Totally Or Totally Not

in #outofthinair8 months ago

Full Disclosure:

I don't announce partially finished or half complete disclosures: I do not tell shitty jokes.


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I take shit seriously.

I've rearranged this sentence more than I'd like to admit and there's really no easy way to say it so I'll just say it.

I can't count.

How many times I've been told something to the affect they don't know if I'm being serious. "I don't understand you," end quote. Just the other day I was told that.

Reminds me of the time I said I don't mean to be so cryptic because, well, you see, what I mean by that is, I don't mean to be so cryptic so addressed it shall be, happen before it is not. It's in the fine print.

The remainder of today's performance because that's what this is, today's, will be preceded by instructions. You won't be subjected to another set of paragraphs without first knowing exactly what they represent—totally or totally not bullshit. Like a road map only different.


Totally not bullshit:

Every time you instinctually react toward the car or big truck that revved their engine at the signal light or parking garage and it took precedence over every thought you were thinking because it's loud as fuck and now they're stomping the gas pedal over and over and over again all VRM VRRRMMM VVRMM VRM VRRRRRMMMMMM it's NEVER a hot chick.

Because it's not, get it? That's how totally or totally not bullshit works. Never has the bright orange Mustang that burned out across the parking lot had a hot chick driving. They don't do that. They don't throttle Harley's or crotch rockets, either. They don't even ride with dudes who do that. Let's try another one.


Totally bullshit:

See? That means what you're about to read is fiction—didn't really happen, ready?

I walked into the toilet the other day at the gym which might seem kinda odd to anyone tuned in who calls a toilet a bathroom and has never been to Europe or England because they don't call toilets bathrooms there. They call them toilets there. I had to do some improv detective work once when we were in Greece and I asked where to dump the mop bucket and they said 'in the toilet.'

The toilet?!

It'll overflow, I thought. I don't know how big the toilet is but that mop bucket was full; at least five gallons of nasty water needs dumped. What's a toilet bowl hold, one, maybe two gallons?? But, when in roam or however the saying goes so, to the bathroom goes me where I'll dump all five gallons down the toilet.

I walked in and was met by a shower drain in the center of the floor. There's a toilet in the corner of the room and other common home improvement options; mirror, light, sink...

Shit like that.

The shower drain is an instant reminder they call bathrooms toilets and didn't mean dump the bucket water in the toilet-toilet. They meant dump it in the bathroom-toilet.

I did.

So, anyway, I walked into the toilet at the gym the other day. There's two stall doors, one's closed shut. There's gaps in the stall where the door meets the walls. Look, I'm not the only one who glances at the crack to make sure someone's actually using the toilet-toilet and it's not just a door held shut by gravity.

Someone's using it.

I used the adjacent toilet—#1. Proceeded to the sink to wash my hands when the stall door that was closed next to me opened and a gentlemen exited the toilet-toilet. He works there.

(Gym)

Bright red shirt
.

STAFF, it says, in capital white letters across the back—can't miss it.

Walked right past me.

Avoided the sinks and continued out the toilet toward a tote tray full of cleaning supplies laying on the ground next to a mop.

Must be cleaning the toilets..

He'll clean his hands with those cleaning supplies, I thought, that's why he skipped the sink after #2.

𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓮𝓷𝓭. He went to the tote, cleaned his hands with a towelette thing, put on gloves and continued cleaning the toilets.

No.

Totally bullshit, remember? I don't tell shitty jokes, either. I already said all this.

What really happened was, he walked out the toilet. I finished washing my hands around the same time he.. finished what he was doing. We exited the toilet together where he promptly returned to the front desk, situated himself at the keyboard and proceeded to assist the next guest like he didn't just completely blow up the bathroom and didn't wash his hands get it? It's in the fine print.

Non-fiction. The remainder of today's viewing pleasure because that's what this is, today's, will consist of totally not bullshit only. This concludes the fine print.


And now, we return you to our regular scheduled program in progress—Vibes, where I've been hangin out the past couple weeks instead of war and puff daddy and inflation.

Not once has it sucked.

Like this dude, @infernal-beatbox. Been on Hive less than six months but beat boxes as good as anyone I've heard. Toward the end of the clip, he's holding what's likely a vape pen in his hand but if it's not and, what he's holding is an inhaler whilst beat boxing, that's only the coolest brand ever.

Squid Game Cover Beatbox | Vibes Web3 Music Competition Week 7


Or this duet, @ciskodisco.opus. I just listened again—not sure how many times I've done that. Tough to watch just once. They joined Hive last month and have been releasing music since.

