Greetings! Hello, Hivers and blockchain pioneers, virtual family locked in a real world. Thanks for tuning in today.
Nah.
Greetings, lovely Hivers and friends. I hope this finds you in glorious spirit and health, friends. Thanks for being here today, friends.
Or not.
Welcome! Greetings, beautiful Hive community. Thanks for visiting my bloggity bla bla whatever so I'm due for a reno.
I've been spending a lot of time in new content lately. It's just like trending except totally unpredictable. I'm looking for fresh entertainment. Show me a new user with a nice cover image and I'll show you a new user with DanDays support. Add a clever opening sentence, I'll even drop a comment.
What I did not expect to find while doing what I just said I've been doing is a lot of opening paragraphs like the first three in this one. Do people really talk like that?
Hello hello nice Saturday my beautiful community 😘 how are you? I hope it's ok!
That's a quote.
Hello everyone good evening wherever you are, how are you tonight? Hope you are fine wherever you are.
Quote, again.
Maybe I'm doing it wrong. By maybe I mean definitely most likely. I must be doing it wrong. The common denominator here is me. I'm always the same damn common denominator! I envy uncommon denominators.
So, I took it to the streets.
To experiment with the opposite kind.
For the past couple weeks I've been practicing being uncommon.
First exercise was at the gas station. I didn't just find an available pump and park, hell no I did not! Plug in a card, enter the pin into the little keypad on the front of the pump and pump gas in the car is so common.
I walked inside.
Mhm.
With both feet.
Found an available pump, parked the car and went inside the station cuz I got some new shit to try out! Didn't even check prices.
:DING:
(Door chime bell thing convenience stores have that alerts the attendant when someone enters)
There's one other gentleman in there and the cashier, he's got his young daughter on his shoulders, they're at the counter paying for their items. The cashier's a young girl, barely a day out of high school probably. Sweetheart, though, I can tell. She greeted me as I walked in.
Hi, welcome to Citgo.
Greetings! And finest of pleasantries to you young lady attendant of carbon emissions!
I announced affirmatively like Steve Correll in Evan Almighty where he's Noah and commanded all the animals to get in the arc.
And you there, young whippersnapper atop pops shoulders on a lovely sunny day, greetings! Today's national empty your pockets on pump 4 day!
I meant me. I'm parked at pump 4. I meant I'll empty my own pockets cuz I didn't stick my card in the machine at the pump like a common denominator.
"Daaaddy," she said warily as her eyes welled up. He lifted her over his head and tucked her in his forearm like a football. Didn't even take their items—left everything he just paid for on the counter and took off the opposite direction in a panic like he forgot to set the e-brake in his truck and it's rolling out the parking lot.
The station attendant froze like a corpse. I reached for my wallet and she threw herself on the ground behind the bulletproof glass. :time out:
(If you're tuned in from outside the US and have never been there, bulletproof glass is totally normal. I don't remember seeing it anywhere else but in the states it's everywhere, not just banks and federal buildings. You'll see bulletproof glass stateside at the hardware store, public transport, launderette, sandwich shop and especially the gas station. Totally normal like Russian political oppositions falling out of windows. :time in:)
Round 1 was an epic failure. I apologized and set $40 on the counter.
Sorry about that. Didn't mean to scare you. I'm just trying to be uncommon.
She slowly peaked over the counter.
Would you please put this on pump 4? Thank you.
And walked back out to the car. A couple minutes later she pushed the button or switch or whatever they do back there to make the pump work.
I filled up and split like a surrogate in hiding. First attempt didn't work out nearly as smoothly as I'd imagined.
About halfway between the house and market are the baseball fields. I don't know what street it is, I stopped paying attention to street signs as soon as cars began telling me when to turn. There's a church on the corner, behind it are seven baseball fields encompassed by a nice footpath and forest. I take Atlas there all the time.
Baseball fields.
I've never taken her to church. Plenty to choose from, that's for sure. One thing they're not short on in The South are churches—baptist churches. With the exception of maybe a Mormon church or two, they're all baptist.
That was a lie.
There's also all those people who wear black suits and dresses in black top hats with white collars around their necks who stand up and down the length of Kingston Pike on Saturday's wielding a Bible in one hand and a cardboard sign in the other that spells everything with eth and I don't mean Ethereum.
THOU SHALTETH REPENTITH AT ONCEETH OR SPENDETH ETERNITYETH IN THE DEPSETH OF HELLETH❗️
All capitals like too. Every Saturday they're out there like Seventh Day Adventists.
Or not, I don't know, but I know they're out there every Saturday so whatever religion that is. And I know they could use a new PR team, too. Cardboard signs are so.. 'unhoused'
Where the hell was I?
Baseball fields.
So, anyway, I take Atlas there all the time. On this day, however, I'm not alone. I've never seen so many dog owners in the same place at the same time.
Never mind. Must be baseball season.
Or at least Little League. The whole parking lot's full and the bleachers are stacked with people who I presume are parents watching their kids spread out across each field playing baseball. Correction, Tee-ball. The one where they prop the ball up on a stand at home plate and hit it.
Perfect opportunity, I thought. Opportunity doesn't have to knock around me, I leave the door open like methadone clinics in the city.
With all these soccer moms gathered together in one place, I shouldn't have to try so hard to be uncommon.
Greetings!
I said like an opening sentence.
Welcome, friends! Thanks for being here with me today. I hope you're healthy. I have no stake in this game so I won't be barking orders or threatening coaches or anything like that, I'm here for uncommon purposes only.
A buncha ladies began digging frantically through their purse like they lost an earring back.
I'm calling 9-1-1!!
One shouted at me.
A couple others shouted other things I won't repeat here cuz this is a family show for fucks sake.
I watched them collect empty bottles and trash and whatever else they could find as each one of them wound up an arm and took aim at me.
But I'm just being uncommon!
About that time a couple dudes who assumably are fathers of these little people left the bleachers and are walking towards me. Angrily.
Like birds.
A couple others followed, there's gotta be 10 dads backing me up. I put my hands out in front of me like bumpers in a mirror maze.
Easy fellas, I can't run. I'm just looking for fresh entertainment.
They backed me all the way to the car. I got back inside and left, took Atlas down to the footpath and walked her through the forest OR for the sake of comedy—an alternate ending:
They backed me all the way to the car. Before I had a chance to get back inside and leave, they took turns kicking the shit out of me and left me for dead.
Fine line between weirdo and uncommon, iGuess. Not sure about all this. Either I need help or everyone online's fulla shit.
