Listening to the Animals

in #hive-1948482 years ago

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November 2022

 
As the car comes to a final stop, a woman in torn jeans and a faded t-shirt emerges from the shadows beyond the front door of the house to greet us.

I reach out to shake her hand with a relieved hello, while Harry starts unloading the car.
 
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Part of The Accidental Theory: A journey to freedom
Read from the beginning >>


 

I'm wiry and thin again, after the last few weeks of tension, and my smile is hollow and taught. Despite my edgy appearance it's obvious I'm happy to be here and she smiles in return. She introduces herself as Dana and explains that the owner is busy somewhere.

Dana lives on the property and helps out in exchange for accommodation. She's been left with the responsibility of greeting and showing me around. Our rental is beyond a wide farm style metal gate, on rusty hinges. It's closed fast with a traditional loop of wire tied to a wooden post.

The gate secures a stone path off the main driveway that leads to a narrow flight of similarly rusted metal stairs. I can see a wooden deck above us where the entrance to the flat must be. Enormous, shady trees surround the entire plot.

The place feels like a completely different world to the gang ridden area just beyond its gates.

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Harry helps me pile my remaining belongings next to the path, sweating but still smiling and obviously eager to be off.

Time is money and he'll be missing possible last day rides, so I jump in to help and we hustle to get him on the road again. In a few whirlwind minutes, he's waving goodbye as the heavy security gates swing slowly to a close behind him.

I'm left alone to carry our things in four loads up the narrow stairs, but I'm used to this now. The excitement of being out of the situation in Somerset West and at this new, more earthy place makes the load seem lighter.

On entry into the flatlet, however, my heart sinks in disappointment.

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At first glance, the flatlet seems nothing like what was advertised in the photos.

The front door leads straight into a dark, windowless kitchen with an old, stained linoleum floor that's ragged and torn in patches. Although the place feels safe, it's as worn thin as I am right now.

I don't allow the feeling of disappointment to linger. Business like and purposefully I maintain my momentum and methodically continue to move our belongings into the flatlet. When I finally enter the bedroom, that Nathan and I will share, my heart lifts again as suddenly.

In complete contrast to the kitchen, the bedroom is bright and cheerful; airy, spacious and clean with two sets of wall to wall windows. Curtains billow gently in the now late afternoon breeze.

There's a neatly made, queen size bed with a pretty comforter and matching pillows against the far wall. It's printed with a mandala that lives wonderfully with the wooden furniture. Side tables, with lamps adorning them, decorate corners and convenient places. The flat feels warm and homely.

The bedroom-come-lounge is large enough for a small couch and a generously sized coffee table as well. I shuffle these around to create even more space and comfort. The owner has also taken the trouble to move a single bed into the room for us.

Although Nathan will try to hijack the queen size bed in the far corner, we will end up jokingly squabbling over the smaller bed because it's so comfortable.

I will, of course, let Nathan win.

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Once the loads from downstairs are done, I excitedly get to making the place look more welcoming for Nathan's impending arrival.

I pull the faded mat out from under the kitchen table to cover the torn parts of the floor near the front door of the flatlet. I throw a single bed-sheet over the white plastic table, as a make shift table cloth, and add salt and pepper shakers to dress the table with a flourish. Just behind these, the way it would be presented in a low key family restaurant, I position the tomato sauce bottle.

The finished table looks cheesy, cute and very much as though some superbly decent junk food might be served in baskets with colourful serviettes on its counter top.

Here, Nathan and I will begin to have family meals again for the first time in some years. Over time, we've made a habit of eating in front of television and this always makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. But moving forward, at this very makeshift dining room table, Nathan and I will sit opposite each other each night to share a meal and talk in some semblance of normality and routine again.

And each meal will begin with Nathan quipping, "So honey, how was your day?" in a nasal drawl that will make me laugh out loud with delight.

Every single time.

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After the kitchen has been shuffled around, I unpack our groceries and few remaining kitchen utensils. I then move on to our clothes.

These are placed, neatly folded, into a narrow cupboard in a not really a hallway, next to the bathroom door. We each have our own small shelf and Nathan's surprisingly large collection of socks are placed into a picnic basket, now transformed into a mobile drawer, under the half hanging space, on the floor of the cupboard.

My guitar fits neatly into a back corner and, with the kitchen and clothing done, I move onto the bedroom.

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I put Nathan's boxes of Lego next to his bed, bright and visible, to make the room more homely.