Vibes Web 3 Music Competition Week 7 _ Somewhere Only We Know - Keane ( Cover )


One more. Enter your favorite cliche for this dude, @sidkingsley. He just joined Hive this month. First post is the following cover of These Days by Jackson Browne. Watch, he'll introduce himself and announce Vibes and whatever else he says but when he starts singing.. You didn't expect that.

VIBES WEB3 MUSIC COMPETITION Week number 7!>


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HEY @dandays, how the hell are you? Miss ya. We have been so busy with our family, all good stuff that makes me smile when they leave the farm. We are so lucky but the bumps in life still come. I tell myself it's all gonna be fine and most times it is. But I am a worry wart and some days I cry. I miss my sister and my mom, I hope my hubby lives to 100, and you will still be his hive brother.
Much love to you and pura.

I can do the brother part. Deal. Gonna be a helluva ride.

Good morning farm-mom. However long we've been doing this you've never veered off family, family, family.

They're luck to have you. Thanks for stopping by and always being you. National holiday today, eh?

Nice to hear back from you. Yes, I guess I can bore a lot of people, but my life has always revolved around family. I came from a big family and grew up happy. That's always been my focus, to make others happy.

National holiday? what, TGIF HEHE

Yoouu knooww.

You're probably celebrating right now. When I was punching keys this a.m, the clock & date in the lower right corner said the same thing both ways: 4/20/2024

You for real😂

....Totally not.

Wow... Thank you so much for the Mention @dandays . Appreciate all the love and support were getting from the community . 😊❤️🙏

You're most welcome. It's my pleasure. Welcome to Hive, joint wasn't the same without you.

Glad to be here . Its been only a month since i joined . Already Loving it here 😊 .

Lol. You tell the best jokes, Dandays.
And this is me totally non-bullshiting you.

I appreciate that more than this sentence says. Without the body language and hand gestures and stuff, jokes are challenging. I'm a nervous wreck every time that post button comes around—totally not bullshit.

Thank you. <3

A matter of upbringing.

!LOLZ
!LUV
!PIZZA

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Three men walk into a bar.
You would think at least one of them would have seen it.

Credit: hhayweaver
@dandays, I sent you an $LOLZ on behalf of eii

(1/10)

PLAY & EARN $DOOM

Hey what's up eii. Cheers to that.

PIZZA!

$PIZZA slices delivered:
@eii(1/10) tipped @dandays

It is off putting when you see someone exiting a stall of a public toilet and walk right past the sinks. I saw two people do that at the airport a little while back and was I was taken aback a little lol

You and me both. I may or may not wash my hands after.... #1 depending on timing and stuff like that but I'll never... #1 with dirty hands. I wash my hands before rather than after more often than not if that makes sense.

#2 though dude.. No. That's just wrong. Do it in front of me and I'll talk shit on the internet. = }

Yeah at least pretend for everyone else's sake lol

Dammit, your title had me totally expecting eclipse jokes.

I had a good one all set up for you but it got blocked out.

Yeah, they can be kind of shady sometimes.

Everything was lined up perfectly, too. Years in advance.

Not washing hands after using the toilet is something that bothers me. There is a surprising amount of people who do not do it now and days. It speaks to the lack of accountability and respect that western societies are experiencing.

Or maybe people just honestly do not know that is a thing when the parents are too busy working 2 jobs 7 days a week....

They actually got views on that shit! I keep thinking of the perfect app no one's heard of yet, one that'll pertain to both toddlers as well as seniors—the everything app!!

Need to stop thinking, iGuess. Talk more shit. Stop/think + shit/more = more views—got it!

Always a pleasure man. Say hello to Oregon for me.

You might try creating an insta or fauxbook if you wanna trend... Tho it seems cat videos are more family friendly and as entertaining as Diddy dirt...

But there are wholesome videos outside of cats on big box socials...

https://youtube.com/shorts/uaA0G0IZvUM?si=32CJxVkvYnr_g-RG

I've almost gone there a couple times but it's always the same half buck. Almost a dollar, two quarters, everywhere like 50 cent.

Congratulations @dandays! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain And have been rewarded with New badge(s)

You distributed more than 220000 upvotes.
Your next target is to reach 230000 upvotes.

You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word STOP

I don't know much about land development but that's a lot.

Indeed, @dandays, it's quite a significant number! It's great to see your active participation. Keep up the good work!

Appreciate that. Right back atcha. Thanks for filing away all our milestones.

Ok so I was here earlier (as you may have seen by the tag lol) but then I got sidetracked and before I knew it, I left comments at all these recommended VIBE entries you shared (thanks for the reminder to check that out!) but I totally forgot about you.

Here I am anyway, wishing you an amazing weekend..

PS that header image makes me think about our home town in Holland where they thought it was a good idea to put these poles in the centre. Many cars that weren't familiar with the area ended up that way. Pretty shitty if you ask me.

