I admit I got a bit side-tracked from my class over in PA by this question in the chatroom.
Isn't that what we're all just dying to know about each other? What do people around me want so that they will essentially like me and desire me?
Answers for both questions were quite interesting to peruse. In the original question - what do women want in a man - the predominant answer seemed to be some variation on
A real man.
Of course, what a real man is constitutes the subject of quite heated debate in our modern day and age, but what these women seemingly meant was someone capable, strong, aggressive without being bullying or harmful. A man you can rely on, who can protect his family and gives you a sense of security seemed to be the consensus.
Other optional add-ons like fun to be around and great sex did pop up frequently, as opposed to the male section. Interestingly enough, we women have no problem saying how much we enjoy a good lay or how important it is, whereas men (at least in mixed company) are a lot more reserved on the subject.
Another huge one was kindness. The ideal man, it seems, is aggressive but also kind. And isn't that what we're really looking for? A man who can protect and offer some degree of safety while also nurturing and helping us grow our offspring?
Over in the men's answers - to the what do men want in a woman question - the favorites seemed to be: someone who gives me some degree of competition/challenge (i.e. someone who encourages you to grow), their mother (several Jungian/Freudians there), playfulness/passionate, etc. One I really liked suggested
all a man wants is a meal and a bit of respect.
It sounds patriarchal af, I know, but I don't think it was meant that way.
Respect, in particular, seems like a big one, especially today when it seems like a loaded assertion - it's very odd for a man to say he wants respect in a relationship without us automatically assuming he's some assholey wifebeater. However, it's natural and healthy for any human being to ask for the modicum of respect we all automatically deserve. The meal, also, far from being the "make me a goddamn sandwich" stereotype, I believe refers more generally to nurture. There is a lot of love in feeding someone, in making sure they eat well, and I think it's that element of care that is perceived as missing, not so much the sandwich itself.
Another recurring one for men was desire. Several said that a big thing they want in a woman is to be desired, which points to an interesting question - do men today not feel like they are desired? And is that a problem of today or going way back? I can't imagine it was appreciated in previously rigid societies for a woman to have a high sex drive and jump hubby's bones whenever they were alone, though perhaps in our modern world, where many men are stripped of traditionally masculine pursuits and outlets, the two combine to create disastrous results.
If Joe can't feel "like a man" outside the home (since most jobs/hobbies have been scrubbed clean of that innate manliness that was for so long a vital part of our culture), and he can't feel "like a man" inside the home (no longer needed by his partner, or able to attract and satisfy her), is Joe really a man at all?
It's not necessarily me asking, I'm just trying to follow the train of thought, as this quality of "desire" kept cropping up in men's answers.
I want to be wanted.
At the end of the day, that could easily sum up answers for both genders. When all is said and done, we all just desperately want to know we're desired. That someone else needs us in their lives. Which points, beyond a "gender war" to a frightening disconnect from our fellow human beings on this Earth. We seem less and less sure that other people want or need us, and when those things are taken from us, it's only a matter of time until life itself loses all meaning.
What do women want in a man? Jason Momoa. Hm. At the risk of repetition. Someone who wants me. Someone who will make a good father to my kids regardless of where he is with me. Good sex. Can face outward when I must face inward. Loyal. Big time, someone willing to protect his clan under tyranny. That's my two cents' worth, at least.
Ultimately, if you summed up what either gender in the chat wanted, it didn't sound too extravagant. A kind, assertive, protective man. A loving, loyal woman to grow alongside. I feel both genders have this feeling that what we want isn't, at its core, that big a deal. So then, why are more and more people on either side of the barricade sexually and emotionally malcontent in our brave new world?
What do you want in a man/woman?