His books go onto the coffee table turned nightstand, now moved next to his bed, within easy reach. The Woo Man is placed onto his pillow as a familiar, first greeting on entering the room.

Our belongings are unpacked bit by bit, into neatly chosen places, until our bags can be put away. I slide them under the bed. This gives the place a feeling of semi permanence and stability for the relatively short time we will be here.

This intentional personalizing of the space, along with the animals only a few steps away, will result in Nathan suggesting we stay at this place for good. But the plain fact is that we aren't able to walk safely around the neighborhood beyond the gate and I no longer have my own car to get around.

Instead of our usual, rambling walks we will walk just a few short meters to visit the horses, chickens, dogs and ducks everyday.

More than once a day.

More than twice a day.

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Although I'll also fall in love with the horses, and the lifestyle within the high fencing around it that we'll be confined to for the next two weeks, this is not the life I envisage for Nathan and I forever.

My focus, these days, is entirely on freedom.

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Nathan is excited on arrival and we immediately head to the enclosures at the back of the farm to see the horses.

I have little knowledge of horses but since volunteering for a rescue farm back in Noordhoek I've wanted to get to know them better. I've had a keen interest in Equine Therapy for some time, in fact. A skill I went as far as to research study for but the fees for a formal qualification were unaffordable.

Volunteering was the next best thing.

My experience with horses is still minimal, though. I've yet to spend time with them in a proper professional therapeutic setting. What I do know is that they're a profound method for recovery for many different challenges.

Horses are extremely sensitive to the mental states and, consequently, to the nervous system reactions of those around them. And they respond directly to this in real time. Just as we humans do, only we've mostly lost the capacity to be aware of this.

If you want to know how you're really feeling...

go and hang out with a herd team of horses for a while.

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The biggest shift in my own full recovery from the plethora of clinical psychiatric diagnoses I received over the years, has been shifting my focus from what I am thinking to how I am feeling.

And by feeling I'm not talking about feelings, but about how I'm feeling physically.

I've spent a lifetime behaving in a manner I've was taught is socially appropriate. A lifetime of, basically, lying to everyone around me (but mostly to myself) about what the "truth" of any given situation really is.

After years of "being socialized", I got to the point that I hardly knew what I was feeling at all. Bar happy, sad or angry. And all of these were often hidden behind a socially acceptable mask anyway.

Do you want to know what happens when people aren't allowed to be who and what they truly are? They turn to alcohol. Or drugs. Or food, sex and social media. Or any of the gazillion behaviours we humans adopt to ease the pain of daily living.

And if those aren't sufficient enough, to dull down reality, a person can actually lose their grip on reality in full, instead.

I wonder how many people would even feel it necessary to use anything to avoid reality...

if every kind of reality was accepted as "normal" and okay...

and was simply allowed to Be?
 

In case I haven't told you lately... UR already Perfect! 👈 True story

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I approach the horses with caution.

It's only day one at this beautiful place and my nervous system is still ringing from the triggers, and the toxic environment, from the last couple of weeks.

I know this now.

I can feel this now, even though my mind is calm.

I can feel immediately when my nervous system reacts these days. I'm that tuned in after some years of practice. It's been three years or more, since I stopped listening to my mind. In fact, I mostly ignore what I'm thinking and go solely "on instinct" these days.

Once upon a time I doubted my own mind, as many people out there do. I see you, you know. You who care too much. It takes one to know one and all that.

There was a time I didn't trust myself either. But when I stopped listening to other people's noise inside my head and started listening to my nervous system instead...

I couldn't quite believe I'd been walking around for so many years, physically feeling like that and thinking things were actually normal.

In fact...

learning to listen to how my body reacts to my environment, and the people in it, is what gave me all of the information I needed...

to find and address the core reasons I was struggling mentally in the first place.

And to, eventually, fully recover.

Horses are incredibly sensitive to nervous system reactions. Very much the same as we humans are. As expected, when I approach the horse to try and stroke him...

he immediately backs away from me.

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In my place, Nathan steps towards the Patch we will fall in love with, aptly named Picasso, and slowly reaches out a hand. Picasso immediately steps forward to nuzzle Nathan's hand and greet him.

I'm not jealous or upset.

I am so very proud of Nathan!

Once again, my heart expands at his calmness, fearlessness, sensitivity and respect towards the animal. And how easily Picasso takes to Nathan because of this.

This happens a lot.

Nathan adores animals and has a knack with them that borders on some kind of gift. They respond to him in the most amazing fashion. As always, when one of my children is around, I step back and enjoy watching him experience this new place and marvel at how cool my kid is.

