The Psychology of Guilt

loveah 2 years ago

It's amazing how one word, 'letters' leads to another, 'guilt', then moves on to, 'shame', forwarded to, ' weight gain', 'depression', all the way to OCD.

You did thorough research on this, and it's admirable. You may not have felt any iota of guilt over your dad, because he probably didn't offer you anything other than what was written in the letter.

I think we can only feel guilty over our actions toward someone if we owe them anything. Like your father, if he had been an integral part of your life, supporting, providing, and making sure you had a comfortable or anything close to a comfortable life.

But since there was no sacrifice on his part on your behalf, your emotions write it off.

I guess this is why most people would try as much as they can to not be in people's debt or favor. And that's because they would always be obliged to return them one way or the other.

For this discussion, one would only feel guilty over severing such a relationship because the other party had done them a favor once, and instead of returning with good deeds, they did them wrong.

I don't know if I am making any sense.

agmoore 2 years ago

Hello @loveah,

It's so nice of you to stop by and read my blog.

Of course you make sense. You are referring to duty, I believe, to an obligation that comes because of a sense of duty. But if there has been a complete separation, a denial of association and duty on one side, then the other is free. When my father freed himself from obligation, he freed me.

instead of returning with good deeds, they did them wrong.

Yes, exactly. He disavowed his role as father. In doing that, he freed me from any responsibility I might have had as a daughter.

Thank you very much for that thoughtful comment. It is much appreciated.

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malos10 2 years ago

This was a really good reading for me.

it's a self-perspective thing to feel guilty about things. Sometimes we count them and others don't feel that way. We must forgive ourselves and understand that everything we do has a reason.

In my past there are many things that one would like to change, but if changing them changes my present and I don't get to be where I am now, I wouldn't like it.

even if i did something bad i accepted it and i'm in peace with it because everything has brought me to where I am now

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6 votes

agmoore 2 years ago

We must forgive ourselves and understand that everything we do has a reason.

I agree, but I also think we have to learn from the misdeeds. If we let these go too easily, they will not teach us to do differently in the future.

even if i did something bad i accepted it and i'm in peace with it because everything has brought me to where I am now

You are fortunate to feel this way. I wish I could change some things. But, there is no cosmic eraser that gets rid of past deeds. So I do my best to be a better person than I was then

Thank you very much for reading my blog and for sharing your experience, @malos10

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ctrpch 2 years ago

Thanks for a well researched piece, I looked at all your cited links, thanks once again.

agmoore 2 years ago

Thank you! There was more reading I did in preparation. For me, a blog like this is a learning experience. Thanks so much for reading and checking out those resources.

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rbalzan79 2 years ago

A very important content for everyone, at some point in our lives we feel invaded by guilt and for whatever reason, for an oversight with someone we appreciate, for not doing what is necessary to help others, in short for many things.

Personally I loved reading your extraordinary content of great contribution for everyone. Greetings.

agmoore 2 years ago

Thank you very much for reading my long blog and for your positive feedback.

we feel invaded by guilt and for whatever reason, for an oversight with someone we appreciate, for not doing what is necessary to help others, in short for many things.

You are right, it is a challenge to find a balance between taking responsibility for our deeds/misdeeds and being burdened by guilt. We all have to find a way of meeting the challenge.

Hope you have a great weekend.

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jayna 2 years ago

Wow, this is an incredible write-up, @agmoore. I'm so glad it was inspired by The Ink Well prompt. As one of your co-admins, I know how these ideas sometimes churn us up or get us thinking. They can brew in our minds. I sometimes think of four or five different approaches to any given prompt, and sometimes weeks after we publish it. The mind is a funny thing.

As for guilt, I also grew up Catholic. I won't blame Catholicism 100% for my feelings of guilt. I simply have a very strong sense of commitment to others. And I've felt a lifelong deficit in myself in that regard — as in, feeling that no matter what I do I am bound to cause harm. And have, in fact, done so. It is without intent but not without remorse.

I like the Tony Robbins suggestions for ridding ourselves of guilt. It's not a very useful emotion. I liked your weight analogies. Guilt is an emotional burden. The weight of guilt sits on our proverbial shoulders. Like Atlas, we soldier on beneath it.

