New Year 2024
It’s 20:53 and I’m already in bed.
It’s not because I don’t want to go out and have a bit of a dance. It’s because I suspect doing that would be more trouble than it’s worth.
The last time I tried to be social in these surrounds, and have a burger at a restaurant so that I could use their wifi and get some work done during yet another power outage in the area, the generator was turned off until I left the premises.
I wouldn’t want the music to be turned off at any parties happening nearby, so will stay at home and continue making plans to evacuate the vicinity as soon as possible.
I think when things escalate to damage of property, when you’re a sick single mama already on the bones of her ass, it’s an indication that there’s not much clarity of thought happening.
And that doesn't even piss me off much anymore.
These days, I know to not take the reactions of others too personally.
These days, I know that when rage like this appears it’s usually a trigger of some sort for the person experiencing it. And it’s usually not even “me” that they’re “seeing".
You can’t fight with a ghost.
So no qualms about riding out New Years eve alone at home with my boy again this year. And no hard feelings for not being invited or welcome out there either. My only judgement, these days, is on a situation itself and how it may impact my own journey.
If it’s in a negative way, I bail.
It's kinda stupid that it took such radical loss and such a radical bottom out of my physical health to alert me to make a call like this, innit?
Silly, really.
And I see folks not taking much care of themselves all of the time, all around me, because of the exact same reasons I didn't for so many years. Now.
I hope they figure out how to make the right call for themselves, before it gets to the point that they lose too much to have much of a choice anymore as well.
Nowadays it’s pretty simple. For me.
Always without judgement of the person or situation I may have to avoid to take care of myself.
I say, these days, that there are no victims and perpetrators in ongoing connections and relationships.
People like to think there are.
Probably because it makes a situation simpler and more easy to understand. But we humans aren’t either of those, really. And I gave up labelling myself as a victim, in some of the very obviously toxic relationships I chose, many years ago already.
A participant.
That’s what I call myself these days. And that’s what I try to point out to those that still define themselves as victims in such relationships. No. We always have a choice at the end of the day. To engage. Or to walk away. Honestly.
So it’s just not possible that only one person can be responsible for the shitstorm that unfolds when two worlds, who have the right set of past experiences and consequent perspectives and behaviours, collide.
It’s a symbiosis of two separate attempts to unravel two separate histories and make them all right, if they choose to keep engaging with each other.
Perhaps, with a fuck ton of effort and awareness, this might be possible.
To heal the past, I mean.
But, more often, the outcome is disastrous for everyone involved if folks aren’t aware of what's goin' down.
I still meet them, you know. And I’m still crazy attracted to engage with them. I still like them, as well. But the personalities that end in my personal disaster are now obvious to me from the get go. Hey, I'd be a disaster for them as well, to be fair.
I just can’t afford how much an exchange like that takes from me anymore. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually. Physically. Even if I adore them immeasurably (which is the Imago attraction in the first place) and think they’re cool af.
Nope. We just don’t work together well. Bizarrely because I like them all too much, really. Isn't that strange? A connection like that will always be heavy lifting for me. And I’m not strong enough to lift anything much anymore right now.
Nothing personal.
This is how some relationships “work”.
Nothing strange either.
Nobody to even blame.
How uncomfortable for everyone, isn’t it?
Nothing finite.
Nothing written in stone.
Only humans trying to make their way in the world.
These days I see it and this makes it easy to not take things personally.
I don’t hate anybody anymore either.
Maybe sometimes I get a bit pissed off. Especially when folks act their shit out and damage the small amount of property I own that I can’t afford to fix. And that needed fixing already. As one example.
It’s annoying and unnecessary. Best avoided if you can’t afford it.
That’s logic, right? Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee - Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland again
I was driving with Nathan today, to view a place in Somerset West, and I saw his reaction as we passed someone.
I mean, I saw it out of the corner of my eye and it was a mild facial expression and some slight body language.
I gently teased him about what he’d just thought and how he was feeling. He looked surprised that I knew but I explained that this is years of sobriety and some years of meditation at play.
I can see what people are thinking, these days. Hell… I can even read between the lines and over the kilometres of internet lines.
People think it’s some kind of super power or something and it makes some folks a bit nervous. It’s not. It’s clarity of thought and sight because of the years of being sober, really. And the personal growth that helped me to get to know my own mind well enough, to put a lot of myself aside when I’m interacting with people.
Of course… my ability to read people, and in between what’s not being said in written messages, is affected by how clear I am in my present situation. Always.
Thing is… these days hardly anything rattles me much anymore.
This is the result of all the hard slog over these last ten odd years. Most of which was brutally fucking lonely and awfully painful and uncomfortable. Often embarrassing.
And sometimes really frightening.
Is it worth it, I wonder some days?
Because now it’s quite hard to find another someone who I can’t see lying off the bat. More often than not they aren’t even doing it intentionally, you know. It’s how we humans are socialised to be “polite” and “socially acceptable”.
We are taught to lie.
And to hide ourselves.
I'm getting kinda tired of that now.
Aren't you?
My life partner to be could see right through me when we met, I think.
Sometimes me through him.
And I think that this was a part of the continued interest we had in each other. We saw each other more clearly than most people see each other. Probably because we’d both been through enough shit, to humble us enough, to do that kind of thing. But who knows, really. Perhaps some of us are just more sensitive and also resilient enough to see things more fully.
My point is that there is usually nobody to blame when two worlds collide and two people step towards each other to relate, see?
Which makes judgement, and blame, foolish and dangerous again.
But, sometimes, you gotta make a good judgement call for your own peace and stability.
And health.
Sometimes you gotta detach from people and situations (with love, ideally) to encourage the best kinda progress for everyone involved.
Right… hot dogs and Netflix with Nathan now. I’ll fry up some onions and make ‘em Boutique.
Tomorrow we may dance again.
You never know what might happen next, you know.
Isn’t that fuckin' magical? 💥
Something has shifted here... #justsaying ... it's kinda weird but I'm excited about the future. Even though I have no idea where I'm going right now.
I think a New Year is the best time to Let Go of as much shit as possible, innit?
To new beginnings.
Thanks to everyone in the Hive Verse for the engagement and experience.
On we go to 2024. Can you believe it?! 🤓
The journey... as it is. Be brave! It's only Life. 💜 For kindred travellers
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
