Rolling In The Deep

in #life3 years ago

IMG-PHOTO-ART--675364029.jpg

Hey, can you give Shady a comb when I'm out? I think she struggles now she is getting on a bit.

The Good Lady looked down at Shady our ancient old cat sympathetically as she stood at the door.

She was looking a bit unkempt. Tufts of old fur were poking up through her normally glossy black coat. She looked a bit like the inside of a hoover bag.
The cat that is, not the Good Lady

Yeah, don't worry lass. I will comb the shit out of the little fucker!

I exclaimed brightly making big rowing combing motions as if bailing out a sinking boat.

Aw. Be gentle. She's probably just moulting her winter coat and can't wash herself as well as she used to. She's eighteen after all!

The Good Lady blew our old and manky stained cat a kiss and headed out of the door.

I sauntered into the kitchen and grabbed the cat comb.

Shady followed me in and sat, her head cocked to the side as if she was lining up a particularly difficult snooker shot.

She was usually a pretty little cat. All big eyes and sleek black coat but somehow we had missed her coat getting a little tatty and tufty weird. No longer did she spend hours licking her arse and back bits as she did in her heady days of youth.

Don't you worry little miss. I will have you back to your old self in no time.

I closed the door so she couldn't escape. She wasn't the fondest of a combing. In fact, she could get a bit fighty and bitey.

With that in mind, I grabbed an oven glove and stuffed my hand in it like a baseball-playing teenager on a first date.

There, I was ready.

Right Shady, come here.

I started combing my tufty little treasure.

She arched her back and purred, stretching into it.

There there, you like a good comb eh. Get all that nasty fur out.

There was more purring and more combing. Several times I removed great fistfuls of fur from the comb and clapped myself on the back for what an amazing job I was doing.

WEOOOOWRL?!

Shady yowled and leapt away from me, the comb having pulled at a matted bit of fur that did not seem to want to budge.

Hey girl. Chill. It's all good.

I approached her gently with the comb and tried for another stroke.

Hiiiiiiiiccchhhhhhhh!!

She snarled as the comb snagged once again on a matted bit of fur and snapped a paw full of claws in my direction but luckily they batted harmlessly off the thick oven glove.

And so it begins.

We had danced this dance before. Only one of us was leaving this room uncombed and it sure as hell wasn't going to be the BoomDawg.

The battle was on.

I chased her around our kitchen launching strike after strike with the comb. Shady whirled and hissed and lashed out with her razor-sharp claws. The kitchen was awash with yelps and screams and hissing.

And that was just me.

Time passed in a blur of strike and counter strike. The air was thick with cat hair and menace. Over and over I would lash at her with the comb and manage to get a tuggy bit of fur out only for another to magically come to the surface.

After one particularly fierce exchange, there was a lull in the battle and I stopped to heave in great gulps of air. Sweat poured down my brow and my once beautiful oven glove was a shredded shell of its former self. Blood streaked in jagged lines from a million scratches down my forearm.

I glared at the Shady cat.

Is that all you've got?

I took one last deep breath and raised the comb. No more messing about. It was time to end this.

Shady sensed a change in the air. Her eyes narrowed and she hissed like an old man pulling his catheter out.

This is it, baby girl, no more messing about.

I raised the comb and stopped.

What was this??

Shady's eyes flashed malevolently as if she were being possessed by devils and her body started to shake and judder.

Fuck, what if she was turning into a mutant supervillain?

But no. She contorted and with a foul-smelling plop laid a gigantic fear shit on the floor.

It was huge, a steaming long thick log of a jobby.

Hot shitting cats?! My mouth dropped open in horror, what kind of hell-tactics were these? I raised my hands and started backing away but it wasn't over. Oh no.

My cat, now surely possessed by something from the very depths made a mrowling growling noise and proceeded to roll on top of her giant fear shit over and over whilst still maintaining a piercing eye contact with me.

Oh my god, Shady?! Stop! You are caking yourself in shit! Please... STOP!

The front door of the house opened and the Good Lady's voice rang out.

Helllooo!! Did you manage to get Shady all sorted?

Her voice had that happy chirp to it that people's voices have when they come home and their cat isn't all insanely angry and caked in shit.

Shady stopped rolling in shit and let out a weird contented purr.

I looked up to the heavens before answering...

Not quite!

