It's no secret to anyone that men are the worst listeners in the animal kingdom. Ask any taken woman and she can recount a myriad of recent instances when her partner was just paying her lip service and not really listening to what she was saying. In fact this one of the top reasons as to why Marriages break down and fall apart.
Men not listening is a biological thing, though. Unlike women we can only pay attention to one thing at a time, so if we are doing something else -- like for example in our household it's always my wife trying to tell me things as I am working away hard on here, then I can't focus on both at the same time. It's either do my work or sit and listen to my wife. I have deadlines too you know!
That doesn't mean that because it's biological then I should just let it be and carry on as I am. Just because it is, doesn't make it right.
This is what I fear a lot of men get wrong in their relationships. It feels right, so they'll just go on and do it and not try and understand why their partner is getting angry. This however is probably not the best route to take.
A lot of gen x'ers (1980's) will have grown up hearing their mums complain about their dads not listening but just tolerating it. A lot of that tolerance comes from what I mentioned in this post about it being hard to break up and tolerance being higher. This has confused a lot of lads my age and younger when their partners just simply have a much lower tolerance for this type of behaviour. It's because of the options they have now as opposed to 40 years ago.
Breaking up is no longer a life of destitution and a life of social shame, in some instances it's revered.
In essence the stakes are actually higher to get a relationship right now than what it was for your mum or dad. This is why listening in a relationship is really important.
For women, sitting down and listening to what she has to say is very important. She is always attentive to you, right? I can't count how many times I've heard a woman say, "He just doesn't listen" and be bitterly angry about it.
So here are my golden rules for listening more and making her a lot more happy.
Stop what you're doing.
I am guilty of this myself and my wife hates it with a passion. Somehow I will in my strange male brain think I will be able to work, or do whatever I am doing and also think that I can hold a conversation with her at the same time. This only results in her getting upset that I'm giving her one word answers.
One thing I've learned through my 15 years of marriage is that most of the time it's better to just stop what you are doing and listen to her. You'll take it all in, she'll feel listened to, and it'll be less problems for you later on in the day when she's trying to talk to you about the same things she was earlier. She'll love you more for it.
Learn to Read Between the Lines
Listening to her could also be little prompts for the future. For example if she's telling you that she's cold then go and fetch her coat. I mean that's a basic example, reading between the lines is usually way more complex than that. If my wife is telling me that she's feeling tired I usually send her to relax as I finish up what she was doing, or if she's telling me that something makes her feel uncomfortable then we'll just not do it or take part in it again.
It's simple really. Learn to understand what's not said and it will go a long way in your relationship.
Take Criticism on the Chin
More than one woman has told me in the past that their partner doesn't take criticism well. Asking him to be more mindful and thoughtful of her feelings is usually met with heated arguments. I'll admit, I have been the same in the past. What changed it for me was putting me ego aside and sitting down and listening to what she had to say regardless of how I feel.
In my mind this is her extending an olive branch to you, and opportunity to change what you're doing and do it another way, get better, level up, do better for her. I'm one to take it on board now and see how I can improvise my behaviour in the future for her.
A woman that's close to giving up, or has given up won't get angry at you anymore. Start worrying then.
Learn about real submission
A lot of men get lost in the idea that it's her responsibility to be subservient to him. A woman that loves you, no matter how aggressively masculine she is will turn and submit to the man she loves. That could be a jacked up meat head with roid rage, or a little cute guy who gives her flowers every day. It doesn't matter, if she loves him she will submit, but that doesn't mean that she'll turn into a doormat that will let you do whatever you want and she'll just say yes to everything you say. She's still a human being with thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears and dreams. She'll hurt if you ignore her or treat her badly.
She should be a blessing in your life, treat her that way by taking care of what she tells you.
A Relationship is Two People
All in all if she's telling you that something isn't right then that should be cause for you to sit upright and listen, even if it's something like she's cold and may need a blanket. She's not just there to serve your needs.
This is purely bidirectional though, because on the whole women tend to be better listeners than men. That's why they litter the fields of any trades that require a great deal of listening and empathy. So if you're listening to her and making her happy, then she's going to be listening to you lots too.
That's the theory anyway.
Freshly pressed on my blog here: https://www.theloyalhusband.com/level-up-your-marriage-by-getting-better-at-listening/