I can't breathe!
I wanted to text her this message. But I prevented me from doing so. Who am I to her? Furthermore, who am I in this Universe? What is the purpose of my existence? Am I not just wasting the precious oxygen of this world?
The head becomes cloudy with thoughts beyond comprehension. I needed to talk with someone, who would understand my voice. But I know very well, that in this era of competition, Darwin's theorem of Survival of the fittest reigns. I am most probably the most unfit being there ever existed! Everyone is going through their process to survive in this cruel world, where I do not find any will to wake up from sleep, I wish I could have a sleep from where I would not have to wake up.
Why the restless state? Why I was acting like a fish out of water? Because I am! As time passes, it seems, all things are getting out of my hand, there is not even a single staw that I can catch to hold onto! Time is running at its own pace, but, I am just stuck in a loophole of darkness! Think about getting out of the immense gravitational pull of the black hole only to be sucked again into that absolute darkness.
I can't breathe dude!
'Literally or figuratively?' he replied.
I did not expect to get a quick response, as life likes to play games with the heart and mind.
'The later one,' was my reply.
With so much compassion he asked where was I then.
Being a person with a lack of common sense, I told him I wanted to text her the message. I did not age well with my actual age. But he seemed to be matured a lot, well, I texted him to get some mature insights so, why would not he be a tad more mature than me?
But, yet I could not talk to him about the suffocation I was having. Although being an immature person, I knew this much, that reason was not to be discussed no matter how close a person should be.
I asked him, what he was doing and what he did on that day.
'The day was as usual. Currently reading a book.'
'Have you finished the book that you posted yesterday?'
'Yes, that is a small book, and I finished it in a sitting.'
'Did you like it? How you think the writing was?' as I read that book, I wanted to know what his thoughts were on the book and the writer.
'Typical of the writer. There is no depth, just playing with heavy words and repeated dialogues. I failed to find depth in his writing. Back boneless central character and aspects.'
'Yes, just like me, right? Although I am not in any way the central character, rather I am some extra on the set who would not even appear on the final version!' That was my reply, as I was still in that fish-out-of-water state, but was hesitant should or should not I talk to him about that.
He then said that the writer created superior characters in his writing to hide his inferior self behind those. Well, I was also thinking of doing the same kind of thing, which I admit to him.
'Please, carry on your writing, send me the manuscripts. You can use some metaphor, that would give more to your writing,' his eagerness was clear in those texts as he had read some of my writings back more than 15 years ago!
'Well, I wish to write. But as all the other things I have tried and found out I am not good at it, looks like I am not good at expressing my thoughts via writing too. I am not a story teller,' I confessed.
'You could come stay with me for a couple of days, that may help with your suffocation.'
I was amazed, after all that nonsense random talk, he still remembered what I texted him! As if he was giving me time to ease myself and open up to him.
He had given me an article, that he was writing. I read that and we talked about it. After some time, finally, I broke down!
I told him, why I couldn't breathe at that moment. (Unfortunately, the suffocation still comes back several times a day.)
I asked, where the string of my life has been torn off? I liked his reply, which has given me space to think. May be he was right, I am like this because I have no strings attached, may be I need to be attached to enjoy my life! Then I shared some more things with him.
Hearing (technically reading) those, his reply was, 'So, you are fighting with yourself,' There is a saying, 'Even if everyone denies the truth, still that remains as a truth, and you are in that pathway.'
I being a dimwit, could not understand, what he meant. Then he simplified. After that, he told me about the situation he was in. Looks like we are not well in this era, we all are fish out of water. We just try to act as if everything is normal. If we find some supporting shoulders, we ought to break down.
Then he bestowed me with a word of wisdom, 'My little life has taught me on beautiful thing. It doesn’t matter how much broke you are inside, never let it express outside. The world just make the fun of it.'
Did the conversation, take my breathlessness away? No. But at least it lessened a bit. I am glad for some souls around me, without whom, I might not be able to get out of the force of the black hole, although for a little time, but, it is better than absolute darkness!
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