Please note that no in-laws, spouses, assorted family members or annoying neighbours were harmed during the writing of this post and that the information contained within is purely for 'educational' purposes only....maybe!
Global House. Local meeting place of the Koh Samui criminal fraternity
We've just had a huge DIY superstore and builders merchant open on Koh Samui. This might not be too exciting to many, but as a keen DIYer, for me, its paradise. Welcome to 'Global House'!
I recently needed a few bits and bats so took a trip around the other side of the island to Global House. In many ways, its a taste of my old home. On any given day, the majority of customers are Westerners, struggling over the Thai propensity for mixing units of measurement and trying to work out whether they'll get away with 7/16ths when they really wanted 12mm, or making a total guess whether a gallon of paint is a US or an imperial gallon and why they still use 'quarts' which I only ever have a dim recollection of buying bottles of 'fizzy pop' in, way back in the 70's! There are also a number of subtle and not so subtle differences in the products here in Thailand compared to B&Q back home.
As I wandered this carvernous hall of home inspiration my mind began to wander somewhat. It all started when I passed the acid aisle. There on display were 5 litre, 1 gallon? containers of Hydrochloric acid, a rather dangerous liquid I'm led to believe, depending on its concentration. I stood pondering what its use could possibly be when I remembered an old favourite movie of mine, The Assassin in which Bridget Fonda's character is a government assassin. When a job goes wrong, she has to call in the cleaner, a very cool, black suited and booted Harvey Keitel who dissolves bodies in acid poured into a bath from very similar gallon containers, but did he use hydrochloric or sulphuric acid? I could really do with Hive's resident chemist @banazel at this point to fill in some gaps because as I moved along a little further, there were other acids on sale too such as Trichloroisocyanuric acid, and that sounded well dodgy to my uneducated mind with elements of cynanide, chlorine and uric acid (is that not urine?) all combining to make one body dissipating concoction from hell!
Hydrochloric Acid lined up and ready for use, and look behind! It's Victor the cleaner himself stocking up for the next job! What a coincidence!
Here is Victor in the film in a still I 'borrowed' from somewhere on the internet.
And can you believe it, I just answered my own question. Victor used Sulphuric Acid! Obviously he was in Global House buying Hydrochloric as a back-up if he ran out of the decent stuff!
As you get deeper into one of these mind meanders, it becomes more difficult to pull out of it and lists of more acids began to leech out from my high school memory banks and the question became even more pressing...
Which is the best acid for dissolving bodies?
Nitric acid ? Acetic acid? Nope, that's vinegar and I need to save that for my fish and chips. Oxalic Acid? Nope, you'd have to wrap the body up in hell of a lot of rhubarb leaves for that to work, and so it went on. A question without an answer.
As I wandered further, still pondering, my thoughts became ever darker as I began to see every product on sale as a tool of murderous criminal activity. This wasn't helped as I seemed to tune in on many of the Westerners voices only to hear Russian accents, obviously plotting a localised raid on the Samui Ukranian community and were actually buying tools of mass destruction rather than 6mm Rawl plugs to hold up a shelf.
There seemed to be three distinct sections to Global House; Murder, Robbery and Supplemental supplies that cover every eventuality that may arise so I just took some pictures to give you a few ideas if you were thinking about committing a heinous act.
A great way to murder someone without raising any suspicion, especially an elderly person....hmmmmmm....would be to give them a huge shock and bring on a heart attack so I thought perhaps, installing one of these doors might just create the required reaction if that person was of a weak, arterial dispostion. Scroll slowly, I don't want to be responsible for any of you reader's sad demise. It would only be manslaughter I guess and that's a bit like ordering a Phaal and getting a Korma...
Please be aware that this wouldn't work if the intended victim was Thai as they'd actually compliment you on your excellent taste in doors rather than keeling over clutching their chests.
A more traditional and robust approach would then be needed...
I think accidentally chopping off someones leg with the petrol garden strimmer and leaving them to bleed to death would be a quite permissible defense in a court of law and for those Brits wondering how you could possibly achieve this using a wimpish length of nylon fishing line, these are the blades we attach to our strimmers here in Thailand...
Or if you're a more traditional type, we have simpler blades...
But what if you just want to go on the rob? Can Global House help with that too?
Of course it can. I'd firstly suggest buying yourself a safe to practice on...
Admittedly, they are a bit pricey but you have to invest in yourself and good quality tools will last you a lifetime, such as these diamond tipped concrete drills for making holes in strongroom walls. If you ever got caught, 'it's a poor workman that blames his tools', so have no excuses, buy the best!
And don't forget to buy a decent drill, I'd suggest that your little Black and Decker rechargable might struggle somewhat with one these bad boys strapped to the end of it.
Taking pride in your work is also important so don't forget to clear up your rubble and leave the place as you found it. One of these shovels would be good for that as well as having dual use if you need to bury a body in the jungle.
Again, grab yourself one of those flat axe things too. Useful for cracking open skulls as well as coconuts.
There was also a fine selection of crowbars to suit every situation. The discerning and professional robber ought to have a few different sizes in his arsenal.
And if you need to paint over some concrete you've just buried a body under, Mandarin Duck Brand grey primer in 5 gallon drums would be just the ticket, and again, save the tin. It could be used later for safely and inconspicuously storing body parts or swag.
For the Christian criminals amongst you, Global House has you covered too...
Stick a few of these angels in the garden. No one would ever suspect that such a god fearing and upstanding pillar of the community and Christian could ever be capable of any acts of atrocity or wickedness, would they?....Actually they would, so I'll edit that bit out later.
And finally. Need to make good your escape? Get yourself a Longtail boat engine, strap it to the back of an inflatable kayak and you'll be away from Samui and in Malaysia in no time at all, scot free and able to enjoy the trappings of your criminal lifestyle on a budget.
And that's my rather helpful entry to the delightful @dswigle 's @marketfriday community. As one final act of altruism, I've added Global House to @pinmapple and don't forget...
If you cant do the time, don't do the crime!
Have a great weekend
@nathen007