Not too long ago, life was simple. Filled with answers. Under absolute control. There was no other way life could be, after all, when you cherish a belief in your heart and you embody it, you no longer just “know”. You receive a filter with which you perceive everything your senses collect.
That until it fails.
There are other options besides right and wrong. And other miracles, besides praying. But when you want to narrow your lenses to a single choice, you have this need to test it to its last consequences. There’s only one right choice, isn't there?
All my life I was told that if I followed certain rules, I would reach a plentiful existence. I would feel perpetual happiness, health, wealth, love. All I had to do was to be worthy.
“This happened because I sinned”
Simple as that.
“Something you did left place to the enemy to sabotage you”
So simple.
So I kept stumbling forward, reaching for purifying perfection each and every time to extreme levels. Inhuman levels. That level when you crush yourself with the wall of reality, just knowing you can break it, because someone else did, 2000 years ago. And so I kept repressing and repressing and repressing. That is until he came.
I pushed so hard that I created another being, a voice in my mind. His name was Anarcuras.
Anything I couldn’t allow in myself was of his concern.
“You are being too kind” He would whisper in my mind.
"You are letting them walk all over you!" He would insist.
Now I see he was the rebellion of my real nature. All my doubts, all my sins, compressed in his dark nature that I solemnly repressed too. Only I would deal with him, and each time I failed was for his fault.
I waited and prayed a long time, hoping to get rid of that curse. The needs, the thoughts. Craving for perfect purity, but to no avail.
Eventually, life wanted more from me. It demanded motivation for me. Passion. A long life of self-hate had destroyed all of that. Long years of relentless perfectionism, and self-criticism. In the eternal, internal battle with each feeling, each craving, and every single thought out of what was allowed in the boundaries of the sacred.
When depression and multiple anxieties started taking shelter in my beliefs to push me back to a place of dark safety, finally, I started listening to Anarcuras, because the promises were never delivered. I started devouring, video after video about self-development, self-love, and self-improvement. By practicing every single day, I knew I had been lost almost my entire life.
A whirlwind of hate engulfed me for a long time and this time there was no devil to blame. The blaming game is a long one. First, you blame your family. Then you blame religion. And then you blame yourself… until there’s no one to blame.
But, I still had many problems. If miracles won't come by themselves, then I had to do something about it myself. By researching, according to science, to be happy I have to cover a few points:
1.- Find friends, according to a Harvard study.
2.- Make exercise.
3.- Face anxieties.
And, to find friends I had to face anxieties. By then I didn’t know I had them. I believed these to be a sign of the holy spirit inside of me to step away from situations. It was the same with depression. I believed not having a single gram of energy or motivation was caused by God trying to protect me from something. God had mysterious ways, right?
Eventually, I embarked on a journey to start defeating every single fear I had, and man, Self-love was the hardest to get! I weighed 93 kilograms by the time and I decided to go into an intermittent fasting diet. What a ride! After a year of eating once a day, I was now weighing 65 kilograms. I felt so foolish for hating myself for being overweight. It is unreasonable to despise anyone for something changeable in a matter of days!
Encouraged by my victory over my weight, I placed my eyes on my “friends” list. I decided to listen to the advice I found on a YouTube talk:” Doing what you love you will find the people you love”. Of course, a deep introvert like me was not used to going into groups of people out of the blue. So I thought about my attraction to martial arts… I could find friends and do exercise at the same time! Two birds with one shot!
To my surprise, the exercise gave me the energy and motivation to face even more fears. Going to Kempo class two times a week was a huge service to me, and there I found a new best friend. A girl called Yen. Turns out we were both struggling with deep, troubling emotions, so we bonded together. After a while, she introduced me to another current dear friend called Katherine. And in time I found so many new people in my life, and a group to adventure my social anxiety in a Shopping Mall once a week.
Daunting task! I would go there for a few hours and feel the weight of anxiety gripping my heart, believing I was unworthy, ugly, or boring. No one ever said those things to me. I didn’t realize people weren’t used to my presence and such a relationship needed time.
In time, I could feel my mind opening. Did you know that, if you had anxieties, they literally block your mind to new possibilities? I didn’t! Fears make you believe these aren’t possible, or make you despise them so you avoid these really fast, not knowing how you are being controlled!
Having defeated my anxieties opened a new world for me. Motivation started flowing from below the heavy, murky rock of depression. I noticed it wasn’t belief that held me back, or perhaps not entirely. I have had ancient anxieties that used those beliefs to shelter me from perceived harm! I had built a solid shell around me but at the cost of not being capable of leaving on my own.
Today, I know nothing is impossible, as long as you manage to lead your body, mind, and heart towards a goal. I don’t have many friends, but I learned, that you don’t need quantity, but deep solid relationships. You could easily find a bunch of people to go to a party but, will they comprehend you when dark times lie over you? I don’t think so.
So that’s the story of how I lost my religion. Or rather, the fears behind it. And you might wonder, what happened to Anarcuras? Nothing! I just realized he was also me. All I had to do was simply to accept it.
Images from pixabay