Sort:  

Now that, THAT is an amazing anime scene right there XD

Okay now I know you probably embellish things slightly to make it funnier/more entertaining but seriously did that last bit actually happen? D:

[checks comments]

Oh goodness XD

Though it makes sense in a mindless revenge kinda way, I remember youngest doing a similar thing (thankfully with greasy hands from dinner and not shit that would have been infinitely more terrible), I picked him up facing away from me so he couldn't put his grotty hands on the wall (which he'd done before) or on me (which he'd also done before) so he then decided to firmly rub his hands and all the grease from dinner through his hair.

Haha, I am a master embellisher!! But sadly yes indeed. I have never seen such behaviour from her. It was like she was some other creature!!!

Lolol!! We had a similar thing with the little guy once only be wiped his hands on the side of the sofa and I was like, wtfunkz!!!!

Damn maybe you were onto something with her being possessed XD what did the Good Lady have to say?!

LoL aaaaahhhh why are children like that XD

I wonder if our parents thought the same about us XD

Apart from the initial horror she was relatively calm. Even to the extent of holding her despite all the poo so she could get a wipe down.

I am not entirely convinced that our cleaning was up to scratch so I will be making sure she aint perching on my lap for a while!

Children, I know, they just dont give a hoot! I bet our parents did, probably thought worse :OD

I really hope that that last part didn't actually happen. Once we start rolling in our own shit, it's probably time to leave this planet

unless you're an astronaut or Elon Musk ( in that case you can do so earlier ).

It did! I have never seen the likes before. I had to give her a wash which was just another level of madness on top of the combing. I might have to take her somewhere to get them to do it, she is a state!

I am a state come to think of it! My nerves are shot!

Blegh! I'm happy to not be a cat owner, let alone an old cat owner

I hope both of you recover from the shock soonish.

I think I was recovered within a few hours. The Good Lady did not sell phased at all!!

Glad to hear that, although I would know where to stick that cat comb next time...

Hehe, yes, that thought had crossed my mind

Oh dear lol...I can see it now and hear it too. Good thing I cannot smell it or it might lead me to a bout of the dry heaves lol. I haven't ever tried to comb a cat but I can well imagine it would similar to bathing one.
At least you are still in one piece!!

I am in many scratched and torn pieces. Who could have known that giving a car a good combing could lead to such drama. I think I need beer or whisky to calm me down.

A good excuse right enough. Every cloud has a silver lining! ;0)

Hahaaa...love those silver linings! Wonder if the neighbor will let me borrow his cat so I too can have a good excuse to down a whiskey :D

Oh hell, who needs an excuse?? lol

Exactly. Pretend you have a cat if anyone asks what all the racket is going on in your house and your answer the door drunk as a skunk on whisky!!!

Maybe just change the cat's name to Shitty and roll with the punches.

Hahaha, now there is an idea!! Shitty it is! Unless the kids are about :0D

Has a ring to it. Check this out man...

Heeeerrre Shitty Shitty Shitty Shitty!

Neighbors are going to love you. Trust me.

Shitty kitty kitty kitty! I can imagine the hot I will bring to the neighborhood as I strut around yelling at the bushes!

This reminds me of the time I named my dog, Kitty. Now hear me out. You see, the neighbor used to go outside every frickin night at three in the goddamn morning to stand there in his tighty whities, have a smoke, and call all his kitties in. Here kitty kitty kitty! Every fucking night.

Even when he tried whispering it was annoying.

So I got this big ass dog and named him Kitty. Every night the guy would go out and call his cats. Within two seconds the dog would run outside and start barking his head off until the guy shut up and went inside.

It went on like that for a few months.

One night I'm sound asleep and there's someone banging at my door. It's the po po. Neighbor called the cops because of my "noisy dog". Man I was pissed off. So I explained as best I could to these police...

Officers. The truth is. Every night for the past few months. Ever since I got this dog. That gentleman next door has been waking up at three in the goddamn morning just to harass my dog. He's out there calling his name every night. What do you honestly expect to happen? And if I close the latch on his door he just breaks through because this man is relentless!

So the cops go to his place. Seconds later he's yelling at me from his yard, calling me a bullshitter. So I said listen here you I have this all recorded. So I showed the cops the video and then the dog's information. Says right here name = Kitty.

Problem solved.

Actually that's all bullshit. Just a dumb joke I wrote years ago. You probably heard it already, and I used to tell it better. Just thought I'd add a disclaimer since there are crazy people around not able to comprehend and require an explanation.

