Dreams have been weighing on my mind a fair bit. And by that, I don't mean wizards and dark evil things chasing me down alleys (though those, too, always).
I mean life dreams. And by that, I don't mean being a motherfucking astronaut, either. Not that kind of dream, just stuff you'd imagine for yourself if you were five again. You know? Okay, maybe a 5-year-old would dream of an astronaut. But it also wouldn't occur to her (or him) to downgrade, to settle, that she might not have money for this or might not deserve that. You know?
What happens to those dreams?
I wrote recently about having a close relationship with the sea and always wanting to live by it. Well for a lot of people, unless they were born right next to it, it just stays a dream. Like I have an aunt who's always said that that's her dream. Now in her 40s, she's no closer to achieving it.
It's not that big a dream as to be unattainable. Is it?
It's just, we've developed a way of thinking that writes off such dreams as flights of fancy, nothing more. Trivial stuff not worth actual consideration because who ever gets to do what they dreamed of doing?
So we just set it aside like grown-ups and settle in with the hand we've been dealt.
Seems like a pretty shit attitude to me. Especially when dealing with tame, fairly achievable dreams. I don't think every dream you had or have for yourself deserves scorn. And consciously, if we sit down and talk about it, probably you'll agree. So then, why do we dismiss so many dreams (of childhood, teenage years, or even beyond) as wishful thinking?
When a far more helpful (and more healthy) attitude would be - okay, how do we go about realizing that dream?
For me, traveling has always been a dream. Not just the old week-long holiday, longer, going from place to place on a whim with no return ticket type of travel. And I've dedicated a fair bit of my time and energy to finding feasible ways to achieve that dream.
I don't wanna be eighty and look back and think I couldn't even achieve my achievable, feasible dreams, you know? We need to learn to separate between what's truly unachievable (or at least, realistically. Most things are achievable if you really set your sight on it) and what's just plain different.
'Cause we mix up the two. Many things we write off as undoable are actually just tricky, or would imply a big shift, change of the familiar and leap into the unknown. Which, granted, is scary. But not unachievable.
For example, I realize that at my age, much as I love dancing, the chances of becoming a ballerina with the Bolshoi Theater are fairly slim. It would be crazy to now get upset over not achieving that. It would also be a bit crazy to seriously try.
However, dreams like I always wanted to live by the beach or take a year off and travel through Europe or dedicate my life to my passion of writing or playing guitar or whatever the fuck - they're not in the same league. In that, they are doable. Hard, weird, uncomfortable, radical. But doable.
So why don't we fucking do them?
We're trapped in a society that teaches you such dreams are trite, childish and not worth pursuing. A world that tells you the best thing to do is settle into a reality that's not too terrible. But is that really all there is? More importantly, have you personally checked that's all there is?
Because unless you have, it doesn't seem to me it should be good enough that the world told you your dreams are unfeasible and stupid.
I'm averse to wistful reactions when I talk about my life. The other week, talking about a burning desire to just pack up and leave for ten years, the person I was talking to said,
I just love that freedom that you have
It rang like "You're lucky to get to do that. I, too, dream of it. But don't have the freedom".
I thought, hang on a moment. It's not my particular freedom. It's everyone's. You could have it, too, if you made different choices in your life. Maybe some sacrifices, sure. But ultimately, it is attainable.
In our society, this is a frequent response to people outside the norm. Oh you're so lucky. As if by magic the rules that they are so restricted by have not applied to me. They don't realize there's a conscious choice somewhere, to prioritize that silly, childish dream instead of whatever the world tells you to aim for.
I thought you could have the same freedom tomorrow. Tonight, even. But I could see in the person's response, in that wistfulness, that they were already resigned to keeping a dream a dream.
To, at eighty, looking back and saying:
Oh, I always would've liked to go nomad and disappear for a while, but the world never let me.
The world never will let you if you sit around waiting for it to magically happen.
I mean, it's a pretty small dream in its attainability. It's not Oh I always dreamed of colonizing Venus.
In one of those wonderful coincides the Universe cooks up, one of my favorite people here, @kesityu.fashion, wrote a post on that freedom exactly then. I take great heart in knowing there's people out there prioritizing the silly unattainable dream. (read it.)
The thing is, you could settle into a lot of lives that don't fit with your dream. And that's okay, as long as it's a conscious choice that you're happy with and that doesn't leave you with unhealthy levels of nostalgia or resentment. But a lot of people do harbor those, often from settling into the first available life path they found and never bothering to look up from that for a minute.
It's worth remembering that you only get one go at this. So it might be a good idea to start differentiating between the dreams and desires that are attainable and those that aren't.
In love, saving yourself specifically and only for Jason Momoa is probably deluded and unattainable (still I try). Holding out for someone who treats you with kindness and who wants to build a good relationship with you, however, is neither absurd nor unattainable. Which kinda begs the question, why are you still with the first asshole to look twice at you?
In matters of geography, living on a small private isle in the middle of the Caribbean might be unattainable. Securing a house somehow somewhere on the beach that allows you to swim daily and achieve a secret dream isn't.
My view is, I might not achieve what I set out to. But that doesn't matter. When I'm old, if I do get to look back, I'll be happy knowing I gave it my best shot to make my dreams (stupid or no) real. To craft for myself a life and a freedom that are meaningful to me. That will be good enough. Looking back on a life of imaginary restrictions imposed by someone else will not do.
