I haven't felt inspired to write in a while and I've been occupying most of my time disappearing into work. This past week I found some inspiration to write again and it ultimately led to a lot of meditation and self reflection about my own intentions. I adopted radical honesty almost 5 years and 2 months ago by sharing my journey on STEEM and perhaps I need to get back to that. We never stop growing and evolving after all.
At some point along the way I got to a place where I'm finally comfortable with myself and can actively see that I'm perpetually becoming more of the person I want to be. The transformation has been so complete that I often struggle to put myself into the mindset of the person I was before. It's been quite a journey from that asshole loner screaming at kids on Counter Strike every day while contemplating suicide and hating my life and feeling like everything was meaningless to becoming a compassionate and caring, self-aware individual that enjoys bringing kindness and empathy into the world, but hey if I can do it anyone can.
One thing I learned along the way is to appreciate people for who they are and to let go of a lot of my expectations and assumptions about the world and others. On the whole I feel that was a positive change and most-likely a reflection of how I ultimately feel about myself. Are there things I'd still like to change and work through? Sure, anyone that says they're perfect is just fooling themselves. We're all constantly growing and evolving and in my opinion the only real failure in life is when we stop learning and growing and trying.
So where is all of this going and how does it relate to intentions? I suppose that's a good question. Somewhere along the way I got so comfortable focusing on myself and my life that I stopped involving the external in my intentions. Part of this is related to surrendering to the universe and accepting that I don't control things, but I think a lot of it relates to my beliefs on autonomy and not wanting to burden others with my own wants and desires. I had to spend a good while meditating on this idea this week as it felt there was something there to learn.
One thing I had to accept is that while I can be whole alone, it doesn't remove the desire to share the journey. That one quote keeps coming to mind: "If you want to go fast go alone, if you want to go far go together." I remember writing a while back that happiness only really exists when it's shared. Perhaps somewhere along the way I got too comfortable with contentment and stopped appreciating happiness when it reveals itself.
I had to do a lot of meditating on what it is I actually want out of life this week as I feel like on some level I've been neglecting setting any intentions in that area and focusing more on finding peace in the now. All things with balance I suppose. As I reflect on why I started this journey in the first place, it's hard to overlook the glaring fact that I did so because I wanted to be someone worth being around. If I couldn't even stand myself why should anyone else be able to put up with my shit?
With reflection comes clarity. I've always known what I wanted and in retrospect this has always been the path to that destination, wherever it may be. The pursuit of a life partner to share the journey with is clearly more important to me than I've realized as of late, but I'm working on setting intentions and being receptive to what the universe has in store in that department. Where will the journey lead? Where's the destination? Does it really matter? We all get to where we need to be when we need to be there. Much love. Peace.
