Just popping to the toilet chaps.

I hoiked myself up from the sun lounger where I had been slowly basting in the Ibiza sun and nodded at the family.

The Good Lady fluttered an eyelash or two in acknowledgment as I headed off.

I half hopped, half skipped to the shady shelter that some nearby trees offered casting the odd furtive glance behind me like a dog trying to steal a sausage.

It has been four days now and like a South African lady's legs, those days had been mostly sunny, long and glorious. I should have been dreadfully happy and I was by and large, except for one little thing.

No Phones.

The Good Lady was determined that our holiday should be about family time and family time meant No Phones.

I had laughed when she had said it. I even made a scoffing noise like a deflating pigs bladder but I was sweating and not just from the sun. The aches of not knowing anything that was happening in internet-land were mounting.

I didn't know if I could go on. And so it was, like a man desperate for a wank in a nunnery I was nipping off to the toilet to whip my phone out.
^{yes... my phone!!}

I turned the corner to the apartment and shrieked as a women in a similar sun dress to the Good Lady almost bumped into me.

You alright love? Mind how you go.

She hustled past like a second hand bicycle glancing back at me as if I were a weirdo.

I pulled myself together and dived into my apartment. Finally, I was free.

Pulling my phone out of the safe I switched it on and waited for it to boot up.

The door rattled and again I shrieked as if someone had came at my testicles with a cold spoon.

Hola, joder bien todos alpaca?

One of the cleaning maids said, popping their head round the door. I thanked the gods that it was my phone in my hand and not my pork bifter.

No, no. Mas tarde!

I shoo'd her away, my voice squeaking like microwaved chicken.

She slid away with nary a word.

I took a deep breath. Right, time for the internet. I thumbed my phone screen.

This time something landed on the roof with a scrabbling thump.

I eeeeked and jumped upwards imaging a giant black winged Good Lady pecking and slavering a hole in the ceiling and screeching downward at me NO PHONEZ!!!

Whatever it was tweeted then flew off.

I shook my head. Fuck this. Maybe she was right. Family Time it would be. There would be time for the internets after the holiday.

I put my phone away and left the apartment to head back to the guys.

When I arrived the Good Lady was waving her phone excitedly.

Daddy-Bear!! I've done it. One thousand consecutive days on Duolingo!! Isn't that amazing!!

She beamed with joy.

I looked at her phone then at her and shook my head like an old tired horse.

No phones my arse.