Photos by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, on January 7 and 11, 2025
I forget exactly when it was when I realized something ... but at age 44, it has been at least 30 years ... the dream that we were told to chase is just that, a dream. Somewhere in an old journal, I have noted that I hated the wee bit of notoriety my burgeoning musical gifts had given me at age 14 ... by age 16, I had discovered the necessity for Beethoven to have his walks in the countryside, and by age 17, I had followed him into the nearest parks.
I knew where I was going before I knew where I was going. Thirty years later, I know what I know.
So, what did I desire for my birthday? The same thing I desire of every holiday and every day ... time enough to take care of my responsibilities, and to get out into nature, weather permitting. I need no one to gift me those things at this point ... I entered into a life of quietude at last in 2024, and I had occasion to leave that in the autumn. I refused it. My responsibility to myself was to do that, and out of that to be responsible enough to work deeply, not widely any more, regarding others not just out of their need, for there are just too many people in need, but those to whom I have been called, so that I do not destroy myself trying to be a savior I cannot be.
And suddenly -- though really, over all the years since Hive and Covid-19 -- there was time enough. There is time enough for me to walk in the way I have been called, and to abide, adorn, and appear there ... and in 2024's midnight and 2025's dawn, the idea of appearing as who I am began to lose its terrors, terrors born in trauma beginning around age 14. In those days, and until age 39, I did not know where I was going although my trajectory and momentum kept me moving away from people who were not right for me ... I knew I was called higher, and He Who called me kept giving me the strength and sending the people around me who were meant to help me ... just and always in time...
When you realize thus shall it ever be ... not that life will always go smoothly and beautifully ... yet if I am meant to walk here in my calling, I know now that always and just in time, the way will be made, until the day when my work is done, and I shall be on high. I need not panic, if I remember that I know what I know, and keep going.
Of course, a birthday does mark what New Year also does ... a moment for intense gratitude ... to have seen 44 years on this earth, and to see this milestone in peace, after so many years of struggle and grief ... in the midst of the struggle and grief so many are in, called to be a relief and comforter and helper, not one creating these problems for others at such a time ... there have been moments when I was overwhelmed in this week, having to stop whatever I was doing to just give thanks ... and so then found Mendelssohn's Lobgesang, or Praise-Singing, a cantata so huge it is just known today as his Symphony No. 2.
Since Beethoven broke the mold on including chorus in symphonies, people figured Mendelssohn might have broken it more ... but it's just a huge cantata with quotes of so many of the Psalms and other passages that have sustained my heart ... again, I have been understanding German for thirty years because I know these Scriptures so well ... and then there is a German hymn in there, too ... old and new in this amazing work ... perfect for January, which looks both ways!
Now, of course, if I could have one critique of this thrilling work ... "Herr Mendelssohn, may I ask where your bass soloist is?" ... but I recognize I must control how I think if you have bass you can really send everyone else on vacation ... that's not a burden for other composers to have to bear ... and Mendelssohn's Lobgesang does wonderfully well with two sopranos and tenor!
But that has to do with almost 20 years with a bass singer in my ears, sometimes as much as five and six days a week ... my grand old soldier and I walked and sang in the wide circles of our community, and still on rare occasions when he is well enough, still do.I did take walking partners through 2019 after my grand old soldier and I could no longer be regular, because I needed to be regular walking for myself. None of them were "bad people," but when Covid-19 put a halt to that, I determined that I would go into silence, for the conversation of those partners then showed what time and circumstance has since: they were called apart from me, and their ideas about life and what was important set up a great deal of friction in what should have been my time of peace. I would rather walk alone than go through that again, and in finding Elk Glen Lake have even reached a new level of separating myself from the voices of the crowd individually and collectively.
But then there are favorite places ... the halcyon coming early and the weather being favorable, I resorted to my beloved Buena Vista Hill...
