Maybe It's Because He's a Londoner

in #life3 years ago

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Daddy, there's someone at the door?

The Little Lady called from the floor where she was setting up an army of unicorns in a battle against an array of various Harry Potter themed lego people.

I looked down at the Lego people pityingly. I had seen what a unicorn's horn could do to a man. I didn't fancy their chances.

I'll get it, lass. It's probably just Amazon again.

Bloody Amazon. They were always banging on my door and dropping off stuff as if I was constantly ordering things from their site. I had a good mind to not order anything for a week, try getting a fucking rocket to the moon then, Bezos.

I tugged the floor open to see what skullduggery was afoot on the other side.

Awrite mate? Boxabeeah fur ya!

A hugely fat man stood on my doorstep panting like a fucking mad beast as he held up a box at me.

His forehead was slick with sweat and his belly jutted out so far that his gargantuan moobs jostled for position on top of it like two labradors fighting over a pastrami bagel in a pillowcase.

He looked as if he was about to die and not in a good way.

I fervently hoped that he didn't as I had recently swept my front step.

Sorry, a what for me?

I pursed my lips in puzzlement as if someone had suggested some booty bumping and it was not yet midday.

Boxahbeaah, mate. Luvvly innit?

He wheezed through his tits at me with a merry wink.

I frowned. Was this chap a Londoner? His accent seemed to suggest so although he had not once mentioned apples and pears?

Despite looking as though he was on the verge of death he seemed to be in exceedingly good spirits. I nodded to myself in approval. This man certainly knew how to go out with a bang. Although were I in his shoes I probably wouldn't go out and die on someone's clean doorstep.

I would maybe just stay in, have a hand shandy and try to synchronise the actual dying and climaxing bit.

But, we all ride different horses, as they say in France.
do they? I mean, I made it up but damn, it sounds delightfully french.

A bocksabeyah?

I raised an eyebrow at the felon, hoping he was not the sort to steal my biscuits.

A boxabeaah? Innit but?

He gesticulated the box at me as if I should take it off him or some such thing.

Instead I watched him for a moment waiting for him to die.

Alas, the death that his ruddy complexion, huge girth and out of breathness promised did not materialise and I was left with no choice but to try and decipher what the idiot wanted.

Perhaps he wanted me to put something in his box?

I rumpled my face up in distaste. I was not known for making a deposit into fat hairy men's boxes. I had my limits and they usually ended with something vagina'y.

Chunk put the box down on my step and stepped back pulling a smartphone out of one exceedingly tight pocket and aiming it at the box.

I immediately dropped into Hissing Salamander pose. I had seen this shit before. He was undoubtedly calling his alien overlords for air support. No doubt some skinny-faced reptilian fiend was rappeling down from a ship that looked like a takeaway food carton.

Er yoo go mate. Awl dahn.

Chunk waddled away with nary a fart to betray that he had ever been there.

I waited till he had gone before bending to examine the box. There was a note attached which I quickly pulled out and unfurled.

Boomy, sorry I am late for the Birthday celebrations! Enjoy the beer!

I looked down at the box, sure enough, it had lots of pictures of beer on it.

Oh, it was a box of beer. I looked in the direction the delivery guy had gone and shook my head.

Why hadnt he just said so?

Sort:  

With covid and all, wouldn't it be about time to accept our lot and just level up to a personal keg? You know, in case we have company ... like this mug here. It came for a visit all the way from the shelf over there.

Cheers you little frothy glass buddy. It's been too long.

A personal keg, that would be magic! There is a good brewery near me that sells mini kegs of craft beer. I keep meaning to get one. I think I will for the summer at least.

Big cheers mate!!

!BEER delivery. That's fucking awesome.

And I am gonna guet some !PIZZA to go with !LOL

What do you call an airline full of bald people?
Receding airlines.

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Use the !LOL or !LOLZ command to share a joke and an $LOLZ. (1/1)

PIZZA! PIZZA! PIZZA!

