I was on the fence about sharing this one publicly. What a story.
The writing started as an attempt to share it with a classmate in the Human Design / Gene Keys course I'm taking - though it quickly became clear I'd underestimated the size it'd require; and as I'd been questioning whether to blog about the saga anyways, I did. That version ended up at 4500 words... and was too damn self-conscious to actually publish it. Though having shared it with her, she figured it might still be worth publishing to the larger audience as could be relevant - especially pertaining to the topic/nature of the SACRAL center. Taking the feedback to heart, out came a complete updated re-write. And while the self-consciousness persisted, only sharing it within the class community - some further feedback came... and it feels time to publish here.
This is a fucking vulnerable one.
Chances are, I'll end up deleting it (from the front end) later... though it is a pretty decent story, and might be a shame were a few more people not to read it.
It’s funny that after 5.5 years into my experiment, came the realization that I’ve barely even really paid much attention to the Sacral or understood much about it beyond the super oversimplified “uh huh, uh uh” response bit. And along comes an experience to crack open a few awareness - that I probably wouldn’t even have seen as such, if not for the classmate's amazing Projector feedback. And holy moley, has the experience been a doozy. Who’d have thunk there might actually be a bit more complexity than “uh -> wait for clarity -> satisfaction,” and that the emotional waves following an initial Sacral hit to something seemingly simple could be an entire rollercoaster of an inner journey. Lol.
Backtrack to the evening of August 21, Sun in 29.6 - “the gate of the Sacral saying, ‘Yes’“ - just prior to entering gate 59 of SEXUALITY…
Still a busy summer here at Revelstoke Mountain Resort, I head down, opening the door and walking out into the village… to be absolutely SIDESWIPED by a couple VERY attractive girls. In hindsight, I don’t even think I got a clear look, it was so quick and I was so jolted out of routine - not just by the looks that seemingly speaking the language of my Leo Venus, not even anything glamours but merely some stylish sweatpants emphasizing/implying just the right curves while radiating softness & warmth, but their ENERGY. And while I may have still yet to decondition from a shy reservedness that held me back from staring, I’m 98% sure one of them gave a flirtatious glance & smile suggestive that I was not the only one taking notice of this crossing of paths.
Now, there’s been ALOT of pretty girls & women coming & going throughout the summer here. My place with balcony right above the village, looking out at the gondola and steady flow of foot traffic, is a damn good perch for ‘bird watching,’ ha. But NONE have sparked a response like these two. Like, not just a slight hum of the Sacral murmuring “uh huh,” but my whole damn being drawn into that single hit of energy, as though it was the yummiest frequency its come across in YEARS and didn’t even realize how insanely I hungered for it. Holy jeezus, no joke. (OR, possibly Divine tragic comedy. 🤷♂️)
I walked for a bit, just stunned. And few minutes later as passing the hot tub (from a distance of maybe 100 feet), saw them again… getting in. OMG. I continued walking, dumbfounded what to do. I ain’t no player with mad game hitting on random girls, and the prospect of going in alone was terrifying; given the amazing conversational flow I’d had with my neighbor-friend recently and what a great group dynamics it facilitated during the margarita night, I contemplated texting him with an urgent wingman request - though held back as didn’t wanna be a bad influence when he’s married, nor be all stalker-ish as following these girls with any agendas. And since I assumed they were just on vacation and I’m not particularly looking for one-night stands, I “let it go.” Or at least physically, while my mind & emotions continued spinning as a result of this incredibly RARE Sacral activation.
Next day, I saw my neighbor-friend, told him the story, and got his consent to send a “hot tub alert” should such a situation occur again. That evening as I sat on the balcony reading, the send button got hit - as they passed AGAIN - yet half-jokingly. The Sacral response was nearly as strong, BUT the second longer look from a different vantage point brought more important info to light - I couldn’t even tell if they were 18. No matter the strength of Sacral magnetism, I’d feel like a creepy old man stalker chasing after potential high school girls, and definitely don’t care to join the pdf-file club with Drake & Jeffrey Epstein’s circle, lol. Though the Sacral was stirred up to initiate SOME response, so I went out for a walk, doing some loops for maybe an hour. On my final round back in as passing the building with pool entrance/exit, they came out; walking super slow, I quickly glanced as they passed. No eye contact, but another glimpse of their energy - the same brunette who’d flashed the flirty look the night before, with a remarkable ‘twinkle in her eye’ and radiant glow. But undoubtedly YOUNG. Even IF 18, quite energetically young/immature. (Or at least that may have been how my mind effectively rationalized discrediting the Sacral response. Ha. I very well could’ve been projecting to some degree.) Again, what to do but detach, let them be just another couple pretty girls on vacation passing through, and carry on with life. IF ONLY it were that easy, ha. No matter the logical conclusions, that Sacral response had been activated - and their energy carried on haunting my mind & emotions. Why, oh why…? 🤦♂️
The following week, I had an unrelated idea. Invite the neighbor-friend for a beer in hot tub. I’ve been in hermitude on-the-roof so long that building friendships seem foreign to me, but it seemed a logical step - and he was game. Oddly, he ended up leaving rather quickly; but I stayed. And though I’d thought the girls had just been on vacation and left, in they walked. I wasn’t even entirely sure it was them at first, though recognized that ‘twinkle in eye’ and glow of the brunette’s as it shone over brightly from the other hot tub. A twinkle & glow that no matter my cool-guy Cancerian shell buffering the rather blatant fact, they were in 98% likelihood part of the package of flirtatious looks & energy directed at ME. (If I wasn’t just delulu - a possibility y’all don’t even wanna know how deep into contemplation I’ve gone these last weeks.)
