Can you do me a favour? Ileyena is on the class WhatsApp group for the Little Boom and she is having trouble accessing the homework on that new app they have.
The Good Lady popped her head into the Attic where I was working and made a weird sad clown face which I took to be her Help me Obi-Wan, you're my only hope expression.
I knew I had to tread carefully here because her weird sad clown face was frighteningly similar to her weird sex clown face and a gentleman has to have a care for getting his pork bifter out only when the situation demands it.
Ileyena... Is that Hawkmouth?
I barely looked up from my laptop where I was trying to make a bar graph look more like a mountain someone would actually want to look at.
Pfft, yes it is "Hawkmouth" but you know I don't like you calling the other parents names.
She made a humphing noise like a dog on a stick.
I'm not calling them names, lass. I am using nicknames as a term of endearment.
I smiled winningly, I always found a winning smile accompanied a good lie extraordinarily well.
A term of endearment? A term of endearment? What about Louise? What is it you call her?
The Good Lady said sternly.
Louise? Oh, she's "The Unfuck."
I smiled even wider now. I loved saying that.
The Unfuck?! What does that even mean?! I will tell you what it means. It means you are being a meanie. That's what it means!
She lifted a hand to the side of her head as if it were an aerial on an old TV Set with a rolling picture.
She took a deep breath as she attempted to bring back her usual serene calm.
So anyway, Ileyena can't get that new app SeeHear to show her kids homework but you managed it didn't you? Could you go on the WhatsApp group and help her?
She gave me a plastic-looking smile. One that wouldn't be out of place on Taylor Swift's face as she stroked a potato.
Oh lass, you know I hate the WhatsApp group. It's full of fucking numpties that don't know how anything works. They could give Jon Snow a run for his money. I mean, it's amazing they even managed to let a baby successfully fall out of their himjiminies?
I frowned at the thought. I tried not to think about childbirth after having lived through two of them. Sometimes, I could still hear my own screaming.
Oh go on. I think you owe it to the group for being mean and making up mean names for them behind their back. Even if they don't make sense, ha!
The Good Lady snorted smugly as if she had just kicked a vegan into a goal made of ham.
Whatdya mean, don't make sense?!
I was offended. More offended than I had been in some time. More offended than when I am confronted by a dirty spoon and that is a terrible thing to see.
Your bloody nicknames. They don't make sense really. I mean, sometimes they sound funny but I just sort of laugh even though they don't really mean anything.
The Good Lady did not seem to be aware that she was digging a very deep hole with the spade of her words. A very deep hole that might be her grave.
They do make sense. Every nickname I give someone has roots that make sense.
I sniffed haughtily as though I were a movie critic asked to review Ghostbusters 2016.
Oh really. Go on then, hit me. How is Louise "The Unfuck?." God, I hate even saying that. You are so crude at times.
She made the kind of face which pre-YouTube used to mean you smelt something bad but now means you think something is awesome.
I took a deep breath.
You're not going to like it.
I readied myself to run perhaps forever like that Argentinian guy that no one can ever remember his name.
I am sure it will be hilarious.
Sarcasm dripped from the Good Lady's tongue like nectar from a bee's tit.
Well, it's because when I see Louise's husband he always looks so morose that I think he wishes he could unfuck his missus so that he would never have had children and could be truly happy.
I tried a winning smile at the Good Lady again.
She glared back at me coldly then pointed at my phone.
Go on WhatsApp and help Louise.
She stomped off.
I guess it wasn't quite hilarious then.
