When I think about connection, I don't think about spark, energy, excitement or enthusiasm. I think about one thing finally feeling right with another thing. I think about people, ideas, thoughts just aligning and finally being perfectly whole. I think about the concept of peace. Connection to me just means rightness and wholeness. Connection is a sacred thing to me. It's why I'm quite wary of making new friends or forming new relationships with people. Because connection is something that can fizzle out. It's something that might have never been there in the first place.
A friend of mine faced some emotional turbulence a while back. She had just met someone new that she liked and was attracted to. She was excited to know this person and whenever they planned to meet, you could basically see the excitement on her face. Well, after some weeks, the excitement started dying down. The guy was not returning the same energy she was giving. It's just like charging a phone with the wrong charger. You sort of notice that the battery is draining further, instead of boosting. The guy rarely picked or returned calls and even when he texted, it was with lethargy. When my friend couldn't take it anymore, she decided to have a deep talk with him. And his response was that he couldn't feel the connection with her.
I think connection means different things to people. Because my friend was always excited to see this guy, she felt connected to him. But his own definition of connection was sexual intimacy. He flatly told her that since they had not had sex, he couldn't feel any connection with her. And that if they did, it would deepen the bond between them. When she told me about this, it left me wondering if he had sexual intimacy with his male friends before he could feel connection with them.
Before I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I would see people easily making friends and having a huge circle of people around them, and I would ask myself how? How do they do that? How do they just form a bond with people quickly? Don't they need to feel a connection before allowing people to just walk into their lives and own a part of them? I’m the kind of person who thinks deeply before going ahead to establish a friendship with someone. People might say that friendships seek me instead of the other way round.
I would rather be alone than have a bunch of people around me who takes friendship or relationships at face value. I'm also the kind of person who hates forcing connections or friendships. If it's not there, it's just not there. I don't like having to fight for something and I know it has been said that, “You have to fight for what you don't want to lose.” But most times, if I get an inkling that something might not work, I just let it go. For me to be with someone, there must be a form of deep bonding between us. It must be a friendship that is worth fighting for.
I am very selective of the people I connect with. That's because I'm quite protective of my mental and emotional health and connecting with the wrong people can mess with it. Toxicity and negativity is not something that should be invited into a person's life. So, how am I selective of the people I connect with? How do I know that I am creating the right bonds? For me, it's not all about the excitement or enthusiasm I feel when I'm with them. You can be excited with just about anyone. For me, it's's about the peace, the rightness of it. When I'm with them, I feel calm and whole. When i’m with them, I feel like I'm growing. I feel energized and boosted and valued. I don't feel wrong or like an outcast when I tell them that I don't drink or smoke. They don't make me feel weird when I say I don't like night parties or the idea of sex.
This is what connection means to me. The rightness and the wholeness of something.
Thanks for reading.✨
All images are mine.
