‘Have I ever felt peace? Would I ever experience true love and the commitment and safety that come along with it? All I have ever known is deceit and betrayal. Most times, I find myself ruining good relationships because of my lack of trust. I wrap myself in these shrouds over and over again until you can barely see me—only a small part of me. When will my dreams come true? I am tired of the disappointments. Would I die this way as well? I haven’t felt freedom and success. I don’t know what it even feels like’. These thoughts run through my mind unbridled, no matter how much I try to keep them at bay.
I looked around my small room lit by a lamp for the tenth time that night, and I felt a small pang of regret and loss course through me. I gasped for breath, trying to process my feelings with the aim of keeping them at bay, but it didn’t work. I dragged my unclad self from my bed and went to the wardrobe. ‘I need some wine’, I thought to myself as I brought out a bottle for Four Cousins and poured myself a glass. I really don’t mind my wine being warm; I just needed the buzz it gives.
'I am exhausted, and I am tired of calling my family or friends; they would be tired of me by now', I thought again, languishing in soliloquy.
My phone rang; it was T. I smiled, unsure if I should pick up or not, and ended up picking up anyway.
“Hey, Papi”, I said, trying to sound cheerful.
“Hey, mama. How are you?”, he asked.
“I am okay, T. What about you?”
“Well, good, good. It’s just work and boredom”, he said.
“Oh, sorry about that”, I replied absentmindedly.
“What’s up, baby girl?”, he asked again.
“Nothing”.
“You’re sure?”
I was quiet for a while, then I started to pour out my frustrations to him. “Why does it have to be so damn hard, T.? Life is too damn hard. Nothing goes as planned. I never got the things that I wanted, no matter how hard I tried, and I ended up settling for whatever I got. When would things start to work for me? When will I get that win that I have always needed?”.
“Is this loneliness talking?”, T. asked.
“It is a part of it, T.”
“You have got to take it easy, baby girl”.
“Until when, T.? I am exhausted. I have no peace of mind. There are no relationships to while away the time. Nothing! Nothing but work, work, and bills!”
Timi laughed. “Welcome to adulthood, mama. You need to take it one step at a time, one day at a time, just as it comes. Write a list of things that you want in a book, plan for them, pray about them, and see things fall into place. As for loneliness, you moved to a new place to try to find yourself, gain clarity within yourself, and figure out your next move. Have you done that yet?”
I kept quiet.
“Hmm?”, he prodded.
“No, I haven’t. Life just keeps happening. Some days it feels like my heart can no longer take the emotional, financial, and mental roller-coasters I go through each day”.
“When that happens, just breathe, baby girl. Remember to breathe. And also, try to find a way to channel your frustrations and relax. I remember that music had a way of settling you, but I know that that has changed since you left Ibadan for Offa. Alcohol, parties, church, anything that can help you get rid of the frustration. I am not so close to you anymore, and so I can’t come around as often as I can to check in on you”, T. told me.
I smiled. “Thank you, T.” I felt the burden lift from my shoulders, and the strings knotted in my heart loosened. T. always had that effect on me. “Thank you for checking on me and always being there for me”.
“You are welcome, baby girl”, he said, chuckling. We conversed a little while longer about other things and tried to keep each other in the loop about family, friends, and work.
It didn’t take long after dropping that call for sleep to take over. The wine I had drunk earlier was in full effect, and T. had helped me to free up my mind by talking to me.