So I was visiting a friend in Cape Town just a while ago and a conversation went summink like this:
me: shared some of what went down over these last years
him: no reply. looks at his watch and then off into the distance
me: shared a bit more
him: advice on letting it go and getting on with my life
me: "Well it's kinda hard to move on when you're basically still in it."
*silence
We mostly don't talk about stuff because we aren't comfortable dealing with it.
I understand this. I've been there. For years I was there as well.
But...
I was only able to be "me" when I became able to observe, hear and feel everything and all of it. Both my own stuff and the stuff of those around me. Of course.
And people are only able to heal when their experiences are validated.
This is, arguably, the most important part of trauma recovery.
And so...
by refusing to allow people to speak freely about their experiences...
we hold them trapped inside of those experiences forever, possibly.
And we prevent any healing for them, or ourselves, as well.
All because of fear again. And again... there is nothing to be afraid of
But I've learned a bit.
So a bit later on that day I broached the topic again. And the conversation, this time, went summink like this:
"Hey Jason, can I talk to you about something please? It's important to me and it may be uncomfortable for you. Is now a good time? Or would you let me know a time that you'd be okay with this, please?"
*he stops mid walk and stares at me. Then nods and says now's a good time and to go ahead.
"I don't need to you to pick sides." I say. "And I don't need you to do anything or jump in and fix anything. I've been in this and I've got this and I'm okay. But what I can't do is walk around and be with you and pretend that none of this happened because you can't deal with it. Okay? I can't pretend anymore.
"I've come too fuckin' far and I've lost too much to go back to pretending. And you don't get to deny my reality because it's too hard for you to deal with. So, if we carry on seeing each other, you're either going to have to deal with my reality and allow me to express myself honestly, or we can part ways and be distant acquaintances. And I'll still care about you and love you because I actually get it and I understand."
But I don't do that polite pretending shit anymore. That's your fear. I've dealt with mine. I've worked years and I've worked hard to get over that rubbish. And that's not my stuff to carry. I'm not carrying anybody else's stuff anymore, okay? I have enough of my own to deal with, thanks."
As I'm talking, and kinda moving into a rant tbh, he starts to nod and smile.
And as I finish off with the punchy "not my shit to carry and I won't do it part", he says, "You're absolutely right!"
The rest of the weekend is honest, intimate and so very special. And I get to hear a whole lot more about what's really happened to him as well.
They say everybody is fighting a battle we don't know about and all that.
This is another true story.
I'll tell you what another true story is...
speaking openly about my experience was something I intentionally did as a part of the recovery I just took a massive for, to try and sort things out in full.
I was dying faster than I'd like to again, you see. And this is a fact and I also had to accept it to slow it down.
I also returned to philosophy to try and make sense of some stuff during the recovery.
Man... highly recommended. Like... highly!
And I withdrew for a while and watched some animals.
I prefer animals, these days, because they don't pretend.
It's simpler to just be. With animals.
Until things pass...
As they inevitably do.
If we don't ignore them.
A visitor arrives one day, during this process, through a door left open.
And makes himself comfortable.
He won't come near me when I stumble upon him outside though.
A wanderer. And a bit feral, perhaps.
He doesn't trust people much either for some reason.
So I don't try to force him to let me pet him.
When we see each other, sometimes miles away from his actual home, we stop and stare at each other for a bit. Just a simple acknowledgement.
And then we walk on.
But on this day he came to lie nearby me for a while.
He still wouldn't let me pet him though...
I stumbled upon a Tortoise the other day.
They were more scared of me than I was of them.
Of course.
But I was worried they'd get run over because they were trying to cross the main road. So I stopped to pick them up and put them back into the brush nearby instead.
I couldn't catch them though.
I thought Tortoises were supposed to be so slow.
And "slow and steady wins the race" has always been one of my favourite sayings.
For realsies... and one day I won't have to say that anymore and that's not your fault either, you know. With all that confirmation bias and unconscious bias and all that sneaky shadow stuff at play
I had a few really rough days, while I processed some stuff I'd been busy trying to avoid. I took a walk, on one of these days, to move through some things that were too heavy to sit with.
And I met some Alpacas.
I stopped and leaned on the fence to watch them for a while.
The man who owns them came out of his house to talk to me.
He could see me straight away.
He was in the Gulf War, he said.
I was embarrassed to be seen like that. So fragile and uncertain. But he carried on as though it was just fine.
He was gentle and kind. He didn't have to say much more. And I know he told me his history because he could see we had some things in common.
We both knew. We didn't have say anything else, really. Just see each other.
I think when people have had similar experiences they don't need to pretend quite so much. There's less fear of those experiences because they've already experienced them.
And survived anyway.
I couldn't talk much that day, myself. Or very coherently, I think.
So he gave me some carrots, told me not to curl my fingers so I wouldn't get bitten and left me in the comfort of silence with the animals. To feed them.
He mentioned they are used in trauma recovery as well.
Like horses.
I left feeling much better. Far lighter. More at peace. That's all I had to process that day, really.