Not so long ago, Nathan was diagnosed with childhood anxiety and depression, you know. Interesting thing...

since I've recovered...

so has Nathan.

Before we go to sleep on our first night at the farm, we will have organised for Nathan to help the owner, Miriam, to feed the horses and chickens the following day.

And, once again, Nathan will make it seem like he's been doing this all of his life.

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Still getting up to date with this journey called Life, from there to here...
in reply to the latest prompt from one of my favourite places to stay connected to...


 

“You are an explorer, and you represent our species, and the greatest good you can do is to bring back a new idea, because our world is endangered by the absence of good ideas. Our world is in crisis because of the absence of consciousness.”
-Terence McKenna

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Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer

still...

Beyond fear is freedom

And there is nothing to be afraid of.

To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee

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All images my own. Edited with GIMP

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It's funny how sometimes even a nice place can have one dreary room like a kitten that makes you think oh shit but then you see the rest and are relieved!

I thought I saw your name and then stuff happened and here I am because I thought.... "hey... I thought I saw Mr M!"

I'm so sorry I'm so late. Things have been a liddle busy here again this week. Another move comin' up! Hold thumbs this is the last for a bit! Please the kittens.

Yeah... you know... it's light and air. I need that. Being a Pippin an' all.

The atmosphere and people were incredible and worth far more than a newly tiled floor and all that bling. We still stay in touch...

Sending sunshine to you!

I had some of your posts open but then twilight zone rentals and stupid Android. More to follow.

I checked early this week (or was it last week?) ... and also saw you'd been a bit quiet btw. What's the story?!

I'm coming to find out tomorrow.

Thanks for staying connected. I do so adore our rambles.

!LUV

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The fun and frivolities of moving house…
Guess what. I’m packing up again too. Hahaha 🤣 again… a country move. 📦📦📦

Omg...

Where to next?

So on the go here so sorry for sporadic comms. Plus loadshedding. Plus tired!

I'm around and will always check in with you.

Why on earth and where on earth? There must be hardly anywhere left to set up house for you.

I know… tell be about it. UK refused residency 😳 so have to leave. We never ever expected this. As they helped me last year with the application themselves… and advices what to do, fill in and when.
You are so right, not much left to go to hahaha we go now to a country where both of us don’t need visas. (At the moment hehehe 🤭) Ireland it will be. For me I can go to any EU country… hubby can’t anymore as UK left the EU. It’s all soooo f**** complicated !LOL
I move early May and hubby has to wait until mid July 😣 I think you can imagine how we feel at the moment…

I understand, no worries sweetie 🤗😘 you rest up a bit.
Have a lovely Friday, almost weekend!

I know my wife loves it when I tickle her
She laughs while I'm tickling and is angry at me when I stop.

Credit: reddit
@nickydee, I sent you an $LOLZ on behalf of @littlebee4

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Use the !LOL or !LOLZ command to share a joke and an $LOLZ

oh gods... the invisible borders! 🙄

You obviously don't have a flag! 😒

 



 

That sucks, angel. I'm so sorry to hear this.

If you want to come and visit ZA you have people here to visit.

I know you'll land somewhere even better! Just keep on keeping on. Everything is gonna be okay ❤️

Yep… the invisible borders and I sure don’t have a flag hahaha 🤣

Thank you so much sweetie.
That would be cool… when I go that way one day, I sure will visit 🤗🥰
That’s exactly what I will be doing… keep on keeping on.
Thank you kindly.
You too… stay strong! All will be okay. We can do this!
Have a great new week ☀️🌺🤗
!LUV

😊

Oh dear. No flag? Your f*cked. Sorry :/

Yes we can! 💪

Adventure is out there.

Happy Monday, angel

!LUV

Thank you so much sweetie ♥️
Have a wonderful week.

Up to new adventures 😎
!LUV

😁

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As I am reading your story, I could feel how busy all of you were. You may like the queen-sized bed but when Nathan wanted it, this was for him, hehe. I do not know much about Nathan but he was so lucky. And I was sad hearing about him undergoing depression , but what a relief when I have read the lines that he has recovered.

Beat regards. Love you always my dear Nicky and I miss you.

Ah... beautiful lady :)

What a lovely, heartfelt comment.

Thank you!

Yes. Nathan is super skilled up now and knows what's what! But his recovery is mainly because I recovered.

Same as the horses, kids pick up our nervous system reactions. So if a parent is super stressed, anxious or depressed the child's nervous system *physically syncs to this.

