I Want To Write A Poem

tezmel in #blockchainpoets • 2 years ago

I want to write a poem to my raging inner teen
But she doesn't like me
I have seen the hate she holds in her eyes
For my choosing to sacrifice
Everything she held dear
To survive.

Her bleeding hands reach for my neck
When I try to go to sleep
Like I willingly traded everything she knew
For the echoes that made her believe
She doesn't deserve
To thrive.

I want to write a poem to my inner child
But she will ask why I stood aside
While time stole
The magic of her healing smile
Or the infinite things that colored her mind
Before I lost mine.

To be clear,
I still can't account for her blinding light
No matter how I stare into the darkness
That consumed everything in me
And left her drowning
Together with my curiosity.

I want to write a poem to my evolved self
But she doesn't have a shred of trust
Hers is to change masks
To fit in a society full of asks
Yet none make her feel
Better or loved.

Quick to admit when overwhelmed
And the last to reach out
For a helping hand
I have seen shame clothe her more than hope
As she fights to love herself
Despite the urge not to.

I had come to the end of the road with prose and poetry. I had drifted from the what centers in words and phrases. I have felt defiance growing toward my ability to release whatever tries to take hold of my spirit through penmanship or any other positive way of expression.

I am now trying to tap back into the mystery of being gifted with a different way of painting my pain as I have always been doing. To heal. To soothe. To reignite my constantly dying rays. To embody a larger part of myself.

...here is to reimagining my affair with words!

wambuku w.

#poetry #proofofbrain #reflections #spirituality

2 years ago in #blockchainpoets by tezmel

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silviu93 2 years ago

Nicely done,
Your poem is a reminder that we all have inner battles to fight, and we can overcome them by facing our problems and focusing on what truly matters.

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tezmel 2 years ago

Thank you 😊

Energy goes where we let our minds focus on...

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trucklife-family 2 years ago

Such a powerful poem.
Your gift of expression is overflowing here, as you share your pain and your healing journey.
It allows others to not feel so alone, which is another gift.
Sending you love, know that you are loved and seen and appreciated ❤ xxxxxxxxx

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tezmel 2 years ago

And I am always humbled by you and everyone else who thinks so. Thank you for joyfully cheering me on. It has always meant more than these mere words 🧡

Your love has always been felt and appreciated xxx

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owasco 2 years ago

Dang! You are such a powerful poet!

As she fights to love herself
Despite the urge not to.

Seems to me this line could be about both the teenager and the adult. You often write about your self-doubt. I wish you could see what I see in you, which is a powerful urge to love and be loved. This poem holds that in it as well.

We are told, over and over again, to love ourselves. But we are also told, even more often, about the great many things that could be wrong with us, which leads us to assume that there undoubtedly are terrible things wrong with us. We could have ADD, be bipolar, narcissistic, psychotic, depressed, schizophrenic, borderline personality and on and on. Then someone somewhere tells us we have one or more of these maladies. We are sick!!! Now, how can we love ourselves if we are told we are mentally ill? Society shuns us, schools put us in special rooms sometimes padded, and our shrinks, nevertheless, order us to love ourselves. When we fail at that, we have simply failed again, at the supposedly most important task we have been given.

Teenagers especially.

What would the world be like if our children were told they were loving beings of light? That they are free to feel whatever it is they feel, that their feelings are valid and good, even the angry, jealous, shameful feelings?

So where does your urge to not love yourself come from?

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tezmel 2 years ago

You engage my mind wholly so I had to take a minute.

Dang! You are such a powerful poet!

The appreciation I have for these words is insane. Thank you. I am learning how to accept this gracefully.

Yes, I do. Because it's mostly what I feel. I am working to change that.

I was never told to love myself. That is a lesson I stumbled on as I was trying to clear up the dense mental fog that had engulfed me. My trauma felt like a disorder for the longest time until I had a name for it.

I am sensitive which didn't help at all and the emotional environment I grew up in couldn't figure that out. I was then termed as difficult and too rigid to figure out... and hence the bottling of anything and everything.

In my teens especially.

And so to answer this...

So where does your urge to not love yourself come from?

Shame.

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owasco 2 years ago

Yeah. My son suffered from that. Brought to him by the schools and doctors. He was very sensitive, too, and could "read minds" and intentions, which isn't conducive to acceptable behavior in schools. I suppose a lot of the "blame" rests with me, because I trusted all those negative entities, as we have been indoctrinated to do, and tried to force him to comply.

It's awful. And it's false. You are extraordinary. Nothing worse than that.

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tezmel 2 years ago

What a special soul! I am confident there's nothing you did to cause harm. You just put trust where we assume we all should and we all should but then those in charge of these institutions should be more rigorous as they are choosing who to represent them.

People should be doing what they are called to do not aping into careers that require more than their mechanical abilities. Thank you so much for your understanding always. It means more than my gratified words.

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