PIZZA Holders sent $PIZZA tips in this post's comments:
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Please vote for pizza.witness!

Bang-bang (the door).., drives me fucking mad.., everyday... and the stuff is never for me, it's always those other women in the house!

Its always for the women in my house too! Sometimes I am like, wtf, can we not order something every fecking day!

😀 - not just me then!

Hehe, defo not. Its a lady thing!!

Wait! Wait! I never get the Bezos Packages here! To be fair, I never order anything.

Never?? We are Bezos daft and have stuff flying in every minute of the day. We don't have ready access to half that shecht in our shops!

I went on strike with Amazon a while back! Never is a long time... let's just say only if I have to. I don't have any trouble getting most things here in the DC area.

Except for honesty, pride, fairness, and a lot of that kind of stuff. I can't find that here! I wonder if Bezos has some of that?

He has none of that. We were cutting right down on our Amazon malarkey and then lockdown hit and it was the only way to get stuff practically. Now that it's all over with we should get back to weaning ourself off the Rocket Man. Well, I already have but certain members of my household haven't!

I knew exactly what he meant, but then I'm not too far from Old London Tarn. Can't hear Bow Bells though.

Enjoy your beah.

!BEER

I am glad you cant hear the bow bells. It means you are safe! I kinda understood him as well but it was hilarious how cockney he was!

Enjoy a beach right back atcha!

Luv a duck me old codger!

Well, chunk did his best to say it for sure, maybe he ended up doing a bad job at saying it but I can't really hold much against a man who knows not to die on newly swept doorsteps.

I have a great respect for him for not dying on my step. I truly call that a first class delivery. I hope all my delivery drivers take note! 🤣🤣

🤣🤣🤣 I hope you know that everytime you sweep that place you tempt these delivery drivers and that is not so nice.

This one had me checking Urban Dictionary. LOL.

One of the finest sites on the internet!!

Bloody Amazon. They were always banging on my door and dropping off stuff...

You should try the drone delivery service of Amazon then 😁

If only they could have such a thing in Scotland. Everyone would be shooting them out of the air!!

I think he did tell you + just not in your native language 🤣 Now aren't you glad he left it?

I am rather glad. There were some good uns in there :0D

Since when does beer come in boxes? I thought boxes were for wine.

You were right. I shall send it back in disgust. Perhaps poo in it before I do

Yes. But obviously drink the beer first before you poo in the box and send it back.

It's a largish box and I intend to fill it, so it may be some time before I send it back :0D

"nous montons tous des chevaux différents"

Damn that does sound very nice. I'm so gonna use it! (with due credit :P)

Great story as always!

Cheers man. It does have a certain ring to it!! !PIZZA

I'm torn between "are you actually that terrible at translating accents" to "I'm glad you're terrible at translating accents otherwise we wouldn't have hilarious stories" XD

Lol. I do like misunderstanding an accent it must be said!!

Cockneys though, I mean some of it doesn't even sound like words!! :0D

When did you see someone get stubbed by a unicorn?

Now that would be telling!! ;0D

I think kids born these days should get a paternity test to see which Amazon delivery guy is their real dad

But what if it's more than one? Perhaps it is better to live in the dark! :0D

I love the fact that the legos were Harry Potter themed.

Lol. Yes, it's a bit Harry Potter everything at the moment!

His forehead was slick with sweat and his belly jutted out so far that his gargantuan moobs jostled for position on top of it like two labradors fighting over a pastrami bagel in a pillowcase.

Creased laughing the whole way through this! I hope the "boxabeaah" was half decent 🍻👌

Its funny you say that. It was half decent. As in half the beers were good and half were mediocre. I think that must be how they make a profit. Put half expensive beers and half cheap ass beers!

😂 Some accents are impossible to understand.

A surprise box-a-beer though, maybe he was Santa clause in disguise lol

I love a good incomprehensible accent, they make me chuckle. I should have looked closer, maybe he was a cockney Santa!!! Awesome!