And the nervous system can't lie.

We can pretend we are okay but the child can feel we aren't - and that is even worse than just saying we aren't okay. Because then the child is taught that this stressed state of being is "normal" and to distrust their own reality and instincts = mental health problems later on.

So logically... if a parent heals themselves...

the child's nervous system will sync with a healthy, grounded nervous system and not a traumatized one!

Sending love and thank you again for reading and taking the time to say hello! ❤️

!LUV

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Nathan seems like a great guy😃....
Anyone who animals love tend to be really good inside, you're doing a great job bringing him up nikky✨

Glad to see you posting again 🤗

Hey you :)

I actually thought of you and felt bad for not dragging you to listen to some music. I did send a link on Discord on Saturday morning when I had some time out and time for music! :D

Hope we get to hang out soon.

Yes! He is an incredible human being! But I could be biased ;) (not. he is amazing and very empathetic and connected)

Good to see you've been busy here

Have a beautiful day 🌼

Another Saturday is coming....
Tmw to be precise....

I'll be sure to make it😃

It's a coffee date!

Tomorrow morning. Tunes on! I'm in :)

See you there...

except I don't know where your there is!

I'm in South Africa? I think you're a bit further up North?

West Africa actually...
Nigeria 😂😂

Would probably be the same time...
I guess the fact that I'm awake by 1 isn't helping..
Going to bed now ✨

That's right!

That is North ish. :)

I thought Nigeria or Congo.

Okay. Rest well. I'm logging on now and will be creating today so will have it on in the background. Whenever... or nest weekend if you need sleep!

Yeah - Hive does that :D It's hard to balance down time with all the action and creativity around here! 😆

Congo...
I love that countries name....

Seems so relaxing....
Hey wanna Congo in Congo?😂😂😂😃

Gee... I'd love to Congo in Congo.

Or travel anywhere at all! :D Bring it!

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And thank you and happy weekend to you <3

You're welcome @nickydee! Have a nice weekend too 😊👍

At one point I'm amazed how many living places you've changed, carrying the little one with you (not sure would I be so brave, probably alone), on the other it makes you tired of not settling and constant adjusting.

Dark kitchens are bummer, dark living spaces actually... Light is a must everywhere, at each corner!

Horses reminds me of cats, they seem to have similar behavior mechanism. No way the cat will approach if you are stressed and nervous.

I don't think you are still at the farm, right? Would you like one for you and N?

Hello!

No. i write about the journey after we've left. Privacy and all with a younger human. You'll find the dates at the top as headings. This was November 2022. :)

Shoooo.... it's been hectic in some ways. One move was unexpected and was supposed to be a 3 month stay and that just threw everything into chaos so have been treading water since end November really.

Yes. It is tiring but more so and unnecessarily due to some not so okay behaviour by people. But it is like an apocalypse right now after COVID and with loadshedding so people are in survival mode.

And that's when you see who is who in the zoo.

It'd be easier if I had some savings for emergencies but it's hand to mouth and unexpected turns are problematic. But...

I can't believe how strong Nathan and I are now. It's almost impossible to rattle us these days. Really. And it's been super stressful at times. So we are gaining from it immensely.

Yes :) After we visited we decided a farm with tons of animals. And a van to travel. But tons of animals mostly!

In the thick of another challenge. Yep. F*cking tired now! But life... so comms not great but I'll always be back to check in, if a bit slower than usual.

Love you! Special human.

<3

Yeah, got the date but wasn't sure are you still there. Life is a bitch hon, 6 months ago I had totally different plans, stable income, and then life went in its own direction and I am currently living below every possible minimum that I have ever lived, I guess I have to adapt to that as well.

And that's when you see who is who in the zoo.

I don't have anything to say about it for a long time already...

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
Cliché or not... you will make it trough it and then laughing in it's face.

🍀

Well well...

Seems we've been on the same journey. :)

I suspect many people are after this "shift".

I think you're right. I miss myself though. I used to be very gentle and soft and had a lot of faith and hope.

But I'm settling into my new me. I think a radical shift in perspective like this takes a long time to integrate fully.

If you're fucked and need a place to land you're welcome here. In fact... come here and let's find some land and fill it with animals and just camp next to a river. 👍

Not suspicions, just less dealing with them.:D

But I'm settling into my new me. I think a radical shift in perspective like this takes a long time to integrate fully.

Process is process and habits are tough thing that takes time to be beaten up.

