My mind was undecided at first whether to write my present life journey or keep it to myself. I find its lessons too precious not to share. At the same time, I also find it too private to share. Nevertheless, I finally decided to blog about it.
Last night, though my mind was resisting, I attempted for the second time to try to be intimate with her. The first time I tried this was in November last year. The response is the same: cold and resistant.
I have been in this situation for eighteen years already. I still think there might be a chance to preserve our marriage at least for the sake of our sons. However, I cannot go on like this. Eighteen years is already too long a punishment for whatever offense I committed against her and my God. I am already too old to have an extended drama in my life. I want to spend the remaining days of my life, if not in love, at least in forgiveness, productivity, and peace.
My mind is torn between two decisions:
I have had enough. Eighteen years is more than enough to pay for whatever offense you committed.
Or
Since you could bear that long, why not add eight more years?
I am inclined to favor the second decision:
I told myself: given the shortness of life, you cannot afford to not be forgiving. You deserve a life of grace, love, peace and tranquility. Choose it and you won't regret it.
And then I spoke to her in my mind:
I am giving you what you don't deserve and that is grace.
And then a message to myself:
And besides, that's the kind of life you are supposed to live for you believe in the God of grace.
However, I hate it when people misunderstand our togetherness as happiness and as an act of reconciliation. That’s what people see from the outside, but they don’t know what’s going on inside.
I had already given up the path of anger and revenge. It gets me nowhere and everybody loses especially my sons.
And so, I started this day with this prayer:
Can you be like an ocean that can embrace all the garbage thrown at you? All I want is to spend the remaining days of my life in peace. Grant me grace to be forgiving and loving despite everything.
I am searching for the right word to describe my feelings. This word came to me: ocean.
And so, I asked AI to compose a five-stanza poem for me using the above prayer as the theme. And here’s what came up:
In the vast expanse, where the waters roll,
Can you be like the ocean, deep and whole?
Embrace the refuse, the debris, the scars,
With a heart that's as endless as the stars.
All I seek is peace in these waning days,
A sanctuary found in tranquil bays.
Let the storms pass, let the tempests cease,
And grant me the grace to find my peace.
To be forgiving, to love despite the pain,
Like the ocean's calm after the rain.
Each wave that breaks, a whispered prayer,
For kindness and compassion everywhere.
Though garbage may be cast into your depths,
Let not bitterness poison your breaths.
Rise above, as the tides do evermore,
To cleanse, to heal, to restore.
In the ocean's embrace, I find my plea,
To live with a heart that's wild and free.
To forgive, to love, with boundless might,
And bask in the glow of serene twilight.
The poem captured how I felt. And that’s the time I thought of writing down my thoughts as a therapy to understand what I am experiencing right now. And part of this therapy is to ask AI for advice.
Posted Using InLeo Alpha
