While I was big into HS back in the day, I remember coming across some of these Actual Card Text posts on Reddit and thought they were pretty funny and reflected the many players' sentiments to certain cards. Here's my light-hearted attempt at some creating some "actual card text" for GU cards. Enjoy!
Canopy Barrage
Somehow, Canopy Barrage always hits the shittiest targets when you play it while simultaneously always hitting the correct creatures when played against you.
Underbrush Boar
Well, I don't necessarily disagree...
Out of Its Misery
Sadly, the -1 health nerf to Orcish Elite means there are no more 6/9 jokes to be made here.
Magic Missile Launcher
I actually thought this was the card text for Magic Missile Launcher for the longest time until my opponent actually used its last charge while having creatures on the board.
Carnage Sweep
"Fuck you." as its actual card text is a close second.
Radiant Dawn
Consider me a salty TCG player, but the very few times that I played BWD as Zoo Light, Radiant Dawn never showed up in my hand.
Dreaming Sceptre
I've noticed that most time my opponent plays this relic, I usually get a good chance to finish him off with its ability. 4 "free" creature removals come at a cost 😉
Miraculous Familiar
I've gotten absolutely unusable cards from this damn owl many times. I fondly remember the one time it generated me a Lead the Charge while I had an equipped Pallas' Wand - "If you have a relic equipped, set the strength of your creatures equal to the relic’s strength. Otherwise, draw a card.". Thanks, but no thanks.
Portal Wrangler
Not as prevalent now, but the one time you face the Portal Wrangler combo deck is enough to sear this image into your mind for a long while.
Hope you enjoyed this light-hearted take on some GU cards!
Cards created with https://www.gucustom.cards/. Card art taken from Gods Unchained.