If you're fucked and need a place to land you're welcome here. In fact... come here and let's find some land and fill it with animals and just camp next to a river. 👍

Sure, let me just grab my homestead and here I am!🤣

😆

Not suspicions, just less dealing with them.:D

I edited my comment because I left out the "are". I meant I'm sure many people are on the same journey and going through massive change as well.

But yes. Less people has been a part of the shift. More silence is less noisy. We humans are complicated and, since we are basically mirrors for each other, I find it better to take breaks to assimilate and integrate learning from people now!

Makes for a smoother journey in the long run.

Process is process and habits are tough thing that takes time to be beaten up.

They say change takes time. This is probably why. But I also think we have to let go of stuff to move to different ways of being so there's a grieving process as well. Even if we want to change. Natural part of it and that takes time. Always.

Sure, let me just grab my homestead and here I am!

COME! :D

Even we want to change, brain is resistant to it (that's what my yoga instructor teaches me), once again everything takes time, grief is part of it and very important one.

Time cures everything.... 🍀

That is does.

And I learned that learning to wait is a skill :)

❤️

Beautiful composition; I must admit. The vivid imagery you have used to make the readers aware of the surroundings directly points to your conscious sense of flawless writing.

Apart from sharing what implies to be your experience, this is a great lesson to anybody reading from top to bottom.

I've spent a lifetime behaving in a manner I've was taught is socially appropriate. A lifetime of, basically, lying to everyone around me (but mostly to myself) about what the "truth" of any given situation really is.

That's what social discourse is, you are not yours but a dedication to society; a sacrifice made for the pleasure of other social beings. Getting out of the circle requires more than courage and unfortunately, most of us fail miserably and continue entertaining the faces around us.

To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!

I'm sticking by it. Thanks for sharing.

Hey you :)

Thank you for taking the time to read me and make such a beautiful comment. I woke up this morning thinking I need to visit you and find out more about you as well!

I'm in quite a challenging situation here and comms aren't great right now. I'm usually far better at staying in touch and reading hot new content (you!), but right now life is on it's own mission and I'm having to deal with things as they come.

I always come back though!
 

I'm sticking by it.

 

I have no doubt at all that you're an authentic "seeker" and "seer". I'm in it for the long haul too. I think once you've seen certain things you can't really go back anyway... wish I could at times :/

Small crisis here today and, hopefully, it's be sorted over the weekend so I can come and see more of what goes on in that fabulous mind of yours.

<3 :)

It is beautiful that at this stage of your life you are allowing yourself to "be". Perhaps even if this place is transitory, the contact with nature and animals is medicinal. I hope you continue your journey with enthusiasm.

Ah... thanks for such a lovely comment!

I'm sorry it took me so long to find it. I don't know what happened to my already dodgy admin this week. Just multi tasking and I suck at that! I even looked at Engage yesterday but had a phone issue on top of everything and couldn't use Authy so...

it's not you. It's me! :/

I really appreciate you connecting :)

They are incredibly healing. Animals. I need more of them in my life! Picasso was just awesome. Beautiful boy!

We did! Thank you. 🌼

Hey there!😍
Your new place sounds like a fairly minimalist one, which could be beneficial for you both. It's a shame about the kitchen is dark and windowless, but at least the bedroom is a contrast.
It's beautiful to read about the connection you have with animals; I'm not comfortable around horses, because they are so unpredictable. Still, a few have gravitated toward me. Dogs, on the other hand, seem to sense something in me that they like. Many months ago I was walking through the woods and I saw a lady in a distance with the biggest dog I had ever seen. I thought it would be better for me to sit on a bench and let them go by. The dog came up to me and pinned me down on the bench for me to pet it and would not go away. The entire time I was struggling to breathe and the owner kept saying "he loves your aura". Eventually, I had to ask her to take him away. It was a lovely experience somehow.
Kudos to you for gaining control of your life, which has had a positive effect on Nathan, which is evident in his attitude towards animals, and animals' reaction to him.
I hope you'll both find this period at your new lodge beneficial.
All good wishes ❤️
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Thanks for your #KISS
I enjoyed it 😉


lips sealed

speaking lips

:)

And thank you for your beautiful comment!

Yes! Animals are so much more in touch with the present and reality than we are. We could learn so much from them!

And nature.

I always go back to nature to come back to myself. There is, I believe, a more conscious consciousness than we're able to maintain in this "modern" world.

Dogs are so special :D

I can imagine that image and it's brilliant! 😆

I'd also pin you down and hug you if I found you doing Qi Gong in the forest.

Stay you, beautiful lady <3

!LUV

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