I got to tune into a recent episode of Modern Wisdom today, a discussion between Chris Wiliamson and comedian Whitney Cummings. Now, I don't know Whitney's comedy, I've only heard her on podcasts, but based on that, I think she's a very smart woman. This one was called something like "When did everyone get so fragile?".
And it came up with an interesting point. Namely that, in a modern effort to continuously improve ourselves, we're actually weakening ourselves. How? Obviously, it's not a general rule that says stop trying to improve your life, rather that by trying to tackle so many things (fitness, career, finance, relationships, diet, etc.), we create a lot of little "I'm okay" rituals that can easily spiral out of control.
It's not that the 5-minute meditation is bad per se. It's great. It's just when you start thinking along the lines of "I can't get through the day if I don't do my 5-minute meditation" (and the workout. And the 5 a day. And the yoga practice. And the podcast. And the... and the...) that you're actually making yourself more fragile. Makes sense. The more rituals your okay-ness depends on, the less okay you are. I could definitely relate, as trying to run several races at the same time has always been a dangerous pattern for me.
My day is okay. But only if I check off X items on the list, among which often fitness and yoga routines, diet, walks to get that precious sunlight, productivity markers, etc. Stripping each of these activities of their individual value and turning them into checkboxes to keep my life on track.
Literally oggling myself. Went jeans shopping while I listened to the podcast.
We're making ourselves fragile. This Whitney lady went on to explain how refreshing motherhood has been for her (she recently gave birth to her first child), saying that finally, she can't devote so much attention to herself - what she's achieving, what she looks like, what people think of her, etc.
Obviously, when you have a baby, most of your focus needs to be on said baby. She argued, furthermore, that human beings aren't really meant to keep optimizing at such a relentless pace as our current ego-centric society encourages. That we might all actually be better served if we devoted more time and care to somebody else. Not necessarily a child, just something external to ourselves.
It reminded me of something I recently heard Rogan say. Talking about the increased anxiety in young girls today, he mentioned a study that said human beings aren't actually designed to spend so much staring at themselves in the mirror and focusing on how they look. It's unnatural and anxiety-inducing. Rogan's conversation was specifically about social media filters, unrealistic body expectations, etc. But maybe it's true in a larger sense in that we're being duped, at least a little, by these aggressive self-improvement gurus. Be the best version of you. Except it's often a neverending journey. It should be. It's certainly exhilarating, but can rapidly spiral into a chase for an ever-shifting better me.
Maybe what's making us miserable isn't that we're not good enough, but that we keep changing what "enough" stands for. For instance, I'll set out a goal to work out for 20 minutes a day and for a while, I'll be happy with that. But then, I'll go up to 25. The first day I dial it back to "just 20", I'll feel I've failed.
Maybe I need to spend less time thinking about how I can make myself better and turn outward. What that means exactly, I don't know. The concept that maybe "how can I optimize myself outta this funk" isn't the solution is still a bit novel to me. But I'm certainly thinking.
It was particularly an interesting interview as the older I get, the more motherhood becomes a pressing issue for me and my friends. Reframing a bit from this new perspective, I realize kids are becoming just another box to tick for many of us. And it's not that we don't want kids, many of us do, it's just that we start viewing it as another marker towards the new and improved, perfectly optimized "me".
Maybe we need a break from "me". My generation. And the ones around it, at least. At least. Though it feels like this productivity, self-improvement craze has taken over everyone, any age, sex or place.
But until that care manifests itself externally, it could start from within. Jordan Peterson has this wonderful quote, something like "treat yourself like someone you're in charge of helping and protecting". Because you are. I admit for me, it's challenging sometimes. But I'll keep moving.