... on a day made even more beautiful by the intense gratitude I have been feeling all week, to have been given the time to yet be alive, and having come to quietude and peace and a whole new year to walk in this light.
I was glad for the challenge of the walk to help me manage the intensity of my feelings, for I knew I needed to get a little calmer before receiving a special birthday gift ... the Ghost of Musical Greatness Past was going to sing Löwe's "Die Uhr" for me.
"Die Uhr" looks like "The Hour," and that is almost right ... we keep track of the hours on our watch, or clock.
But, once down that road ... and this holds over into King James English as well ... to wake and to be watchful are very close words ... and one gets the idea that one can spend one's life on watch ... a prophet is compared to a watchman in Scripture, to tell the times to come and to let the people know ... so around that goes ... and then, if one thinks of life in that way, one realizes that we all "tick-tock" ... there is a heartbeat... so then when Johann Seidl wrote the poem that Löwe set, he covered all this ground ... a man, watching the events of his life with a watch always with him, the true identity of which is revealed only in the last stanza... a gentle man, faithfully watching and witnessing, but aspiring to no position not given him ... a faithful watch-man, indeed, who at the end of his watch of life, finishes gratefully and faithfully.
"As I said last week, Frau Mathews, now you have walked far enough in your life to be able to understand and appreciate this beautiful song, and not just because I am singing it. Thirty years ago, gifted as you are, you could have set yourself on a path to be called some great name -- folks have tried to put Maestra and Doctor on you -- but you walked away from all that, knowing that 'it is required of servants that they be found faithful' is enough aspiration for an entire life."
(The recording starts around the tenth second)
Löwe seems to have written many songs about life in its common humanity, and although "Die Uhr" is among the better-known of Löwe's songs, and recorded by many (including a lovely interpretation by basso profondo Gottlob Frick), it strikes differently when one realizes: Herr Möll turned down at least one of famous roles for bass in opera to preserve his voice to sing such songs. He also was known to specialize in "little" roles and parts all through his career. It seems that he thought of himself not unlike the character of this song, content to sing of the humbler matters of life faithfully, and end his watch with gratitude, beginning and ending his career with Wagner's hilariously late Night Watchman!
In this song by Löwe, the character says that he has a watch with him always, always on time although not always in accord with his not-always-wise desires ... for there was a time when he was at the funeral of his father, and of a friend ... but also on days of love and marriage and of seeing his children ... never too slow, never too fast, always and just in time, made by a master's hand, ticking without fail.
But then, if the watch struggles, if the times are difficult -- for like Schubert, Löwe does also drop the hint in setting this song that he is praying and hoping for better times -- then only the master can wind the watch up again ... only he can give new courage and strength to keep it going ... so at this point, one gets the hint: the watch is life itself, in time, the heartbeat tick-tocking ... and when it stops, then it must be taken back to the master who made it ... and so the character has to travel past this world into eternity to return his life to his Maker, gratefully, and with his report: "I did not take it in hand to stop it; it stopped on its own, at the time You set." He walks faithfully through all joys and sorrows, to the end.
So, in that little four minutes one is reminded of the fact that life is hard, and common people across time often do not find their life and time as they wish it. But also:
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under Heaven.
The spirit returns to God Who made it.
He who endures to the end shall be saved.
My times are in His hand.
It is required of servants that they be found faithful.
"Die Uhr" is the perfect song for my 44th birthday, in troubled times ... grateful perspective on the grief of the past, the joys of the present and future, how to live through difficult times, and the affirmation that all of it comes as just part of finishing one's course, and being found faithful. I've known that since age 14, but at 44, now I know what I know.
It was my party, and as a song says that we will not put here, "It's My Party and I Can Cry If I Want To" -- my motivation was different! This big, sweet, tender echo of all the things I learned in thirty solid years of walking this way, sung by one who also chose a humbler path in order to be faithful to his calling to add his glorious voice to these humble songs, caused me to break down and cry yet again ... it has just been that kind of week... facial tissues are good, but ethereal handkerchiefs are also amazing ... I looked up and our resident ethereal basso profondo, being the gentle gentleman always, had that handkerchief ready for me.