One thing I sort of thought you alluded to in this article was the notion that guilt makes us human. It shows that we have heart and soul. I believe that. If you read my letters article, you'll meet Bill, a social predator and sociopath who would steal people's time. He would pull them into his weird conversational trap — attempt to assimilate their manners in some demented effort to relate to them, and not let them go, regardless of how much they tried to peel away. And he had no sense of the torment he caused them, and no guilt.

Shame is an even more useless than guilt, and is downright unhealthy. But one can almost see the utility of guilt in a world where we absolutely need to have compassion for one another and be able to walk in one another's shoes. The trick is to find a balance, I think, where guilt triggers actions — to make amends, to forgive and love ourselves, and to be more kind and thoughtful going forward.

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5 votes

agmoore 2 years ago

Thank you, @jayna, for that thoughtful response. Yes, the word prompt is interesting. It is meant to encourage us to write about one thing, but then one never knows where the mind will lead us.

I did mull this over as an essay for the Inkwell, but was never comfortable making it about 'me'. So (maybe it's a Catholic thing 😄) I took myself out of the thing.

I didn't have a chance to read your essay. There was a lot to work out here and finally (phew!) it happened.

you'll meet Bill, a social predator and sociopath who would steal people's time. He would pull them into his weird conversational trap — attempt to assimilate their manners in some demented effort to relate to them, and not let them go, regardless of how much they tried to peel away.

Wow, that sounds horrible. I really need to get over there and read it. I'm already feeling hostility toward this person.

Everything we learned (especially that stuff learned early in life) adds to what we are today. In the end though, it is our life, our responsibility. We take it all and make the best of it and ourselves.

Thanks so much for stopping by.

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6 votes

jayna 2 years ago

Everything we learned (especially that stuff learned early in life) adds to what we are today. In the end though, it is our life, our responsibility. We take it all and make the best of it and ourselves.

Yes. At the end of the day it's all about responsibility — to ourselves and those in our lives. If we suffer from unmanaged guilt, it limits the amount of energy and love we have to give others (and, I believe, leads to a bad form of narcissism). So in fact, we should feel a responsibility to those around us to deal with guilt so we can live fully!

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agmoore 2 years ago

we should feel a responsibility to those around us to deal with guilt so we can live fully!

Brilliantly true. Sometimes I think of the Hebrtew toast, L’Chaim! (To Life!). That sums it up. In the end we are here, we live and we find a way to rejoice in that.

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poshtoken 2 years ago

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stemsocial 2 years ago

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agmoore 2 years ago

Thank you very, very much, @stemsocial

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itsostylish 2 years ago

I went to an all-girls’ Catholic school until I was thirteen, I was selected for novice training; I almost became a nun. As for your father, I’m sorry to say that I hope he had an unhealthy dose of both shame and guilt (your poor family). In this world of predators, sometimes we’re lucky and we escape unscathed, but for many the pain caused by others, especially family, can be a debilitating disease that infects of hearts with malice. I’m so glad that you had the sense to give up on him. Kudos 🤗💕❤️💕🤗🤗💕❤️❤️🥰🥰🙃🪔❤️💕🤗🥰🥰🙃❤️💕🤗🥰

agmoore 2 years ago

Hello @itsostylish,

One of my cousins was a novitiate and then a nun for many years. She eventually left and got married. That religion bug gets us early, doesn't it?

As for my father: He was full of anger and hate. What he did, the way he lived, seemed to eat him up more than anyone else. In the same letter he actually said:

"The genes inherited by you through me is the only possible explanation for any intellectual attainment" I had achieved (he was referring to scholarships I won).

I can't imagine what was going on in his head, what it must have been like to be him. Fortunately, I had a devoted mother. My uncles, cousins and aunts were kind, loving and generous. So, in a way, I won the luck lottery. Imagine this: I inherited his genes and still ended up happy 😆

Thanks so much for reading my blog. I couldn't resist the prompt, knowing I had a very peculiar letter as a legacy from my father.

