Hey, BoomDawg. Are you crying?
I set down my cup and looked up from my book at the twittish-sounding thing that was interrupting my precious lunchtime coffee.
Ah.
It was BitcoinBoy, an absolute arsepiece I had once sold some 50 quids worth of bitcoin to back in the 2017 mega run.
He claimed to have bought alts with it and then sold them all for a fortune. Something that I seriously doubted because he had had to buy Bitcoin from me in the first place.
Ever since, he had been as insufferable as a dog snowmobiling its anus on a carpet.
Why?! Why do they do that? Can't they just do what cats do and give it a good lick? I mean they lick their balls readily enough.
No, I am not crying. I am drinking coffee in a cafe. I feel pretty happy.
I set my book down with a contented sigh and smiled at him.
Like everyone else, the lockdowns had made him doughy and blotchy like a hungover labourer after an hour on the pneumatic drill.
Aye, do ye? Do ye fuck!!
BitcoinBoy pulled out a chair and sat beside me, a big cheese-eating grin adorning his face as if he had found his aunt's pants in the laundry.
And why pray tell would I not be happy, bawjaws?
I flared my nostrils as if I could smell his greasy testicles. Truth be told there was a hint of musk in the air. Idly, wondered if there were lots of dead flies and stuff stuck to them.
BitcoinBoy took off his silly grey beanie which looked like it had been fashioned from an Elephant's penis and whapped it on the table triumphantly.
Why would you not be happy? Have you not seen the markets? How much is your bitcoin worth noo ya dobber! Hahahah!
BitcoinBoy shook his head and continued to chuckle as he pulled his phone out of a pocket and flashed the screen at me. It looked like a crypto portfolio that was suffering badly.
Now who's the daftie! I sold all mine at the top. At the top!
He tucked his phone away and looked at me expectantly like a many-breasted octopus.
Good for you, old chap. Now fuck off will you? It's lunchtime and I am trying to have a read.
I made to pick my book up but it was too late. BitcoinBoy had reached out and snatched at it. He began reading the blurb on the back.
Blah blah blah, KGB, blah blah blah MI6, blah blah, spy this, spy that. Haha, you trying to take your mind off losing all your money on crypto?
He chuckled idiotically, like a Welshman trying to play chess.
I don't really care about the price of crypto mate.
I snatched my book back and started reading.
Aye you do.
BitcoinBoy smacked his lips together with a noise like buttocks flapping in the wind.
I really don't mate. Not at all. Not in the slightest.
I had a sip of coffee and let out a little sigh of contentment.
Why, Why not? You sold all your crypto or something??
BitcoinBoy looked worried at the idea I could be out of the game and he wouldn't be able to annoy me about crypto anymore.
Not at all, muckeroo. Not at all. I still have a stash of stuffs.
I gave him a little wink. The kind of wink that drives insecure folk like BitcoinBoy mad.
Why are you not pissed off then that crypto is crashing?
He looked genuinely confused.
It's quite simple, come here.
I beckoned him to lean in closer.
What?
He leaned in a little.
I motioned him closer and cupped my hand conspiratorially.
He leaned in further till his ear was next to my mouth.
Because your mum doesn't take crypto.
I sat back and grinned.
BitcoinBoy frowned deeply.
Because my mum doesn't... Hey, fuck off, that's not funny?!
I let a big belly laugh.
Aye it is. Now seriously, fuck off. I am trying to read.
Miraculously, he did.
