Photograph by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, June 11, 2024
“The thing is,” 21-year-old Melvin Trent said, “we keep hearing Edwina is trying to become a sweet little girl, but are the Ludlows and the Lees really ready for that, given that they also have Amanda?”
Almost-18-year-old Vanna just passed the popcorn as Mrs. Maggie Lee overtook seven-year-old Amanda Ludlow as the little cousin was carrying every perfume her grandmother Mrs. Ludlow had and every perfume Mrs. Lee had brought with her out into the yard.
“Well, see, I was thinking that the flowers that don't smell like anything might be feeling lonely and overlooked, because the roses and stuff get all the attention, so then I thought I would help out, and if I mix all these different perfumes in different ways, each one would really have its own scent, but then each one would be a little alike so they all could get along and be safe.”
“I see why y'all don't need television!” Mr. Thomas Stepforth Sr. said as he sat down with his popcorn. “Big Velma, are you getting this?”
“Tom,” Mrs. Velma Stepforth said, “you've forgotten that we're downwind from them today, and Amanda has grabbed Furtive Kiss and Nereid Splash and Cassandra, and since Mrs. Lee only brought Cassandra, she has no idea what happens if you mix the first two, and then add the third.”
“Oh, no – grandchildren, when I tell you to run, run,” Mr. Stepforth said. “We were at a dinner party when two women who bathed in the first two were in the room and that was bad, but then the one wearing Cassandra came in and that ended it all – that is the worst clash that is not actually at the level of Milton mixing bleach and Pine-Sol in the washer to get things really clean.”
“Wait a minute – their sweet little girl is over there about to do chemical warfare?” Vanna said.
“And they want Edwina to become that,” Melvin said before putting more popcorn in his mouth.
Five-year-old Lil' Robert Ludlow, though, was called to save the day, and brought his little red wagon out.
“Because, see, Grandma will understand you helping the flowers, but, see, if you drop Grandma's perfumes, we're still all going to die, because Papa.”
“Poor baby,” Mrs. Stepforth said. “If she drops Furtive Kiss and the other two I mentioned, none of us will have to worry about Capt. Ludlow."
But, Lil' Robert helped Amanda put all the perfume safely in the wagon, and the cul-de-sac was spared.
“She's just a sweet little girl – nobody wants her at the Hague tried for war crimes,” Mr. Stepforth said.
“And y'all think Edwina doesn't know what she is talking about when she talks about trying to become a sweet little Ludlow girl,” Melvin said. “As many times as that girl has told us about not being afraid of prison, and y'all think the Hague would even phase her if she knew how to clash perfumes.”
“Edwina actually is a sweet little girl if she doesn't get overstimulated,” Mrs. Stepforth said, “and because she is fashionable, she will learn how to smell those three and know they do not go together.”
“Just how bad was it, though?” Vanna said.
“You know what a fragrant flower at its finest smells like,” Mrs. Stepforth said. “Maybe take a rose, a magnolia, and a gardenia, all magnificent alone, and magnificent in combination. Col. Lee, your father, your grandfather, and Capt. Ludlow – tenor, high baritone, bass-baritone, and bass – wonderful harmony even if they just fall in on a hymn because they all know how to sing and sing well.
“OK, so Furtive Kiss is dark rose, Cassandra is heliotrope written large, and Nereid Splash is strong sweet herbs with a hint of salt. They are all fine soloists, but they do not want to sing together, at all. Force them to do that, and they essentially strangle you. The rose, the sandalwood, the lemongrass, mint, and minerals all start fighting with the heliotrope, and heliotrope is not having it – every bad soap and foot day you've ever had is the result, with the herbs in Nereid Splash adding that natural poison odor too.”
“And that's just three of those bottles,” Vanna said, “the ones you recognized.”
“Look, dear, I am not trying to think of the other horrors I don't know about,” Mrs. Stepforth said. “I just thank God for Lil' Robert Ludlow, and if you knew what I do, you would, too.”