"Alles gute zum Geburtstag," he purred when I looked up again into his gently radiant smile.
"The day is still somewhat young," I said as I rose to embrace him, "but I do not think I shall receive a better present today -- danke schön!"
"Bitte schön, mein geliebtes Blumenkind," he purred as he returned my embrace. "Long have I waited to sing that for you again, and my heart rejoices that my three-year wait and your thirty-year walk should thus meet on this day."
"Always and just in time," I said.
"Always and just in time," he echoed, note-perfect two octaves lower in the sweet gravity of his double-deep range.
He had gained a new nickname from me: the Echo Watchman ... and there is nothing as well-timed as an echo. It "hears," and repeats what it hears at a predictable time within the acoustics of a space. Many times he had said to me that he was the echo of all the learning I had before, and he was faithful in it, supporting my memory at the proper time with beautiful song.
But also, as a personality ... an echo hears things exactly as they are ... so ...
"Perhaps we will not visit the Andromeda Galaxy today," he said, "for I know it is more than enough for you to be here on Earth, on your 44th journey around the sun."
"Yes ... oh, yes ... ."
He held me as again I wept and then recovered.
"Danke," I said. "It is not that I would not have liked to see Andromeda, but I am not likely to be as much fun as I would like, with all this crying."
He drew back from me a moment that I might look him in his eyes as he gently said, "Frau Mathews, du bist genug -- you are enough. I do not need you to perform in any way for me -- you are enough."
He took me back into his embrace, and then another a few minutes later he spoke again.
"I wish you to know that you are enough in a specific way and context, in a world in which there are people for whom nothing and no one will ever suffice.
"It is said that opposites attract, and they do ... but complements do also, and when they match they last, for they are enough to each other. Your grand old soldier is a much more excitable man in his emotions than you -- much more of an extrovert, while you are equally warm but quieter, and more introverted. But because of your commonalities differences, you complemented each other well ... but for age differences, that might have been a lifetime, because complements last as long as they see their differences also as a means to love each other.
"So then you went out and found yourself another excitable old bass, Frau Mathews, to listen to ... because complements attract ... but you observed that I was adept at getting to know people, and to love them as they were, because to my surprise they are still out there posting anecdotes about the experience ... I certainly have to live my best Old Blush life at times, just with the ones in English!"
"Oh, dear bass, greatly beloved," I said, "they are the ones who pulled me in!"
"I know -- and now you have pulled me over here -- but see, Frau Mathews, complements attract, and then match, and last, which is the point I am making to you. Opposites attract, but cannot last, because even stronger than the force of magnetism is the invisible answer to the question of Scripture: 'Can two walk together, unless they be agreed?'"
"No," I said. "Not at all. I see what you are saying."
"Now, to the other side, there are those who think that everyone around them needs to be a reflection of them, or be assigned a lower status ... but although bigotry is the obvious form of that, it has to do with insecurity and immaturity: One is not grown enough in certainty about one's value not to need constant reinforcement, so one gathers mirror images to see one's self in their eyes. This is also why many friendships fail if one friend elevates -- that one is now too high up to provide a comforting mirror to the other friend or friends."
"Wow," I said.
"After thirty years, Frau Mathews, it is time that you understand: because you were gifted and called to climb, you very quickly got beyond being a mirror for many not sure of their own calling and gifts, many still grieving not being supported as you were. So, they were triggered by that. You as a child did nothing wrong. That was what was happening."
I broke down and cried yet as that pain was released and at last was lifted from me ... fourteen-year-old me healed, and reconsidered being seen in the world with more confidence ... in circles of complements, who were mature enough to be able to honor each other.