Something lifted a little bit more as I walked home.
I even laughed before I left...
Watch out for those Llamas though...
I sat and watched the baboon troop in the village one morning.
I was there early and they were there to forage. And steal if they could.
It was early and I wasn't in any rush, so I stood and watched them for a while.
A few mothers with some small infants. The infants playing together. The mothers and babies separated from the main troop, headed by the alpha male, because he may attack the infants.
The baboons know themselves well enough to organise themselves effectively.
A couple of younger males are left to protect the mothers and infants.
I think that is really civilised. And functional. And rational. And sane.
The troop moves together. In unison even though parts of it are separated to protect their young. And to protect the mothers so that they can protect their young.
I think of our "civilised" western "culture", as I watch this organised unity, and of how our mothers are largely left to struggle alone. And of how our children suffer the consequences of stressed parenting. Or not much parenting at all because work and bills, you know.
But, in my society, this is "normal".
This is "civilised".
I comment to a few people that I think baboons are more organised and, possibly, more civil that we humans are right now. In our so called "evolution".
But, of course, this is misinterpreted because of other people's stuff. Again. I can see it when it happens. I can hear it in the awkward silences now. But we humans aren't yet evolved enough to ask for clarity and understanding. We pretend instead. We deny and ignore.
Which are, again, all the same thing.
And I no longer try to explain myself quite so much when I see it now. I've learned that you can't control the thinking and perspective of other people.
I've learned that it doesn't matter very much what you say, sometimes. And that anything you say can be used against you if someone wants to turn the tide. So I let that stuff go now. The gossip and misunderstanding, I mean.
Because I've learned how to wait a bit more.
Understanding takes a bit longer when people are afraid to talk, you see.
The troop comes by my place on another day and I step outside to see them. To watch the group dynamic again. I'm a bit fascinated by now, because it's so very different from we humans.
Maybe because we deny and ignore our own animal impulses.
And pretend so much.
On this day, the alpha male is sitting on my roof. Right on the very peak.
He's a marvellous sight. I wish I had a camera, with a decent zoom lense, when I see him on the white peak of the house with the azure sky of just beginning summer behind him.
The mothers are separated again. The infants playing in a garden across the road.
He sits up there watching over the troop on his own while they play and forage.
One of the baboon watchers today is a brash, macho man. He's kind of arrogant and cocky and, as he walks down the road, one of the female baboons sees him coming and screams a couple of times.
They've never done this when I've walked by them.
I'm standing behind the man as this happens and, as her alarm call goes off, the alpha male rises.
He puts his fists onto the roof of the house and his shoulders spread. His head is slightly lowered and he leans forward, and seems to grow even bigger, as I watch him step up. His eyes are locked onto the man walking towards the female and I can see he's about to come at us.
This is the first time, in the months I've been quite close up to them and watching them, that I feel fear.
I back away and break eye contact to show I'm not a threat. I'm angry with the man who's being so brutish and unconscious. And utterly disrespectful.
It's foolish and unnecessary.
But I'm also totally in awe at how powerful and protective this alpha male baboon is over his female. And something primal stirs within me and I find myself wishing I had a male like that in my life.
Most of the men in my society aren't like that anymore.
When I turn away the man breaks his stride.
The female baboon runs up to the house, climbs the roof and sits behind her alpha male as he sits back down and continues to watch his troop. Kingly. That's how he looked. Regal.
His female cuddles up behind him and begins to groom his back while he watches over the rest of the troop.
It's endearing and sweet.
Beautiful, really.
I wish I had a male to take care of like that, who'd protect me against the men like that man who caused all that unnecessary noise.
I even go as far as to say this to the man as I walk away.
We've forgotten how to take care of each other in my society. We've forgotten who we are. Essentially. And why we maybe need to combine our respective strengths to live in unity and harmony. Successfully.
But my sudden interest in the dynamics of the troop, and the male and female interactions, will be mostly misunderstood by the people I share it with.
Maybe it will make more sense if I make notes of it here.
Someone smashed my car in the village yesterday.
Yes it was intentional.
Maybe because people have forgotten some things we may all benefit from remembering.
Nobody talks in the village either. Yet everybody knows what's going on. Pretending is safer, I guess.
I'm busy looking for a new home for the next while because I've fought this particular fight for some years now. And I know how it ends in South Africa.
And because I can't pretend anymore.
Not after all of this...
I can't afford to fix the car and it was going to be used to blog and travel with you a bit more.
But I know you will forgive the scars and dents.
Are you wondering what I did to "deserve" all of this? Ah... well that's another story. 💜
Oh... some good news! (and there's always some good)
The sample for those t-shirts I was threatening to make all those months ago finally arrived.
Yeah... I don't like the print much either. It has been redone.
But you get the idea.
Maybe I'll find the time to get the store launched after I finish the additional admin that landed on my plate at full blast sunshine 1pm in the middle of the village yesterday...
but nobody saw anything.
Incredible, huh?
No. You can't live that this, people.
Not really.
On we go 👣
As we are
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