But again, I didn’t know wtf to do. No matter how much I resisted it and chose to stay in the comfort zone of distance between us, there WAS that intensely-powerful Sacral draw again. BUT logically, potentially going to hit on a couple high school girls as a 41 year old man ain’t the greatest look, and call me self-conscious if you will. Perhaps subconsciously, I heeded the wisdom of my gate 22 moon, aware of the potential for DISgrace if acting when timing incorrect. So I basked in the sweet energy of her gazes as catching & feeling them, only grazing at the faintest of eye contact so as to keep safe distance, while feeling the radiation of my own Sacral and masculine aura come alive (oh God it’s been SO long). And when timing felt correct, I bowed out. Leaving with yet more experience to neurotically ruminate on and beat myself up over as having denied the the mutual attraction and what opportunity may have been there. (It was actually only days later I really started to process & clue in to the fact she was definitely sending signals of interest, feeling like a dummy for being so ignorant/naive in the moment.)
Two nights later, I’m out for another saunter around dusk. At nearly the same spot as I saw them the second time, I spot them approaching, headed for the pool again.
Fear strikes. “Do I make eye contact? If so, how much? Will I come across as a creepy old guy? Do I say hello? Will the neurosis of how much I’ve been thinking of her/them leak through and be weird? Etc, etc.” Already having a bit of a smile on my face, feeling good about life & where I’ve been at lately, I lean into that - while reactively shelling-up, trying to conceal my inner dialogue & feelings, still unsure of their age. And as cracking just a brief glance over at her, it’s evident she’s going through SOME emotional reaction of her own to me… coming out on the surface as a surprising SCOWL. Omg.
“She caught the ‘creepy old guy’ vibe, didn’t she? OR was the intensity of the attraction I felt ACTUALLY mutual and she couldn’t help but feeling triggered into frustration over my not having responded to her signals in the hot tub…??’ Consulting a good female friend later, she deemed it likely the latter. Though still, what to do…? ‘If seeing them again, do I approach - when the scowl was the last interaction? Do I play it off as though it didn’t happen? Am I still bound to come off as a creepy old guy IF they’re actually not even 18?’ Oh God, the mind-trips.
And there was that big IF of whether I’d even see them again. BUT I DID.
Repeatedly. Same time near every night for a while, like clockwork.
Which got me questioning whether they actually lived here… which coulda meant they’re NOT high school girls. But also that it might not be wise to come on too strong, hitting on my neighbors. (Though the fantasy compounds, having thought before even arriving here how it’d be cool to have a girlfriend in the same complex.) And meanwhile, there was that whole other saga with my neighbor-friend’s wife - which instilled a bunch of doubts & anxieties about ‘scaring them away’ with too intense of an energy as approaching. Yada, yada, yada. But on the days went, and while either out for a walk and seeing them from a distance or watching them come/go from the balcony… Universe wasn’t gonna let me off the hook of confronting these MIXED Sacral responses. Some, the same as the initial whirlwind impression and as watching/feeling her looks towards me in the hot tub; others aligned with the “too young” impression - all, accompanied with the “not time yet” sense. But the damned mental-emotional rollercoaster - whether it be fully the Sacral response OR to some degree undefined-spleen not-self “holding on too long” (to what feels good but actually isn’t for ya) - was becoming nearly all-consuming. Especially after one night, some instinctual peacocking-impulse positioned myself on the balcony with standout-lights on and extra exposure - and as she spotted me while I looked down, the mutual gaze held extra long; undeniable that no matter the reasons for the scowl, her attraction was still there, and it was possible I intrigued her as much as she did I. Oh God, that look.