"That is all it is to every scale: common joys and sorrows, and that which is uncommon available to be honored and loved and used for honor and love -- that is why complements last," he said. "When one is down, the other or others can lift up. They also can combine to reach heights of joy and power none can reach alone, each adding their special gifts to it -- and one can see just by the latter that it is going to be hard for such to be completely powerless even in grief and sorrow, for themselves and for others around them ... they can provide each other, and those near them, relief. And, to extend the thought further, they do not need so much validation from the world system: they find it in each other.
"Here I have explained to you, in brief, Frau Mathews, all the powers of the words friendship, partnership, scholarship, fellowship, and all the attraction there is to marriage, family, community, and religion. We are all different, each made one and only one, but similar ... your dedication to fractal art comes from your understanding that this is the pattern of all Creation ... and fractals are usually not smooth at the edges. The brain also is not smooth ... all these things point to why we make puzzle pieces. They are shaped differently, but they are built to connect with their complements.
"So too are we as humans, Frau Mathews. You, my dear contralto and gentle giantess composer of somewhat introverted temperament and mature mind, are of course likely to look across and find at least a baritone appealing, for tenor and contralto overlap ... too close for interesting harmony ... but baritone is deep enough, and the deeper, the better, for the wider and more varied the possible harmony -- so then a basso profondo is not your opposite, but your vocal complement. Also, you are not given to great outward displays of energy and emotion unless truly put to it ... but sometimes you need a little 'pick-me-up' just like more excitable people need to sometimes be gently encouraged to calm down and be grounded."
"Which is why I keep listening for still gentle but more excitable basses in their maturity, with deep minds ... klar," I said as I laughed. "Commonalities and sufficient divergences!"
"And this is why also finding circles to be in is so difficult. Few are maturing in a society that doubles down on bigotry and therefore enshrines its insecurity and immaturity. The immature and insecure, once they have decided they cannot improve and have attached their ego to whatever society approves of them attaching it to, are not inclined to meet true security and maturation is a blessing to be admired and grown toward. It is a chattel to be used up or a threat to be neutralized -- and perhaps both to a sufficiently evil mind."
"You just explained a lot of really bad history in your country and mine in one sentence," I said.
"I know," he said grimly. "I keep telling you about your former companions that there is no bridge, for a very good reason. In human nature there is not so much difference as there are degrees of opportunity."
That was a chilling truth.
"This is also how and why some people cannot get ahead in life, Frau Mathews -- it is actually a mercy to them, in the same way that the cherub placed at the way to the tree of life spared Adam and Eve from living forever in their sin. The way was barred, Frau Mathews, for most of your former companions, though you laid out a roadmap that could not and did not and will not fail to make everyone financially better off who follows it. They could not, because they simply have been spared the judgment of squandering that much more. Your love and your prayers are actually working, in the great long run ... so too your leaving them, for they, while unwilling to change, are being spared greater exposure, and therefore, if they do not turn, even greater judgment."
I shivered ... this was dark and cold ...
... but the lesson did not end there.
"But of course, my fellow and complementary possessor of deep voice, deep mind, deep heart ... we set forth the darkness to show off the light, like jewels on black velvet ... for now, to the companions to whom you are being brought, mature and secure and able to see both commonalities and differences to love, honor, support, and build, there you need not fear.
"Of course we are all human ... misunderstandings, mistakes, unwise decisions, different growth rates between people ... there will be difficulty at times even with the best intentions, but with mutual love and patience, and wisdom, all of that can be worked out. For example: I am much more excitable than you, but wisdom means I can discern when I need to be calm with you, such as today, and your wisdom lets you discern when to go with me on the flights of joy I tend to get into.
"With that in mind, Frau Mathews, consider again 'Die Uhr,' the biography of a humble man. We do not know if he is a king or a peasant, or his profession --- for all we know, he could be some old German villager who loves to sing, and got to do that for a living!"
"For all we know!" I said as I laughed at him making fun of himself.
