It seemed like just another day as a humdrum dad in a humdrum neighbourhood but little did I know what the events of the day would bring.
It started out innocuously enough. My family gathered around the bed where I was doing my best to sleep off a truckload of wine that I had rip-roaringly guzzled the night before.
I believe at one point I had even leapt upon an imaginary dragon and flew around the room pronouncing myself the King of the Wine.
I woke to a chorus of Happy Birthday to you...!
Through the hip hip hooraying I managed to crack an eye open and grunt for water. The family obliged by laying down a tray filled with water and various fried things that only a Scotsman could love.
I would have wept with gratitude but my hangover had claimed all of the water in my body and I was a mere dehydrated shell awaiting the chance to flower again one day.
The family retreated from the room cheering loudly that my presents awaited downstairs.
I shook my head and set about the feast they had prepared me, in order to be ready for the so-called presents down below.
Some time later I tentatively stepped into the living room where once again I was regaled with a loud chorus of Happy Birthday. I tried to look manly and not faint or lean on anything.
My daughter, the Little Lady escorted me to the couch and advised me to sit down because a present storm was coming in hard and fast.
They began passing me various garishly wrapped things and imploring me to open it, OPEN IT.
Manfully I did and we went through the traditional check box items of socks, a mug, an item of clothing, a book etc etc etc. In fact, all of the usual shite that I could barely give a hoot for.
Then I opened something sloshy sounding and despite my body heaving with post-wine jitters I grinned long and hard to see a bottle of Lagavulin 16-year-old Whisky.
Perhaps today was going to be a good day after all.
And yet, there was one more present still to come.
The Good Lady stepped forward and handed me a smaller gift. She had a cheeky smile on her face as she saw me start to unwrap it.
What could it be? Why was she acting so mysterious? Could it top the whisky? Nah, surely nothing could top the whisky?
Good fucking god? What... what in the name of black fuck was this? Bollock cream?
Bollock cream?
I crooked a terrible eyebrow at the Good Lady.
I saw this and knew you would love it.
She chirped excitedly.
Do you love it?
She grinned nervously and I looked first at her and then at this gigantic tube of bollock cream.
My bollocks were already one of the great wonders of the world. Could they be improved? Should they be improved?
I blinked rapidly. I didn't know if the world was ready for Silk Purse 2.0 but even as I thought that I found myself grinning.
I held my arms out to the Good Lady and she came in for a big cuddle.
I looked over her shoulder and chortled to myself.
Get ready world, the Ball King is coming.
