Ah, 15 years ago.
Young love. If I could compare my wife and I back then I would say it was like skipping through a field of fresh daisy’s with not a care in the world. Life was so much easier back then with way less responsibility. We had the world at out fingertips, not a care in the world, we could just get up and decide to go on holiday half-way across the world if we so wished. Life was carefree and easy.
When we decided to get Married it wasn’t long into our relationship. I think I proposed to her 6 months in and we were married within a year. It was quick, but realistically we knew. I mean by two months in on the relationship we were bending over in the bathroom checking spots on our bum cheeks to see if everything looked hunky-dory.
Marriage was a dream to me. There’s a lot of fluff on the interwebz that tells you a man should level up his financial game before he snags his woman, but for me I was always on the search for a partner at the expense of my financial gain. Sometimes I would miss out on work events to go out with my friends for a chance to mingle with the ladies. All I ever wanted was a wife and a kid or two, and that’s it, that’s all. I never cared for grand riches. I was always focused and determined of course, but this was secondary.
Marriage is tough
One thing that never occurred to me is how tough marriage was actually going to be. The skipping through the field of daisy’s is awesome but eventually there’s going to come a point where that gets tiring and boring and very samey. Entering the point where we started to slip into our natural selves was strange. We no longer felt the flutter in the pit of our bellies when we saw each other anymore; we had progressed into a different stage in our relationship where we became comfortable and relaxed with each other. I can see why couples fall apart at exactly this point. When the fluff fades away you’re going to have to have something that interests and excites you both to keep you going right?
That’s when the normality sets in and if you’re not careful resentment. I’ve seen way too many couples (and friends) complain to me that their partner will do x, y, and z, and it irritates the hell out of them. My wife for example, I remember her telling me early on in her marriage that me leaving my pants on the floor in the bedroom is no longer cute for her so pick them the hell up. That’s when the work begins. The real work. You have to make balances and allowances to fit in with each other.
Marriage is Sacrifice
Soooo many people I’ve heard tell me the same thing.
“If you don’t like me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best”
I hate this phrase because it sounds like a child wrote it, or someone that has had 20 failed relationships and hasn’t learned a damn thing from any of it.
If you’re not going to try and change, or see change as a failure then you may as well give up now. Change is a good thing, everyone changes at some point as we experience new things in the world.
One thing that big-time happened with me is that I started to see my wife’s perspective in things. I had been single for most of my life and was used to seeing and doing everything the way that I wanted but now there was someone else in my dynamic heading in the same direction that I was. This was a tough adjustment, as it is for most people I think. To accommodate another person in your life — especially if you love them then you’re going to want to make them as happy as they can be. That can often mean giving up things for your partner that you wouldn’t necessarily give up were she not there.
Think of it this way. If you’re doing something, and she doesn’t like it, then why are you still doing it? Obviously there’s a bit of push and shove here, for example bending over too much to her wishes or her demanding that you change entirely who you are to fit in with her is probably not that great. There are certain things though, that you can weigh up in your mind whether you really need them in your life. Sometimes it’s okay to give up a few things for her happiness. You’ll find out she does the same for you.
I often get called a wet rag for this, but regardless, it’s still netted me 15 years of happy marriage with a woman I really love. So if that means I’m a wet rag, then so be it.
Men get Softer
I really didn’t account for this because I’ve always been like a bit of a loose canon, a live wire, a bit of a wild child when it came to life, and I was always out there testing my boundaries seeing how far I could push the limits. What really surprised me was how soft and caring I would become. If you’re lucky enough to become a father — which you probably will do after 15 years of Marriage, then you’ll realise that you are no longer throwing caution to the wind and running around care free. You become the watchful disagreeing father figure that watches your kids every move. The wilder your life was in your youth then I expect the more cautious of a parent you’ll be.
To be clear I was climbing trees, swimming in lakes with all my clothes on, and running around terrorising the locals — and if I even sniffed that my kid was doing any of this I’d descend on him like a tonne of bricks. This is probably why I never told my parents any of it either, hah.
It’s a process we all go through; we become less fearful of what others say and think, and more cautious and thoughtful. Like for instance I no longer jump in head first into reckless opportunities anymore and that’s what a lifetime of getting myself in hot water through doing that has taught me. You essentially become your parents, which is a horrifying thought.
All in All
Marriage will change you in ways that you never thought possible. Lean into the change and go with the flow. It’s a good thing if you both are constantly moulding yourselves to create a better experience and relationship for each other.
Freshly pressed on my blog here: https://www.theloyalhusband.com/3-things-that-i-wish-i-knew-about-marriage-15-years-ago/