When a community you are a part of asks you to share how you let go of anything or anyone you have been attached to one way or the other, my initial thought was/is the admin asking me to dry my dirty linen out here?
But then I sat with the question for a minute or two and the realization that, firstly, I am experiencing a rebirth low key -which has involved having to let go- and how letting go of the shame that comes with sharing negative experiences whether circumstantial or otherwise is the initial step to breaking free.
I mean, we love talking about our wins but to get there we had to lose somehow.
Agreed?
Well, I am currently trying to map my way out of a heartbreaking experience. This is a bit cryptic for it to be solely blamed on a single specialty or someone. It is a mixture of both but in multiplied form.
Last year, I was looking at what I thought were secure investments and assuming I'd smile my way to the bank come December whilst eating healthy and reconnecting with my earthy soul.
I paid for my lease for two acres of land, bought a water pump among other farming tools, built a chicken coup, and got more than fifty birds plus their food. I added the cost of labor, organic pesticides, fertilizers, and the ridiculously expensive seeds.
All this was done whilst draining my hive... was not the best decision, yes, but... I was so sure of returns that we're met to replace it.
For a woman who is trying her best to raise her three babies solo, the financial drain that came with the rude intense, and customized disappointment was irreparable and its damage even more so. I was naively optimistic about the whole thing that I wasn't emotionally ready for it not working my daydreamt way.
The last few months have been eating on my mind as I kept diving deep looking for where I went wrong.
The salty bit was watching the community I had built before the fall turning its back on me. People I gave all of myself to were the first to leave me when I needed them the most. Friendship withered at the cold touch of my dead finances and their tolerance for an old friend or acquaintance became work.
I angrily wished them out of my thoughts but because attachments take time to fade off so it couldn't happen instantaneously. I became bitter. Irritable. Everything annoyed me. Writing turned into a task. That's when I knew it had gotten worse.
My inner critic was -and has been- having a field day, obviously.
After a minute or two -read months- in the darkest mental pit to find me in, in recent years, my light beckoned me back home. The road back here has been longer than I thought because it had reawakened dormant grief somehow but also intentionally.
I have had to sit with my disappointment and expectations for days. Have had to digest resurfacing trauma and hug my shadows. As grateful as I am, the whole experience has scarred and tampered with my trust in others. Relatives. Anyone around me I regarded as a friend. Myself, sadly.
To realign with the universal laws, I am rebuilding everything again. The best. The trust. The gratitude that is needed for my spirit to stay aligned with the good of all.
I am boldly working on forgiveness, especially for myself. I feel like holding on to a dead dream prolonged my unwillingness to let go. The idea is to empower me through positive thinking and celebrating small wins.
What I am saying is, letting go is every minute you need kinda thing. Clinging onto what ails you is the best way to leave yourself open for sabotage.
Breath.
Change your thinking.
Changing your routine too also helps.
Focus on what is working.
But most of all on you.
Breath.
And let it go.
For the good of all.
Including yours.
This self-centered monologue is for this week's blogging idea from the minimalist community. Bear with me if you notice there is nothing minimalistic about my entry :D
wambuku w.