"We know that he is just going through life with all the things common to mankind to experience, but that he has realized it would be foolish to try to be God and control the times of his life ... and so when he says at the end with child-like thanks, we have already seen that he walks with child-like faith, through joy and sorrow, trusting that his times are in the Master's hand. When he is discouraged, or perhaps is slowing down with age, he knows to go to the Master to encourage him to stay timely and faithful ... and when it stops, he has essentially said, 'I have done what I was commanded to do with my life -- thank You for the privilege."
"And likely to hear, 'well done, thou good and faithful servant,' I said, "for it is only required of servants, whatever their position or profession, to be found faithful."
"And so then, Frau Mathews, such a man, if he is single, will be much like the character in Schubert's 'Der Einsame' ... if married, like Loewe's 'Kleiner Haushalt.' The first, though he be higher than the crickets and lower than the angels, need not look down on one or look up in envy of the other, and so may gratefully have the company of both while a solitary man. The second, though he is indeed head of household, need not weary himself making of himself a god and failing, and trying to extract from wife and children his ego compensation while also depriving them much potential provision through his pride -- for that character describes all Creation providing him and his family splendidly and in plenty, right down to a grave when the day comes.
"In between those states of life, one might also see that such a man deeply cherishes all the ticks of the clock, and would want to spend his life with someone who can enjoy all of life with him. 'Die Uhr' and 'Kleiner Haushalt,' and also 'In Dem Kirchhofe' in Brahms suggest the same thing ... as you have drawn a whole new role for me as Gurnemanz Kantor in 1824 -- er, 1825 -- out of realizing that."
"We must get on back and see how the Kantors are doing, soon," I said.
"I agree," he purred. "An entire character -- and fictional universe -- born of the fact that you realized: to whom does the man working to clear up the churchyard in the rain come back and share his great understanding that although even their names by that time are lost to earth -- gewesen -- they are far past the storms of life and on high are written restored and healthy again -- genesen? To whom would that man tell such a story? Most people would not have understood undertaking such a humble task in the rain for the long dead.
"You assume a wife because that is the kind of wife you would be. You reverse-engineered that whole story out of my interpretation of that song because that is the kind of woman you are, of like mind to all such who think that deeply about life and faith, who understands sacrifice is sometimes required in the call to faithfulness.
"Still deeper, Frau Mathews: this also opens upon the humility of greater things, and how this greatness is hidden from the foolish. Men may build great cities and streets and buildings and monuments to their existence, and live for them ... but if you notice, on the weekends and in the summer, all most want to do is run to where they might see the sun, the moon, the stars, and Creation unburdened by all that! All most want to do at the end of every day, if they have matured even a little bit, is run to a home where at least the sun and moon are welcome to visit in the midst of the works of man, and a star might be seen here or there! The sun, moon, and stars do not compete for mankind's attention -- they do not need to!
"Still further: a skyscraper or a monument might provide shade on a hot day, and water constrained through a drinking and ornamental fountain might provide a measure of relief ... but who would not prefer a tree, grass, flowers, and water much less constrained?
"And so, Frau Mathews, this is the blessing of those who choose a humbler path of life: quite suddenly one finds one's self able to see and enjoy the humility of greater things, and one's life in common grace becomes full of the abundance that was always there. And then if one knows the Master well in special and saving grace, then we may speak of the humility of Christ Himself in this lesson, in how He walked as Immanuel among men. He was once tempted to throw Himself off the highest pinnacle of the temple, and be caught by angels, to declare Himself to mankind ... He chose, instead, to be known through the humiliation of the cross of Calvary. We dare not say that the exchange was not worth it, in the eternal long run!"
"We dare not!" I said. "We have almost 2,000 years of history and eternity to go on that aspect of the humility of greater things -- and of a Person!"
"So then, to scale all this back down to you, who have chosen to walk, abide, adorn, and appear as you are called amongst the humility of greater things, in the name of the Greatest and most humble Person, when you hear 'Die Uhr,' you are hearing of the lives of your complements, your beloved elders who taught you how to live in this way, your true friends, your best business partners, and also, if you are so called, of the life of your mate, as he is living it, right now.