That's what I hate about crazy nutjobs. Humour is impossible for them to understand. They see insult and dark meaning in everything!

I think I have seen that one before but it was all the more pleasurable being reacquainted with it! And that's the great thing about good fucking jokes!

Crazy gone quiet. Probably writing a big dumbass post again. For his fan. And I mean that singular 🤣🤣

I like that joke but it wasn't the full version. I had other lines in the joke.
How the other neighbors were pissed because their toddler is saying, "Nice Kitty" to a dog so they thought their kid was special...

sigh

I miss telling jokes. Writing them is like sculpting thoughts. Never knowing if it's actually funny until people laugh. You have one shot at this. Don't fuck it up.

If it goes well, not only are you rewarded with the feeling of accomplishment and a job well done, but you get to sit and enjoy the company of happy people.

I miss happy people.

Happy people abound. Just have to take no notice of the sadbaws in life. The mute button helps 😛

I think you should knock out a good joke post or two. You have a talent man. No shitting. Sometimes it's good to ignore the wankery. Besides all that shit drags you down. Blockchains are for fun not just hardforks Christmas 😀

Ha ha ha, jesus your cat is nuts, I can just picture the scene, you with comb in hand, mouth ajar, her with shit dispatched glaring at you and then your wife arrives home! Priceless 😅

Aye, it was a shitfest. And not quite the happy welcome she was expecting. I was tempted to hose her down. The cat, not the missus. Although that is always at the back of my mind :0D

Ohh..Would have loved to see the picture of Shady though😑

Oh trust me you really wouldn't have!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Your posts really cheer up 🤗❤ You won't get bored with you))
I hope the cat is ok)

Thank you very much!

The cat is fine now, a little lighter but fine 😀

Oh damn... that's fucking hilarious.. I nearly wet myself.. this goes to prove my point once again... #pussyrules

Lol! When I want to properly annoy the Good Lady I often talk about the pussy loving me when one is on my lap :0)

Lmao I've never heard of a cat rolling in their own shit before. That's so bizarre. Good stategic tactic though.

Hey maybe it was the cat that shit on the floor that one time. You did a post on it a while back.

I now actually think that it was the cat and not a human. I am wondering if their has been a hidden shit laying agenda in my house for a long time and I am only now seeing the light!! :0D

Hahaha that could be. Watch where you step lol

In my house, always!! Lol

Great strategy indeed.. might wanna change that cats name to Napoleon

It's a cool name for a cat haha

Cat shit is the absolute worst possible form of shit!

I do think that part 2 of this story will be much more interesting. We want to know exactly what the wife said and more importantly, who cleaned the cat! There is also much disappointment on social media today that we didn't get a picture of the poor thing! Even Themarkymark has posted pictures of his cat on Hive in the past.

Anyway, as part of my public service, here is what I suggest you do with your excess cat hair. Just make sure you give it a good shampoo and blow-dry first!

https://www.etsy.com/shop/PetHair2KnitWear

Lol. I can just imagine how allergic I would be to that. Inn the bin with it!!

After the incident it for really fucking dull. Couldn't bath her because she would go even crazier so far to wipe her down. I felt like I had run a marathon after all the chasing. Then of course, the good Lady picks her up no bother and she sits all docile for her. I was raging!!

Bloody cats

Jesus Boom !LOL

Theres something about cats i never got over, sharp teeth and claw, feisty little bastards sometimes. Cute of course, but the fear shit, lol, dam.

Fear the fear shit!! It's a terrible thing!

What do you call a witch's garage?
A broom closet.

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Holy moly 18! Thats like Yoda old in human years!

Now I know why they say:

When the going gets tough,
The tough, get shitting!

Boom that is on Satanic cat!

She is indeed Yoda-like.

And a vindictive wee bugger! They do say there is a learning opportunity in everything though. Perhaps at the next meeting where people are pissing me off I should adopt the same tactics! :0D

Next ! The cat bath ! I think I already know how that would turn out.

What a chore ! Ugh....

You tell it funny though, I can't imagine it really was.

I was just agog with a horrified fascination that she chose to win the fight in such a way. I mean, I am sure there is a behavioural explanation but I can't help thinking she just thought fuck you and your comb!

You are probably right... of course, if she knew it would mean a bath too, maybe she would have rethunk it.... or not.

I doubt it. There is a savagery to get that likes to come out and play every so often!

