nancy hosted a dinner at her house. Samuel almost did not go, but an unknown force dragged him to it.
Ivania was already seated there when he got there hovering over a cup of tea like a statue. She gave him a small nod. Kenny was in the dining room with Nancy setting the table.
Thus, when they decided to grab a bite together the conversation seemed forced at first. Then Nancy broke the ice.
“Sometimes I can still hear her laugh,” Nancy said, her face filled with tears. “I thought it was weird at first, but now… I like it. It makes me feel like she’s still here.”
The room fell silent. Then Kenny said. “Segun would have loved this,” she said pointing at the food. “He always said Nancy cooking could cure all the illnesses.”
Gradually, they moved to telling jokes, some of the awkward ones, and the painful ones as well. It didn’t remove the pain completely but made it tolerable and that too for a few moments.
And as he walked home that night, Samuel felt a rather light feeling within him. The guilt had not faded, but now it was lighter and more manageable, something he could bear.
Image source
He looked up at the sky. The stars were dim but they did exist constant throughout the entire night. For the first time in a long time, he felt something like hope stirring inside.
And perhaps, perhaps, there was some chance, some way he could go on living
