The mist of uncertainty keeps thickening, the anxiety of what the unknown begets keeps growing, the fear of the worst creeping deeper and deeper with every passing second. It is stunning, not in a good way. It is paralyzing, halting what would otherwise be "a normal life". Dreams, aspirations, ambitions, desires, all feel like a fragile feather headed towards a roller crusher.
Either the feather will get completely disintegrated in the crusher and turn into dust, or a small gust of wind in the shape of hope will push it away onto a soft bed of grass.
Afeef and Suadi bid their goodbyes yesterday. The look of terror in their eyes was obvious. They and I lived through the 2014 revolution together. It wasn't very bad in our city. There were, however, a few days when I lived on one sandwich a day and boiled tap water to drink. A few days when aisles in the markets were empty, and the ATMs didn't have cash. I tried saving every last penny in case things turned really sour.
But this time, I fear things could turn really ugly. If there is no de-escalation then the repercussions will be unimaginably severe. For both civilians like myself living near the border, and maybe the entire world. I am not even sure if I'll get the chance to use the savings I have.
What could I say? I wished Afeef and Suadi good luck and a safe flight. Embassies all around the country have started advising their citizens to leave. $2200 a pop. That's what they paid for a single ticket. I heard a few flights to certain countries in Africa have reached $3000 a pop. Flights to UAE are very few, mostly business class tickets are available and they are over $2000 a pop.
Flights are closing down right and left. When the first news of a flight coming into Ukraine being canceled emerged, I knew what was going to happen. A domino effect of more and more flights canceling or avoiding Ukrainian airspace, closely followed by a small number of flights agreeing to work but with very steep ticket prices. That is exactly what is happening. Insurance companies are looking the other way, too.
However, this has not taken full effect yet. I am closely monitoring the airport situations and looks like many airlines have still kept up with regular schedules. Yes, tickets to and from certain countries have either become limited or very expensive.
There are a few foreigners here that look up to me. Their parents reach out to me for every small help. I am a sort of guardian to them here. I myself do not know what should my next step be, and giving someone else advice, especially to whom I am a guardian, is terrifyingly burdening. I told each one of them to leave if they can afford it. They don't have anything to lose if everything here turns to dust. Better safe than sorry, I guess.
Have I thought about leaving? Of course! Who wouldn't? Maybe except the locals, everyone has it in mind. But it isn't that simple. Sometimes the things you want don't align with things that can happen. I am both free and stuck, at the same time. I have lots to lose. Actually, every single thing. Career, possessions, future. Everything that I have built from scratch, from the ground up, myself.
It is a constant state of back and forth inside my head. I spoke to Dr. Anna yesterday. She is my greatest mentor and an unlikely friend. Her words resonate with the feelings of the locals, here. For one, they are very adamant about nothing happening. Time and time again they repeat that they have never seen violence and that is not what the people are about. Bloodshed is out of the equation, completely. Another striking point she brought up was the insane prices of tickets. Was it better to save that money, or spend it only for nothing to happen?
What a conundrum.
Meanwhile, life inside the county isn't getting easier. The prices of groceries and essential items are rising slowly but very steadily. I am assuming that this will continue. It is to be expected, yes? Since my chances of leaving the country are slim, I am stocking up food reserves. I bought a few canned beans, corn, fish, and meat. I have stockpiled crackers and biscuits. A few packs of rice and a bag of flour. Next in line is buying nuts and dark chocolate.
There was a small gust of wind that pushed the feather a little away from the crusher. News emerged that some troops were being pulled away. That gust of wind was nothing but a hallucination. Thing is, no one trusts the other side. The news came with a lot of skepticism. There was almost nobody in my circle, including myself, that believed the news. And what do you know? New information suggests that there was no pullback but rather an increment in strengths. Et Voila. As expected, huh?
The worst part is that coming across armored vehicles and armed forces in the streets is becoming common. I do not understand what does this helps achieve. If anything, it only creates more panic. In the last couple of days, I have seen armed personnel in full gear and armored vehicles at least 3 to 4 times. They are out there, in public! What is that all about?
I have spent a lot of time in fear now. I believe many have. But there is just so much a person can take. It is enough. Put a fork in it. Tired of feeling like this. I do not agree to live paralyzed in fear and anxiety anymore. Was muss passiern weird passiern. Theres no use pointing fingers. No matter who benefits from all the politics and trickery involved, we the people, looking to just live, are going to get the short end of the stick.
So I've gone back to living like normal. Yes, there's nothing normal about the entire situation, btt I'm at least encompassing myself in an illusion of normal. I go to work, treat my patients, go snowboarding, go for walks, meet friends, work on my personal projects, lay on the couch with a fat bowl of buttered popcorn and watch a corny movie, curse the winter cold, wait for spring, laugh at memes, talk to my family, buy high sell low. Anything and everything that was normal for me. I am doing it now, and I will continue doing it. As a matter of fact I've done more in this period, since the sense of doom has acted as a catalyst to live my life to the fullest. I find all the memes and critics about this situation highly entertaining. People that have never seen war or even threatened by it having strong opinions, memes ridiculing the parties involved, and kids in the west talking about communism being the best thing in the world. Top notch hilarious stuff.
Is the threat real? Very. Has been for many years now. This is not something new. This has happened many times with very real consequences. Only this time there is outside involvement. So what else am I going to do except make the most of it and love life. I should be happy with how I live, right? So if my back is against the wall, let it be, I am painting a mural of a giant middle finger on it.
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