Oh my goodness this is funny! When I say this I mean the post, and you! An intended compliment. 🙃

Poor Shady, having to resort to hell-tactics to counter your shock-and-awe oven mitten attacks. Although, you have to hand it to her, she had your measure upon the field of battle.

I wonder, did your wife blame you for the failed Shady-grooming mission not going to plan? And, did you clean up the result of your less than effective actions? 😶

This was such a funny post.

Becca 💗

(Apologies for my rather embarrassing upvote value.)

There is nothing embarrassing about an upvote regardless of the value!

Wee managed to clean it and I had to route the wife in to help. I was 'fortunate' enough that it wasn't a squishy poo that she decided to troll about on!!

Thank you for saying so, it feels like I'm not providing any value, but maybe my comment offers at least some.

I'd say, "you're my hero" but I believe, sir, that honour would have to go to your wife who, it seems, did all the work?

Becca 💗

Your comment is value enough! That's what matters in this game.

And yes indeed, the hero of the hour is indeed the Good Lady who managed to calm the savage beast and made it all much easier!

🙃

🙃

LOL! Our old cat loved being combed, but matted bits can be a pain. If a cat turns against you then it's going to get bloody. Can be like that when they need to go in the travel box. Not had a cat shit in fear apart from when in said box and that in a car is like being gassed in the trenches.

Now give the cat a pill :)

I think she needs some kind of pill. Apart from the blood pressure ones she's on. I have had similar with the cat carrier. To the extent that we had to buy a dog one that was really big as it became impossible to stuff either of them into the regular cat sized one.

The pill is a really good idea. I'm going to suggest something like that to the vet. Given that they pretty much get the same medication as humans if she didn't take it I will for the next combing session!

5 years this has been happening to me, it started here, around people that are still here. Homeland security has done nothing at all, they are not here to protect us. Dont we pay them to stop shit like this? The NSA, CIA, FBI, Police and our Government has done nothing. Just like they did with the Havana Syndrome, nothing. Patriot Act my ass. The American government is completely incompetent. The NSA should be taken over by the military and contained Immediately for investigation. I bet we can get to the sources of V2K and RNM then. https://peakd.com/gangstalking/@acousticpulses/electronic-terrorism-and-gaslighting--if-you-downvote-this-post-you-are-part-of-the-problem

Hey, @meesterboom.

I don't have pets, but I keep hearing about products like Dinovite, a supplement, that goes on top of the cat's regular food (unless they only eat mice, birds, lizards, etc.--then I wouldn't worry about it :) that actually helps them become more healthy again. Not sure if that's what you want, but thought I'd pass it along.

re: post

Enjoyable as ever. I'd say you and Shady were fairly evenly matched in this one until she went all nuclear. :)

Until she went nuclear indeed!!

Cheers man, I will check it out. I am all for supplements especially as they are getting older and sometimes when you look at the kaka that seems to be cat food you think they need something else!

LMAO ...... Shady by name shady by nature hahahahha. Shady "Bobby" Sands out witted you in the with her dirty protest. Cats are mad bastards. Do you know that a dog knows that you are not a dog but you can still be in his pack whereas a cat thinks you are another cat and can't fathom the fact you are not one of their own. That's why they spend loads of time sizing you up to see if they can take you down. I would have ended up in A&E with my tom. He's bigger than the fecking dog. I took him to the vet once and she asked me was she friendly. I said he was yeah because he is. 10 seconds later Jeff (cat) was on her head clawing at her face. Get him off me get him off me!!! It was the straight jacket from then on for Jeff with his litle head popping out. Oh by the way I had an electrician around in the job today . His boss rang and he said "I must go El Jefe is on the line" I burst out laughing as the only other time I hear anyone say El Jefe is you!! 🤣 🤣. I wasn't aware it was a thing.

  • a dog knows that you are not a dog but you can still be in his pack whereas a cat thinks you are another cat and can't fathom the fact you are not one of their own*

Lol! I totally did not know this but now you say it, it makes so much sense of everything I have ever experienced with the moggies.

My Tom, they other one is pretty huge too but he is so placid and chilled. More so since all those years ago he had his balls chopped off, hehe.

El Jefe, I have never heard another souk say it here. Its an awesome thing. I love actually annoying my boss by saying it when he walks into the room 🤣🤣

I've known a few dogs to roll in shit, but this is a new one! XD

However I do have a roll in shit story involving a cat...we were staying at a friend's house and their Maine Coon named Fatty shit on the bed we were using...while Howie was sleeping in it. Unbeknownst to me, I climbed in bed and went to snuggle with the man, and holy damn, my first thought was "that is the foulest smelling breath I've ever encountered!" Swiftly followed by Surely he couldn't have shit himself? It was so bad I had to wake him, only to discover the pile of cat crap that he had rolled on top of! Let's just say for the remainder of our stay we kept the door locked.

