^{"Waky you know if someone doesn't love you or care about you, they wouldn't even bother themselves right?"}

These were the words that came to me that evening as I was sat down by one of my colleague who appeared to be like a mother figure among the rest of my work colleagues.
If it was not for the love and concern she had, the tense and not_so_friendly atmosphere she witnessed between I and the other person involved that made her do what she did then I don't know what else.
Her words meant so much to me and for the mere fact that she was concerned about our welfare and for being so observant that things were not really going on well between the two of us.
I mean even the blind could see the stiffness, the quietness between us.
So I guess having had some thought about it she decided to call us to it.
She asked about the situation which we both explained to the best of our abilities and it turned out we both got confused as to what had caused the sudden attitude and distance.

And knowing myself fully well, I can be like that sometimes, I could just wake up one day and decide that I don't wanna talk or converse with anyone as such carrying a long face and putting up a little bit of attitude, which I know is very bad and unaccepted.
Sometimes when I can't do a particular thing or I am just tired, hungry and exhausted, it leads to the same attitude but knowing how to manage that emotions and not let it affect others or the people around me is always where the challenge comes in and I am trying my very best to tackle this issue trust me but I just can't help it sometimes.

Funny how I don't even know how my attitude or behaviour affect other people mentally and emotionally at times.
A quick one, I was called to order too that same evening by my boss, asking why I am suddenly distancing myself, not to everyone but herself and the other person involved.
She asked if they both did anything wrong to me that could cause the sudden attitude, sincerely saying she would apologise if she said anything hurtful to me knowing it could have been in a place of love and correction or could have even been a joke that I didn't take lightly.
But truth be told, she said absolutely nothing hurtful to me, it's just who I am sometimes.
Most of the times I just space out on people, some for reasons best known to me and other times just because I feel it's the right thing to do at some point in time.

But in this very case, I had no idea I was spacing out on my boss as well and not just the other person. I ignorantly put up an attitude that affected not just the person but also got my boss worried as to what suddenly happened or changed that I was beginning to change as well.
I didn't see my fault cause I really wasn't doing this intentionally especially with my boss.
If not for anything, the fact that they are my two favourite persons at work so why would I put up an attitude without a cause?

I just feel I've been stressed lately beyond words and this could be affecting me in a way and I hoped not to let it affect my relationship with people, my friends especially.
And to end this long epistle of my thinking out loud, I do appreciate it when I do something or someone notices something about me or a sudden change and then calls me to order.
It makes me feel seen, known and heard even when I am not speaking.
That someone sees my actions and knows that something is not right somewhere is worth appreciating because alot of people don't pay attention to details or don't care, and concern could only come from a place of love and so I appreciate them.

^{PS: Photo is mine, except stated otherwise}

𝐖𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐫

   11 September 2024 ~ Thursday