Then one night, a new piece of info came to light. As out for a walk and circling back, a white Honda Fit pulls up… with them in it. Not neighbors. They’d been sneaking in the whole time. Implying: potentially LOCAL high school girls. Sigh. Integrating this felt like both a rug-pull and relief - deflated with the mind’s crashing investment of time (did the 64’s Gift of IMAGINATION ever get activated during that window amidst all the shadowy CONFUSION over whether I’m delulu), though also a bit of detachment from outcomes as some of the pressure came off, as though possibilities axed that didn’t need stressing over anymore (at least LOGICALLY). Granted, I still didn’t KNOW. They coulda still be 18 or 19. And as my friend advised, it’s best I actually TALK to them to find if there’s a WHY for such a strong draw. But… TIMING. Strategy & Authority.
Of course, don’t the mind & its anxieties ever make life (more) difficult (than it needs to be) - perhaps that ‘mental pressure’ from the open crown (Emi deserves credit for bringing THAT to attention) hammering down, the WAITING excruciating at times; the unsettled anticipation of, ‘is this going to be the night I get called out and have to talk to them, only to it turn out an “uh uh,” face the storms of emotional UNclarity and same cycle again tomorrow?’ And questioning if the ‘distorted logic’ of my 4.6 Venus was just talking myself out of action, mind overriding the Sacral.
But, the day DID come where it felt correct to engage.
Two weeks after the Thursday in hot tub, I knew that was the ($2 off growlers at local craft brewery) night to head down prior to their usual arrival time and surrender to whatever flow informed instinct it was time. Sun in gate 47 of OPPRESSION - having observed both it in the “inner weakness” & “external strengths” of my own fears, distorted logic, trauma-responses, etc. over this all, and the larger forces of The Program, perhaps operating via Strategy & Authority to deny direct pursuit of what my Sacral be sayin’ YUP to. And light shone on the DOGMA shadow as forced to confront programmed ideas of what this all “means,” what action I “should” be taking, how attraction & flirtation “should” be engaged with, cultural conventions about such an age barrier, etc; along with the revealing of how I slipped into looking at astrology too rigidly - the neuroses extended to overthinking about transits and which would be “good” or “bad” to finally ACT on/within (versus throwing all that logic to the wind, leaning back on S&A). Transiting Mercury squared my natal Uranus (in 4th house, 5th whole sign) that day; and anxiety arose as reading that ‘plans would not likely go as expected.’ How true that was… though possibly, for the better/best.
When I arrived, there were already 6 people in the hot tub - and the other, closed. One couple was also drinking, and beautifully ignited a friendly group conversational flow. Sure enough, the girls came. As though almost by Divine orchestration, the group dynamic was perfect. While I could’ve stumbled and gotten horribly awkward were it just the three of us, the OBSTRUCTION to ‘my plans’ (after countless mental rehearsals of what to say) served beautifully to establish the structure & limits to keep in an organic flow. For all the dogmatic jargon of squares as “bad,” it was an eye-opener to just how damn GOOD they might actually be sometimes, serving our highest good; not without challenge to our mind/ego’s fixed agendas, but perhaps “blessings in disguise” and Divine protection.
As they joined, the energy between her & I felt CHARGED. Though aligning with the tide of social GRACE (the earth still in 22) as all the people there felt to facilitate restriction of duration & full-intensity of eye contact, I FELT that same thread of attraction that’d been present at each prior passing. Both of us ‘hiding our cards’ on the surface, but a sense of, ‘she knew I knew; I knew she knew.’ And though I’d spent hours earlier that day freshening up on flirting/dating psychology YouTube videos in preparation along with the countless mental rehearsals, there was no trying or thinking about any of that kinda stuff in the moment - rather, it was as though the Sacral response was a full-being activation, my cool, confident Leo-rising masculine waking up and purring naturally, attuned to the organic dynamics of the present and surrendering to its dance. Every trace of neurotic self-gaslighting that I might be autistic due to social awkwardnesses, gone; conversational competence & wit pulled out of me with a perfect balance of attractive assertiveness and graceful modesty, as harmonized with the energy of the group conversational flow.
Surprisingly, while I pre-judged her blonde friend based on previous distant-impressions as potentially the more immature one, it was her whose grace & beauty I found particularly striking; my Leo-AC-fire seemingly tamed each time asking a question and admiring her energy with subtle awe as she answered. Meanwhile, the smile on the brunette’s face seemed notably tense, as though holding back the nervousness with the intensity of her attraction, revealing just how young & inexperienced she must actually be - coming off almost more like a dumb grin cloaking a constipation of unfamiliar sexual tension, lol - though she did relax a bit over time. (That all said with the stipulation I could still be delusion & projecting, having completely misinterpreted.) And sure enough, eventually came the answer to the big question without it being asked: she’s under 18.
God fucking dammit.
And so begins the rant.
So “Sacral response…” could it not come to someone AT LEAST 18?? 😹
And isn’t it supposed to lead to SATISFACTION? Which, don’t get me wrong - as much of an emotional rollercoaster & mindtrip the whole 3 weeks was, it HAS been oddly satisfying in some ways - especially the times in hot tub. Yet, back here & now: anger & frustration out tha yin-yang. (Though perhaps more with the obstacles, both imagined & real, to a complete & total surrender to the Sacral response - and most, with MIND and its incessant refusal to simply chill the fuck out and “trust the process.”)