!PIZZA

I love a good incomprehensible accent, they make me chuckle

Yeah. I prefer listening to others conversations in that case. I find it a little awkward and embarrassing when someone is talking to me and asking a question and I can't understand what is being said. After asking them to repeat it for the 3rd time and I'm still not getting it, I basically want to crawl in a hole and hide lol. It doesn't happen often but when it does, I feel like an idiot haha Actually here in France I never understand anyone but that's for a whole other reason. I can't speak French 😆

Haha, I know exactly what you mean. Especially that gut wrenching feeling when you have asked them to repeat what they said for the third time and you realise you still have no idea and you have to gamble with pretending you understood!

I am sure the French tongue will slip into you by osmosis over time!!

Yes, exactly lol

Some accents are impossible to understand.

This reminds me of Tommy Vercetti from the Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, when he tells Kent Paul to speak "in plain English". Haha. 😂

!LOLZ.

And to improve this, just imagine the fact that I am not even a native English speaking person. I am Hungarian.

I never really played that game but I get the sentiment haha 😂

I have the same issue being an English Canadian living in France lol

What do you call a row of people lifting a giant mozzarella?
A cheesy pickup line.

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That was funny !

Love the hair !

I think he was waiting around to see if you'd invite him in for a beer, seeing that you now had a box full of them... or maybe there had really been two boxes and he had already consumed the other. That would be a good reason to be such a jovial deliverer of boxes.

Heheh, I might have abit of stubble this week which I might have emphasised a touch! lol.

He might have been abgling for that, I don't know if I would have had any chairs that could have borne his weight! hahaha!

Omg I can never read your posts without busting my gut, like literally! I was covering my mouth as to not chuckle too loud, and still am as I type. (yes I'm typing with both hands, which means no longer muffling laughter) You write so well, reads can actually envision what you wrote. Maybe the man-boob guy was just thirsty? Thankfully he didn't ask for a beer, knowing that's what you now had at your feet. Enjoy your beer, and happy Friday!

He might have been thirsty. After all the sweat was pouring out of him. Imagine if I had let him in and he has sweated all over the carpet!!

I have very much enjoyed some of the !BEER and looking forward to the rest. Cheers!!

Sorry, out of BEER, please retry later...

Ohhh, that is scary. telling a patron you are out of beer, lol. You best run far from him :)

Lol, as long as the beer was good. And, yes that would have probably drenched your carpet. I'm sure the good lady would not have liked that very well. Happy weekend, and happy beer time.

It’s funny, being from Bawston (Boston) myself, all I had to do was say the words in our local dialect of the fine American language (snub those damn English roots!) to know that the guy came up with some BEAH (beer). It would top it off if it was French beer! Although I don’t think the French will stoop so low to make beer, those damn Sauvignon snobs!

Ha, thats funny as it would totally fit with that accent too!

You are right, they are snobs. It was a European selection of beers and that meant they were mostly German with a random Spanish one thrown in. Not a french onein sight!

I must admit that I'm with @ryivhnn on this one...keep being terrible at translating accents, it had me in stitches.

Yes, there's a lot of fun to be had in mauling an accent! :0D

I've had good timing the last couple posts, just checked my feed both times and there you were :)

Haha! It really does sound French!

Boxes of beer handed to you at your door is freaking awesome! My stepson and his mate paid four months of 12 back deliciousness for my Christmas present, still have one to go! Nothing like a gift that keeps on giving!

(We also substantially donate to Bezos causes with our non stop order feat XD )

Lol, we are suffering from synchronicity!

I was quite impressed as a present. It was from my mate and it was quite unexpected, it had little beer snacks in it as well which was a nice touch although the venison jerky was a bit mad gamey for my taste!

Fucking Bezos, how did he manage to corner everything!

Ooohh, snacks too? Even better! Although, yeah I'm with you with venison being gamey. The only time I ever like it is when we get the...shit, forgot what they call it, but it's the most tender part. Also, has to be from a doe, females are tastier, naturally haha!