Never did figure out why Fatty did such a thing!

Oh man!! That is hilarious!! I mean it is awful but what a tale. What a wee bastard Fatty is!! Poor Howie and you!

My cat shady has previously been an evil pisser. We used to have this amazing wicker bowl sort of chair thing. Literally a giant quilted half software that was amazing to sit in. Or at least it was until she pissed in it relentlessly till we had to throw it out!

Cats are utter bastarts at times!!

Oh, it is definitely hilarious!! In the moment it was horrifying, but by the time it was all cleaned up we found it hysterical. And Fatty always seemed to love Howie, so I think he may have taken marking territory to a whole new level! Howie on the other hand lost a bit of his love for the obese furball, understandably 😆

He was declaring his undying love through the medium of shit!

Oh dear. I love looking back at these things after the fact but at the time they are mental. You were right to lock him out as the last thing you would have wanted was a repeat!

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Check out the last post from @hivebuzz:

Hive Power Up Month - Feedback from May - Day 15

Why people have cats is beyond me. After this, I'd be wondering about the benefits of that cat 🐱🤢

Well, between you and me after my two cats are gone I don't think there will be any more. Pet cats for us that is,, not that I am going to go singlehandedly marauding the planet wiping out all that is cat :0D

Well any decatting super hero is a friend of mine. I shouldn't say that aloud.. there seems to be a LOT of cat lovers on Hive, but I'm dogs all the way. I try to appreciate them, I do. Perhaps the fact they make the beloved hubs sneeze and kill native birds by the truckloads turns me against them. But I'm sure they bring people happiness, mostly ..so I guess they can (mostly) stay.

My other one like a mouse today. Out in the garden, stalked it like an evil big black pawed thing of doom. He was awfully proud.

They make me sneeze and itch and make my eyes come out in hives which is a frightening thing to behold.

There are a lot of cat people on hive aren't there? Crikey, maybe the marketing people might have missed a trick. The Blockchains for cat lovers lol!!!

I love dogs but am outboard by my family, gaar

Okay since you are a dog person I like you even more.

The Cat Hive sounds bloody terrifying!!!

I dunno. I quite like the cat hive!! Could change the logo from the whatever the funk it is now to a cats head!!! 😀

Haha, perhaps - then it might fork to a Dog Hive as well, and then where would we be! untitled.gif

We would be forked!! Ah, the forking never ceases to entertain 😀

Hi @meesterboom ,according to what I read, the cat won haaaaaaaaaa a cat beat you haaaaaaaa, luckily the good lady reaches the end of the contest, I imagine your face when you tell the cat, it's all you have haaaaaaaa, with the claws that they have these animals there is nothing to do, run, but your arm will remind you that you did not run :)
I imagine how everything turned out, cat hair and more cat hair haaaaaa

It did beat me. It bear me fair and square. But ultimately, I am the one who feeds the little blighter so we will see who wins in the long game!! :0D

This post made me laugh out loud.

I once had a cat that would retaliate for getting scolded by going to the litter pan to have a dump, then immediately kicking it as far from the pan as possible. Usually, it would get poop smeared on its paw in the process.

Then, it would walk somewhere to clean its paw. Somewhere very far from the room containing the litter pan. Leaving a trail of a single paw smearing poop.

So, to us mere owners, we'd see the single paw poop-trail. Then try to find the cat to clean the paw. Once the paw was cleared, we'd head to the room that housed the litter tray (cleaning the single paw poop trail along the way) and try to find the flung poo. A few times, this poop was adhered to the wall about 12" above the floor.

Lastly, we'd sit back and try to remember what we had did to upset the cat. The little bugger was known to hold a grudge for up to 24 hours.

going to the litter pan to have a dump, then immediately kicking it as far from the pan as possible...

Mine do exactly that. Right up to the leaving a trail of litter in their wake. I spend more time sweeping than I do sleeping it feels like!

I am slightly lucky in the respect that when they kick the poo out it doesn't trends to go too high or too far. Except for sometimes when we don't know and then find a fossilised halls cigar some days or weeks later.

They can hold grudges for a damned long time!!