Can’t this damn genetic imperative and its Sacral response guide towards something practical… and LEGAL?? Lol. For real.
Maybe she/they were merely placed in my path to reactive this Sacral, primal, sexual side of myself that’s been repressed for so long - to provide a glimpse of what a STRONG Sacral response can feel like for future reference - and nothing more than that. Yeah, it’s reactivated alright. So fuck it, I figure why not give the dating app Hinge another shot (since got unexplainedly banned from Tinder, lol)… and within an hour, it’s clear why I quit that, with ZERO sacral responses and only discouragement & frustration instead. And there’s only been ONE other girl - a 19 year old waitress in Kelowna, who flirting with during dinner while visiting parents there may have started the reactivation - whose sparked any similar Sacral response IN YEARS.
Like, it is too much to ask for the Universe to plop down a 24-32 year old in my path who stimulates the same Sacral response?? Ya, I’ve joked about the midlife crisis and how a younger girlfriend would be fun - though couldn’t the Sacral wait a bit longer and respond to someone outta high school with a bit more life experience and at least a little closer to “equally-yolked…?”
I’ve really been loving it here in Revelstoke and the snowboarding is satisfying AF, but is my damn Leo-Venus and 6/2 “pickyness” a fvck!ng curse in this small town where there’s seemingly zero romantic prospects in a viable age range my Sacral will actually respond to? Am I just impatient? Am I doing this experiment wrong, seemingly following the Sacral response yet ending up frustrated & angry after a 3-week inner rollercoaster ride with my Sacral STILL feeling the blatant “uh huhhh” to the thought of seeing those girls again, no matter how annoying the disturbance to the begrudged ‘peace’ of my celibate hermit cave comfort-zone? 😬🤬😵💫
And/or is this whole scenario some karmic loop, with two little hints left coded in the matrix: August 21, the date I was first whirlwinded by these girls, being my wedding anniversary; and the Honda Fit the blond drives being the same car both my ex & mom drove/drive. (Who are both Jack Of Spades birth cards - it said that such can indicate karma - and fascinating one, given I’m Ace Of Spades -> BLACKJACK. Had another brief Jack Of Clubs encounter 3 years ago; would be fascinating to know if one of these girls are too.)
Oh God, oh God. Lol.
Fucking “no choice.” Do we get a CHOICE of what our Sacral responds to? Clearly not. Does following a Sacral response - even once waiting for the emotional clarity - guarantee exemption from being frustrated & annoyed with the ‘inconveniences’ of situations and mind’s persistence overthinking them? Clearly not. Ha.
And maybe, welcome to Gate 6 of CONFLICT/FRICTION and its cycle back to complete the Channel Of Mating where this saga began during gate 59 (or technically about 12 hours prior). Ha.
(And here, a week later after writing the above, the conflict continues... the class teacher loving the writing, saying it reads like Human Design meets Sex In The City meets the Ski Lodge - while my mind trips, questioning if it's more like a divine Truman-show type of "catch a pedophile episode" while having seen the girls come/go several times more since, still feeling torn between going to talk to them to unveil why there's such a strong intrigue and keeping safe distance. Then last night, as they pass and I question if it's time to go, cast an I Ching with resulting 50.6 - "Cosmic Order" - implying 'all beneficial for all involved' during good astrology and a like notification on the story in class community being an unignorable sign, head down to put the suspense to rest while nearly dissociated with fear... walking up to the front of building 2 and looking over into the pool area just as they're leaving after 15 minutes, assumedly uncomfortable with a group of loud younger guys. "Cosmic Order" indeed, albeit again results completely different than expected... action taken - yet plans thwarted, while arriving at the precise moment to see the (mis)alignment... what kind of "Divine protection" in place to pull both them & I out...? 😬🤦♂️💫)
What’s left to say??
Maybe that WHO KNOWS wtf any of this actually “means” or implies, given its the LOGICAL circuitry trying to figure shit out… and since with the nature of the ABSTRACT being none of it can be made any sense of until ‘the end,’ maybe some shit we’ll NEVER figure out since who even really knows exactly when “the end” is sometimes.
Ya, there might’ve been a few points in this saga where I could’ve concluded there was an “end,” but what if the final end is DEATH? That the activations herein are only minor preparation for some other chapter, one flowing into another without clear boundaries; what appears as one cycle not actually yet the time to look back and draw conclusions because there’s still so much more to come. Each tiny fractal experience being part of bigger ones we’ll never see the totality of until popping out of these bodies back up into the quantum mainframe where our limited brains no longer restrict awareness of the far bigger picture in which all this small stuff does make sense.
Or some shit. Aduh. 🤷♂️