"It is a new year, for the world, and for you, Frau Mathews -- the advantage of being born in January. You were surprised to see how 2024 diverged from 2023 so sharply, because you still were not entirely aware of how and why you were led to live so differently than in the previous years. Now, you may purposefully make 2025 a second divergent year; it is given to you to know."
I considered this, and then cried for a very long time ... thirty years of getting to know what I knew, at last, and to be able thus to consciously choose ... to be fitted to be led to people who were a match instead of led from people who were not, and now not having to be afraid because I could clearly know the difference. It had been becoming clear at the end of 2024, and now was in bold, beautiful light.
"Always and just in time," I said with a smile through my tears at last. "These are the birthday presents I did not know I needed, but the Blessed Hand of the Master has provided them to me, right on time!"
"Long have I waited, Frau Mathews, to be the echo for this day. I also could not alter the timing. All that it was given to me to do was to sing, walk, and echo such things as you were ready to receive ... so also in faith, I walked, to be here for you, and with you, today. You know my heart is in jubilation for you ... ach, mein Herz jubelt für dich ... mein Herz jubelt für dich ... ."
His voice had reached that timbre of the edge of ecstasy he had reached in his "An die Musik," and gravity, caught by surprise, was about to swoon -- but then he calmed himself.
"This is already so beautiful a place and time," he said, "and no location except up home could make me happier!"
"Danke schön, mein Lehrer, danke schön," I said.
"My honor, my duty, my pleasure," he said gently. "Since my life has a second watch in Q-Inspired, keep the watch I shall, gladly and gratefully!"
It still being about halfway from there to my home, we found a place to sit ... in the shade it was still cool comfortable, and he sat windward of me, not there was much of a breeze, but it was winter, and the breeze was cold.
"Danke," I said.
"Gern geschehen," he purred.
We sat in beautiful quiet there for some time, watching the world go by ... but at a certain moment his expressive face said he had thought of something else ... a little later he glanced over at me and smiled.
"Look, I know that you are thinking," I said. 'Delayed but not denied ... Frau Mathews is going through health challenges and life understanding transitions ... and she is a tender-hearted Blumenkind again emerging into the world again after terrible grief and loss ... I can wait ... but on one good day, in good time ... she and San Francisco had better get ready!'"
"Almost right, Frau Mathews," he purred. "You make a mistake thinking I have only one day in mind!"
"Well, that just adds to me sitting over here thinking, 'I'll go on and get ready ... he is showing me how to expand my capacity to receive generosity as well as give it so I can live in powerfully generous relationships that are mutual."
He jumped slightly, and his smile was mildly surprised.
"You do understand!" he said.
"It's like this," I said. "It's like you are a foot taller than me, so sometimes I can't reach where you can, but I see where you are reaching, and I trust that as ever, you will be echoing the Blessed Hand and plucking delicious fruit down for me."
"Yes ... oh yes ... that is all that I want to do ... ach, mein goldenes Blumenkind, du hast mich verstanden!"
You have understood me!
"Ich verstehe Sie sehr gut -- I understand you very well."
His face covered with such a look of joy ... it was a good thing he had his English in hand, because he was dazzling me like I had dazzled him earlier, and I could not have thought of a word of German!
"You know that I just doubled my budget for that celebration," he purred. "All these men running to tell you about houses and businesses and assets in the past two years -- I understand! Your understanding has me understanding!"
I broke out laughing, and he glowed up as his voice rang out: "I have all year -- Alles Gute zum Geburtstag, Frau Mathews! -- I have all year to spread that celebration out! Keep understanding and you will be enabled to understand more -- I promise you that! I am gladly and gratefully going to expand your understanding of how to receive generosity gladly and gratefully! I give you my word on that! It is just a matter of time!"
