Daddy-Bear, can you come into the lounge? We want a little chat.
The Good Lady's voice had an edge to it that made my nethers want to run away and hide somewhere safe like the fuzzy hairy bit behind the fridge.
What? I'm kinda busy, doing all this busy man stuff.
I was indeed busy. I was taking a photo of an ancient old Guitar effects board that I was hoping to sell on Facebook. Facebook was shit but it was at least handy in letting you connect to random folk who wanted to buy your second-hand wares.
Although I still hadn't had a bite on my Jizzbombs that I had been trying to punt for months.
KIind of like a seed bomb but you know, with jizzum
Daddy-bear, could you come now, please?
Her voice had that long-suffering note to it that implied she was either trying to mount a stubborn donkey or was impatient that I hadn't come running shouting yes boss.
I wondered how she had got a donkey in the house without me noticing.
Grunting, I put my phone away and walked through to the lounge to see whatever fate awaited.
The Good Lady and Little Lady were sitting cosily together on the couch.
I flopped into the armchair across from them and gazed at them implacably as if I was Jean-Luc Picard staring at an anomaly on the big screen and wondering if I should remind the crew of the Prime Directive.
Thank you for joining us.
The Good Lady said with a snark that would have earned her a part on any American High Scool drama.
Yeah yeah, ladies. What can I, the immortal dog do for you both?
I waved a hand benevolently to the side like a good King should. I wondered if they were going to bring me alms. Hopefully, whatever they were, they were tasty.
They managed to both roll their eyes at the same time in my direction and not for the first time I regretted not having sold them both to that Persian trader that had passed through town some years ago.
Daddy-Bear, the Little Lady has something she would like to tell you.
The Good Lady smiled reassuringly at the Little Lady who looked, alarmingly, more than a little nervous.
What's up lass. Spill the beans. You can tell me anything, you know I will always love you.
I tried to sound warm and fuzzy even though something had tightened in my chest. What the hell was going on with the Little Lady?
Was she being bullied? Hadn't my tried and tested, punch them in the neck and feel no remorse teachings paid off?
Crikey, was she going to come out and tell me she liked girls and that I had better get checked shirt shopping? That might not be so bad, I quite liked a checked shirt myself.
Maybe I was thinking too small, maybe she was going to tell me she was the chosen one and had to leave us to embark on a perilous quest through the dragon lands to find an ancient crystal shard which would restore light and goodness to the world.
Fucking hell, this was shaping up to be quite the crazy Sunday.
Daddy, I think I have decided to become a vegetarian.
The Little Lady looked sheepish as if she had already started munching Tofu and grass whilst farting long and hard through the night.
I felt a wave of relief wash over me.
A vegetarian? Well, that's cool. Not a vegan though?
I had to ask, just to make sure.
Ewww, Daddy, no. Not a vegan! Just a vegetarian!
The Little Lady looked appalled at the idea of becoming a Vogon.
Well, that's cool baby. We can cook vegetables together and you can watch me eat all the meat. Come here for a hug!
I opened my arms and welcomed her in for a cuddle.
Thank fuck she wasn't going Vegan.
