I knew this post was long overdue, although I kept finding reasons to move it up to the next day, hoping that I'll have my Eureka moment and know exactly how to answer this. My friend had asked, "How do you get out of a toxic relationship?"
I did not know it was a song that will help me to finally find the answer I was looking for. I was listening to Overdose by Alessia Cara this evening and while I sang along, I realize the artist is clearly annoyed by the way her lover treats her badly and she's already gotten too much. Although her relationship has been one hell of a rollercoaster, they always find a way to move back into each other's arms. Now she's saying she's overdosed and she certainly wants to get over him.
That was when it hit me that if she wanted to finally say no to every lie and ill-treatment, what would she have to do to be able to finally let go of years and years of toils and efforts to make her relationship work without looking back?
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It's almost impossible to get out of a toxic relationship because you are always addicted to the sway of emotions your partner brings to the table. The fact that they are nice one minute and suddenly strike a hot iron down your chest the next minute makes you want them more. You always want to have the taste of their kindness again, hoping that clinging to them will do the magic. But it doesn't work like that
The moment someone who is toxic finds that you are dependent on them for your happiness, they take their toxicity to the extreme. They know you probably can't do without them, so they pull the strings and triggers that leave you hanging on a thread hoping to get all the good times back.
Yet, there's a way out! I found out a long time ago that getting out of a toxic relationship no matter how much you came to depend on your lover is possible. And the person who taught me ways that one can take back power and control over their mind, feelings, and emotions had been none other than Robert Greene in his book, The 48 Laws of Power. And I'll explain to you how that book that seems to revolve around politicians, governance, and democrats can help you get out of a toxic relationship.
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You see in this world you will always feel helpless and miserable when you can't have any situation under your control. Especially when it comes to the people you love, you are always wishing you could have power over them, their emotions, their feelings, and most importantly how they treat you but it gets taken away every single time.
However, if you read the Laws of Power, certain chapters will give you victory over your feelings and you'll be able to break away from whatever cobwebs you found yourself.
One of the most important ones is Law 36 which you will find on page 300 if you have the hard copy. This law states, "Disdain things you can't have. Ignoring them is the best revenge". I don't know if you have been in a toxic relationship before or if you watch other people who are or were, there's a pattern you should pay attention to. Whenever there's a fight because one of the partners isn't carrying the other along, it's always of no use to cry, scream, argue, and debate. What often happens is that if the victim takes this approach, he or she never gets what they want. The more they talk, cry, and quarrel, the harder it takes to get the other party to come around.
Now, getting out of a toxic relationship even if you are using this law alone is possible. The moment you have discovered none of your crying and shouting is helping, use law 36 to your advantage. When you don't talk anymore, you make whatever it is you felt for that person seem less superior. Robert says that when you acknowledge a petty problem what you are doing is giving it credibility. In this scenario, this partner of yours doesn't deserve it because they are clearly treating you badly.
Another point Robert makes using this law is the fact that the more attention you pay an enemy, the stronger you make him. You already know that if someone is messing with your mental health, they are clearly your enemy because enemies only seek to destroy not build. And if you are dealing with a toxic person, do not give him that attention by shouting, quarreling, trying to settle, making them see reasons, etc. It won't work, in fact, the more you try to fix it, the more it gets worse.
Finally, Robert instructs us to show contempt for whatever it is that we want but we can't seem to get it. Which is the highlight of this law, of course. You want their love, care, and attention, and they aren't giving it to you. And when you try to make it work, they work their toxic and narcissistic magic to get you back where you started.
Listen, the more you want someone, and you show it aggressively, there is every tendency, that they will elude you, and uncontrollable desires like this are said to make you seem weak, unworthy of their love, and even pathetic. And because toxic people like treading on weaklings, you give them the upper hand if you do not retrace your steps.
You should leave it alone. You cancel him or her out and this is a powerful move on the chessboard. It means you are the one who determines the outcome of this war because it is waged on your own terms and not theirs anymore. When you do this, you will see that your partner seeing that you are no longer interested, react in his or her own way. It will infuriate him or her, and they will start trying to get your attention. Robert says if you don't give it to them, they flounder in frustration.
They will always respond with a desire of their own, they will either try to possess you again or hurt you. Either way, you are winning, and your strategy is working out in your favor. By baiting them into action, they play by your rules.
So you maintain all order of superiority by canceling out every dynamic of interaction. Playing the card of contempt works best for getting out of a toxic relationship. This is because when you unsettle your oppressor, their true colors begin to show, and you will be able to discover that you weren't truly loved but used to pass the time or protect themselves from being alone.
At this point, you will see that the power and the courage to walk out will be there because you see clearly and you understand better. Plus, the truth sets us free, so finding out that there wasn't really anything there, you will be free to walk away without feeling guilty or any sense of loss.
There are other laws you can read to help you stand your ground and win. One of them is Law 9 and which says, "Win through action never through argument". Again, you can see that words are no use in this kind of situation, actions speak louder. And when you learn Law 4 too which encourages you to always say less than necessary, you will grace yourself with the ability to not get into a fight and try exchanging words when you are playing the disdain game I explained above.
I'll leave you here to go find other laws that will definitely help because this post got longer than I thought it would.
So, to answer my friend's question, "the most powerful way to get out of a toxic relationship is by playing the disdain game"
Thank you for reading.
