In my previous post, I talked about lies and how they erode trust, causing lasting and sometimes irrevocable damage to communication and community. I want to expand on this by dealing with one of the most critical expressions of deceit: gaslighting, a perversion that affects our civilization at all levels, from households to classrooms to nations.
I had a wonderful chat yesterday with @selfhelp4trolls about trust and although we didn't directly use the word gaslighting, we talked about how we're discouraged to explore the world as kids, how we're forced to believe and repeat lies and how we're persuaded that our genuine needs and wants lack value or purpose. This is an issue that affects us our entire lives, we're subjected to it by our parents and other relatives first, but also by our friends, personal and professional partners, and all sorts of institutions such as the media and, of course, our governments. We also may do it to ourselves and to others if we're not careful.
Gaslighting is a serious problem, it promotes and sustains abuse by perpetuating lies. It's especially harmful when used by people in a position of authority and our leaders do it all the time by wielding the power of the law and imposing official narratives that seek to determine our relationship with facts and truth for the sake of avoiding responsibility for their many transgressions and incompetence. News outlets also use it to misdirect the public, get more traffic and advance the views of their editorial staffs, owners, sponsors, shareholders and political allies. At a smaller but no less important scale, gaslighters at home or in schools may cause enormous levels of anxiety and conflict within families and friends, debilitating mutual understanding, obstructing empathy and preventing the healthy exchange of ideas and feelings.
Having personal experience with this kind of manipulation is excruciating and there are no easy ways to deal with it. The only means that I've found to work through that require considerable self-awareness and self-esteem. A gaslighter will never genuinely admit to their wrongdoing, only resorting to apologies as a means to regain access to their victims, after which they promptly resume their distortions. It's very important to understand, however, that people who engage in these practices often were themselves subjected to them by someone else, they do it mostly out of fear and a desire for control because of their own uncertainty and pain. This doesn't excuse them, of course, but it helps the rest of us to resolve our feelings about their actions.
What I've done upon encountering this problem is exploring myself, recognizing the impact that manipulation has had on me and why. I've found that inner resentment, guilt, shame, anger, hatred, jealousy, envy and arrogance are the enablers of the success of these behaviors. We'll always be prey to abusers, liars and the corrupt unless we manage to clear our debts to ourselves. Gaslighting relies on the target's lack of self-respect, it can't thrive in a context of sincerity. If someone tells me that something I know to be true is false and I doubt myself, it's not because of that person but rather because I don't trust my own knowledge. The foremost defense against this is therefore to confirm that knowledge and identify any denial of it for what it is: an assault on my confidence.
The warnings of gaslighting and other forms of abuse are always present and we can catch them early on in any relationship or discourse if we pay attention. We must also strive to connect with our intuition, the unfiltered information that we collect from our environments, and also accept the support of others, particularly people who are external to the situation. If you know of someone who might be experiencing these things, point them toward the red flags if they're willing to listen. You'll be doing a great service and it should make it easier to work through similar circumstances later on.
Rune of the Day: Mannaz
Assemblies are summoned to discuss matters of great import, the opinions of the few can no longer dominate the fate of the collective. Try as they may, those in power cannot wield it without raising questions and risking upheaval, whispers become public and secrets are brought into the open. Subject willingly to the scrutiny of the community or be forced into trial before your peers, recognition brings rewards but it also exacts a toll. Avoid verbal confrontations, speak calmly or not at all, the silent listener learns while the avid orator becomes compromised. Demonstrate your experience by example, your actions carry more weight and garner more attention than you realize. Borders quickly lose their meaning and the peoples of the world begin to mingle, open your mind to other languages, be ready for new forms of dialogue.