But the fact that this one is a Specsavers car "book an eye test today" that's just hilarious :)

!PIMP this post and !LUV from me :)


You must be killin' it out here!
@thisismylife just slapped you with 1.000 PIMP, @dandays.
You earned 1.000 PIMP for the strong hand.
They're getting a workout and slapped 1/4 possible people today.

pimp_logo


Read about some PIMP Shit or Look for the PIMP District

dandays, thisismylife sent you LUV. 🙂 (1/10) tools | trade | connect | wiki | daily

Made with LUV by crrdlx.

I did. = } It's ok, please don't worry about forgetting about dropping a line. I know you pass through. Means a lot. Thank you.

When curations I do gain traction, I swear I get more excited about that than my own stuff. Since I posted this, I've kept an eye on those artists. Love seeing the extra attention they're receiving.

@infernal-beatbox is dope huh? I thought about mentioning be wary of voting but meh! Couldn't find the relevance.

Helluva ad cover image eh.

You're welcome <3

I listened to them all and yes, he's dope! I was too late voting anyways lol..

!PIMP


You must be killin' it out here!
@thisismylife just slapped you with 1.000 PIMP, @dandays.
You earned 1.000 PIMP for the strong hand.
They're getting a workout and slapped 1/4 possible people today.

pimp_logo


Read about some PIMP Shit or Look for the PIMP District

That Specsavers van picture is the epitome of irony!! Love it

Whaddup Sunsethunter. Stay tuned dude I'm working on one of OJ Simpson and the pearly gates.

I do not tell shitty jokes.

Can you please tell me a toilet-toilet joke, though?

And wtf happened to that van? Are those those security pipe things that shoot up out of the ground? Those-those. Toilet-toilet.

Maybe that guy was doing coke in the stall and flushed to cover the snorting sounds. I feel like that would be even more gross than not washing your hands after doing your duty or handling your security pipe.

One time when me and buddy Philip were little kids like 8 or 9 probably, his dad ran in the room and all excited and amped, "go see the spider I just killed!!!! It's in the toilet!" (toilet-toilet)

We ran to the bathroom-toilet to see the.. spider.

It wasn't a spider.


It's an eye exam advert. I take shit seriously, remember?


I shoulda known. Southerners.. They took you'll drop your drawls for dope to a new level.

I'll have to remember that spider trick next time I get stuck with a bunch of kids.

haha sometime things go wrong

I'm still waiting for right. The best I got is only slightly better than last time.

Totally! or Not? I donno. I simply liked your writeup!

That dude...Uhm... What about the times, the millions of years we didn't have a toilet, not even a toilet-toilet? And the water wasn't easy at our disposal? Ah true, that was then, this is now. Then: all good. Today: a bit of germs is jikes. Did I mean to write this? Is this my opinion? Or the inverse is my real standpoint? Perhaps ... Perhaps Not.

The car... Your? An acquaintance lost his taxi by such a pole. Car (Mercedes): total loss. He: totally broke because of that.

Hey what's up edje, haven't seen you since Mardi Gras—totally bullshit!

What's man? I don't think we've met yet, you're too clever for that, thanks for finding me now—totally not bullshit!

Negative. They were already parked there so I parked on the ceiling across the street.

😆

Your username isn't too unfamiliar, but I don't think we ever interacted. Always a first for everything 🙃🎶

I parked on the ceiling across the street

😆

What do you mean by that ?

😂

The eclipse. Did you miss it?!

There was an eclipse?

According to @coloneljethro but I'm still not convinced he doesn't photoshop all his shit.

Oh yeah, people will do that. 😄

Hey we're gonna be at Kure Beach at the end of this month and beginning of next. Two weeks. The Baby's never seen the beach, either, so we're looking forward to it.

Oh, and!! I haven't tuned in to Israel or Ukraine or Myanmar now for like three days and the world hasn't stopped spinning or anything!

And it's not raining right now but that could change any second.

It's still not.

The baby is going to love the beach !

What you don't know won't hurt you ! .... well.... most of the times. :)

It is sunny here and I am not missing a minute appreciating it. I know rain is predicted late afternoon. I could appreciate some sunny skies if they would just stay that way for most of the day. I am solar powered afterall.

When we first got here about a year and a half ago now I was waiting to get my hair did at whatever place that was. An older dude walked in and commented on the rain, cashier said something to the affect, "still raining huh?" He counted to 10.. 1, 2, 3.....10 looked outside and said, "usually stops by the time you get to 10."

I so f'ing LoL'd. Not just an lol you do outta acknowledgment, either, I mean a real one.

Stop your paranoia!

Great, a stalker.