“Sorry about that.” His husky voice came through the speakers and Eva found her heart beating fast all of a sudden. She couldn't take her eyes off him. She watched as he slung his guitar to his front and played an uncertain tune, before clearing his throat and playing out the starting tune of There's A Place by Roos Pane. Then, he started singing and Eva felt herself transported to a place of peace where flowers bloomed and butterflies flew, where the world was full of love and positivity. That was what Josh’s voice did. It carried you softly and gently in it's arms and it comforted you. When he was done singing, everyone stood up in a great applause except Eva. She was wiping tears away from her eyes. Just then, she knew he was the one she wanted to be in love with. Josh got second place in the show. Eva thought he deserved first.
After the talent hunt, she tried to look for him but it seemed he had just appeared and disappeared out of thin air. And in a university as big as hers, it was very probable that she might not get to see him again. Then, on a fortunate day, she sat beside him on the public transit. He had headphones on and it was blasting a rock song loudly. She didn't know how she was going to get his attention and she knew it would be rude to try to talk to him while his headphones was on. So, she took out her notepad and pen and scribbled, “Hi, I'm Eva.” Then placed it in front of him. He looked at the note and then looked at her with his steely gray eyes. Those eyes pinned her to her seat and left her a little breathless. Then she nodded to the pad and pen in her hands. He picked up the pen and wrote. “Hey, Josh here.” Then he removed his headphones and said, “You could have just tapped me.”
“It would be rude.” She replied. He smiled at that. She fiddled with the pen in her hands. “I have been looking for you.” Her voice was low and she averted her gaze.
“Why? Have we met before?” He asked.
“Not personally. I attended the school’s talent hunt. You sang there. It was…I don't know. It was just like soul transporting or something.”
He chuckled. “And so, you started looking for me.” There was a pause. “Well, I am here now.”
“Yes, you are. I'm glad. So.. I was looking for you because… I’m not usually this bold, but I felt something that night you sang. And I felt like, if I didn't meet you, I would be missing something important, something significant. I wanted to get the chance to speak to you, to know you.” She blurted out in a rush. There was a long silence. She hadn't been looking at him when she said it. Due to the silence, she started wondering if had heard her at all. When she looked at him, she saw that he had been staring at her. His gray eyes were twinkling and they looked stormy.
“Can you say something, please?” She pleaded.
“Yes, ummm, sorry.. I was just lost for words. I didn't know what to say. It's just new. Like, a stranger just confessing stuff. Okay, how about we get to know each other first? We could exchange contacts. Get to be friends.” He said.
“Yeah, it works for me.” They exchanged contacts and Eva thought that was the beginning of something beautiful. After that day, they met outside school sometimes and they got to talking. They learnt a lot about each other, like his passion for singing and her passion for painting. She learnt that he had gotten his first guitar as a hand-me-down from his grandfather. He learnt that her first painting came from an accidental swipe while painting her dad's barn. She learnt that he hated drinking coffee but just drank it for the aesthetic anyway. He learnt that she never finished the dregs of any liquid she was drinking. She learnt that he wasn't keen or open to ever entering a relationship or being in love. He learnt that she was an addict of love and relationships. Eva thought she could change his perspective. She thought she could get him to see that love, relationships wasn't all bad or toxic. So, when things got deeper between them, she allowed it. She didn't pester him to ask her out or to make them official.
Source
But one day, after they had a soul-stirring kiss under the stars, she told him she loved him. It had come out in the heat of the moment, when she was feeling so heady and full of love. But he didn't say it back.
“Why wouldn't you say it back?” She had asked.
“Eva, please. Let's not talk about this.”
“Why? I just want to know why you wouldn't say it back. If you don't love me, you can just let me know. It would not spoil anything.”
“Eva, I just can't. I can't say it back. It…It.” He stuttered.
“It's alright, Josh. I totally understand. Umm, we should head back." He saw her her face and knew she was sad. She wasn't okay with what they had. She wanted it to be something more. But he didn't have it in him to be in a relationship. He didn't even want to be in love but gradually, Eva had brought him into feeling something similar to that and before it could blossom, he needed to nip it in the bud.
“I'm sorry, Eva. I'm sorry. But I can't do this anymore.” He said.
“Do what?” Eva asked.
“Do THIS!!! Keep hurting your feelings and pretend like everything's going to work out.”
“But you’re not hurting my feelings.” She wrapped her hands around herself, like she was trying to keep herself warm.
“You know I am. It's what I have been doing this past few months. I know you have always wanted a relationship but you settled into being in a situationship with me.”
“But I am not complaining, am I?”
“That's my point right there. You can't even complain. I couldn't even tell you I loved you back. I know I am hurting your feelings and you're not okay.” He came closer to her and tried to hold her shoulders but she turned away quickly before the tears in her eyes could drop.
“Okay, Josh. Fine. Tell me. Why are you so averse to love, to relationships? Why wouldn't you even give it a chance?” She turned back to face him.
“Eva, you need to understand that i'm not ready to commit to anyone. I want to love. I…I want to feel this deep conmection with you. But I just can't do it now.” He pushed his hands through his hair, then continued. “If I got serious with you at this point in my life, I would end up hurting you. I'm still trying to find myself, fix myself. I don't want anyone cutting their hands on my broken pieces. I want to love somebody wholly. But, it's not now, Eva. It's not now. I can't put your heart at risk. I’m sorry.”
“No, it's alright, Josh. It's okay. It's my fault. I was stupid to think I could make you ready for what you were not willing to do. It was stupid for me to fall in love with you when I knew you couldn't catch me. I was the one who ended up with scraped knees because I fell in love with you when you weren't even ready. So, don't apologize.” She sniffled and rubbed the tears from her face with her sleeves. She patted her face, then said, “We should head back.”
“Eva, please. Can you wait till I get myself together?” He covered the distance between them and held her face gently in his palms. “Can you hold on for me?”
“Well, I have been waiting all these months, right?? So, what's a little more?” She smiled sadly at him. “Take your time, Josh. Just don't take too long, hmm?” She hugged him tightly, them pulled back. She smiled at him, then started the long trudge back home, while he stood there and wondered if he had done the right thing.