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stortebeker 2 years ago

What an interesting discussion! I've pondered a lot about the concept of guilt, as well as shame, just for my own self, and it's really reassuring to see that even those who seriously study these phenomena agree on the "lack of conceptual clarity...Measures of guilt do not correspond well to the definitions from which they derive".

Illustrating both feelings in simple common phrases, I would say guilt is the "Look what you've done!" admonishment, while shame is more like "What would the neighbors think?" In both cases it's an indirect way to put the individual in charge of their own punishment, a convenient way to educate them into the norms of society (if they are children) and manipulate them into compliance (in case of adults). Whether there's a difference between the two may be debatable.

Coming from a European background (I was baptized catholic too, but thanks to plenty of atheism / agnosticism in the last generations of my family, religion had little impact on my upbringing) I am very familiar with guilt. The same thing can't be said about so much shame, which seems to recall some stuffy, archaic notions held in high vregard by the petty bourgeoisie in the past centuries, and appears completely outdated in today's culture. At least in Europe! In East Asian cultures, on the other hand, it appears to me that shame is a much common tool to make people toe the line. (Not sure if the experts agree on this.)

It's quite interesting how you highlight the relationship between guilt and depression, eating disorders, and OCD that it can cause. I interpret this as an invitation for all of us to overcome our own guilt, and help each other do the same. I think it's so much easier to stop feeling bad about ourselves if the people around us show us that we don't have to beat ourselves up. I would even go as far as saying, it is an important process for a better functioning society.

What I have seen in people who overcame guilt is a heightened sense of moral and values, as they became more conscious of the things they refuse to feel bad about, while consciously making sure they don't fall off the other side of the horse into arrogance. "Yes, I know exactly what I've done. That's why I'm the one who needs to deal with it."

Those people who have overcome their feelings of shame... they tend to shine in a radiating light of exciting beauty and confidence. "The neighbors are free to think whatever they want. It's their business, and none of mine."

agmoore 2 years ago

Whether there's a difference between the two may be debatable.

I think they overlap, but for me there is a definite distinction. It's hard for me to let go of the wrong I did years ago--the hurt I caused. I try but I don't let myself off the hook too easily. Shame: that's another thing. I came of age in the 60s, which means I pretty much am free of social pressure. Shame is the ultimate social pressure :)

I love this line:

The neighbors are free to think whatever they want. It's their business, and none of mine.

As for Catholicism: I am a skeptic, in all things. So of course orthodoxy came under attack kind of early in my life. Still, I respect what my mother loved and what she taught me, so I try not to disparage those things she held dear.

I definitely agree that we cannot allow guilt to rule our lives. I just hope I don't accumulate more 😃. Try not to hurt. That's what it amounts to for me.

Thanks so much for this thoughtful comment. It's a pleasure to have my writing (and research) regarded with interest.

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stortebeker 2 years ago

Hahaha, I love this:

I came of age in the 60s, which means I pretty much am free of social pressure.

I should tell you, I came of age in Germany in the 90s. Though the 60s had a huge fascination on us, in the end my whole generation seemed to be convinced that we had surpassed the flowerpower years in terms of free love and all. (Though of course none of us could tell for sure, and our parents only smiled knowingly...)

Try not to hurt.

Absolutely! I agree 100%.

It's a pleasure to have my writing (and research) regarded with interest.

And it's my pleasure to read it. I came across your post by chance, but now I'm following, so from now on it'll be intentional.

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redheadpei 2 years ago

I had to smile when you mentioned being raised Catholic as I was too. I think the world has changed dramatically since those childhood days when an impure thought was a sin. Heck I just saw tv documentary that showed Janet Jackson’s breast in that fracas on the football half-time when Justin Timberlake torn her top. Officials and sponsors were outraged but that is mild to what goes on under the guise of show business.

I’m glad you don’t have any guilt concerning your father. There are many past situations I would have liked to have handled differently but either didn’t have the knowledge or confidence. Mainly now I TRY to be kind…doesn’t always work! 😆

With age does comes being comfortable in your own body and not trying to keep up with the demands of the herd. I can’t say I’m free of guilt or sadness but I try to remember we are here to learn lessons..sometimes the hard way.

Much appreciate you used my lil image, A.G. @agmoore. Have a wonderful week ahead. 💜

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