Nice of your mate!

I do make it a point to only eat the loin of a lady deer ;O)

Yeah, it was full of stuff, in the box was a tin bucket full of good shizz A company that makes beer gifts. Superb!

The box of beer, oh hell no. Moobs jostling, the classic fatman. Just thought of austin powers, fat bastard. Ive had quite the characters working at the lab. Occasionally a patient triple my weight! Cant sleep with too much neck! Gets serious with too much.

Oh, you play hardball with the accents! :) They are fun unless you are on the other end of them. I am a New Englander and we have borrowed words and towns from our forefathers. It's never pretty, but you get used to the mispronunciations.

Speaking of not understanding... it took me back to when we were just out of college and making our way around Europe when in a pub I heard someone tell another he would give him a bunch of fives, (it sort of sounded like that) then he punched him in the face, so I was never sure.

Darn Brits. I actually find it quite hilarious, these sayings. Now add that accent and I really don't have a clue.

I hope you got some good beer!!

A bunch of hives, I haven't heard that one since my youth!!

Much better here is the Glasgow kiss which is a headbutt to the nose. Not as affectionate as it sounds!!!

I meant to reply to this earlier but was recovering from my date night!

Accents and appropriated words are fab, we have quite the pile of them from all over. Especially Americanisms have made their way over here to go with the Irishisms and Englandisms and so forth. Gives me something to write about at least! :0D

Two old men, Boom! I mean when you are nary 21? They were old and hitting each other in the face?

Oh, you have recovered, have you? :) Brits have piles 'o plenty. There is no end to what you could do with them... I think you should push them all together and make a book of them, with stories to go along with them! I'll buy the first one! Or second... or I will wait in line.

It might be a short line, lol. I think with my new anti-ageing birthday moisturiser I have found my 21 year old face again ... Ha ha!


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Hey @meesterboom, here is a little bit of BEER from @steevc for you. Enjoy it!

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In Thailand it would have been smashed. They just sling everything over the gate, and you think you've got problems with accents?

In Thai, nom yai literally translated means milk big, but in use, it actually means large breasts .....my mother in law hasnt spoken to me in years. You think she'd enjoy compliments at breakfast!

HAhahahha, oh man, that would be a nightmare! I think I will have to use nom yai in everyday situations here :OD

Here they hardly leave anything because of the thieving scallywags that lurk about. Dont get me wrong, if they thought it wouldn't get nicked they would probably just throw it!

The lad had gone off to manage the Jamaican Bobsleigh team and then went traveling around American with Steve martin.

It could be an explanation!!

I think he went on a doughnut eating holiday with John Candy, back when he was alive. If he did it now that would be plain weird 🤣

Lol accents. I love to collect them up, so varied and wonderful. Tho I'd expect a Fat cockney'd not say apples and pears (as he probably never uses them, choosing lifts, thus fat) now "pigs ear" might have been apropos for the occasion.

One of my favourite things to ask a Soct to say is "Purple Burglar Alarm" there...you've just tried, eh? I wish this had sound :)

Of course we Americans butcher the language, what's left of it when we're done chewing our way thru it. However we in my state LOVE to laugh (under our breath and behind backs of course, we are polite after all) when out of 'staters' try to pronounce our very old English town names. Having a person ask directions to Worcester or Leicster Gloucester haha of course I'm amuse by simple things.

Oh and congrats on a crate of beer, now that sounds like a fun afternoon!

Haha, I keep saying people burglar alarm and it sounds weird! We utterly mangle that one!

Worcester, Leicster Gloucester are quite hilarious to hear people saying. We have a few in Scotland like Milngavie which always confuse folk as you pronounce it Mull-guy! 🤣

Yes in 'Bostonian' Worcester is 'woostah' :) I find it all pretty fascinating...I love that your family must be looking at you odd as you walk about saying "Purple burglar alarm" LOL love it.

We say woostah too but probably not with quite the same twang!