I woke up this a.m in a fog. Nothing around me was clear. Glasses, check, rubbed my eyes, common impromptu morning motions but to no avail. I went outside for fresh air before going in complete crisis mode like EYE CAN'T FUCKING SEE! and all it did was get worse.
Now's as good a time as any I guess to try out the Magic Switch. Just got it a couple days ago. UPS dropped it off Thursday, left it against the garage door, we were delivering meals for Love Kitchen.
I fucking hate it when they do that! Assholes. The driveway's a little steeper than most and, instead of climbing the 6-pack of steps at the top of the drive, they lean packages against the garage door where I can't see them unless a camera alerts me or we open the garage door and hear the thing fall over, who tf does that?!? UPS, that's who, bastages! Haven't crushed one with the car yet but that doesn't mean they stopped trying. Determined ass Brown.
"What can Brown do for you?"
Walk up a half dozen steps, that's what!
Don't even walk up all six for fucks sake. Step on the second one, extend an arm and slide it; step - extend - slide / step - extend - slide but no0Ooo lean it against the garage door where no one can see it anywho..
Magic Switch.
They make a couple different ones, each have unique capabilities. I got the one that changes things I don't like into whatever I want it to be. I have a court case coming up, need a jury of 12 puppies.
Delete the fog, please, maybe remove some leaves, too. I don't know, whatever else you think to make it look like April.
:click:
Dayum!
That's even better than I thought, I thought. You know how tech companies advertise one thing and deliver another. Not these guys—bargain at twice the price.
Less mud, I just got these shoes. April, just make it look like April again, please, without the cold. Looks like April, feels like June. ...AANND! A river.
:click:
Take that, A.i.
(I got your word prompt right here)
I received a citation in the mailbox. Naive me didn't know they could do that. The district attorney said they used satellite imagery to zoom in on my license plate, seized some nearby cctv footage of Daddy's G - A Model Female Dog and myself, identified her microchip and yata yata, whatever else they said. They knew all of my first and last names back to 2017, address, eye color, a detailed description of my manicured fingernails which I'll never get over how weird that is, by the way. Year, make and model of the car, et cetera.
Evidence is stacked against me.
State of Confusion
V.
DanDays - The Luckiest Guy I Know
Good morning, your honor, I'm clueless as to what brings us here today. I understand how valuable your time is. With all due respect to both the court and the district attorney, I'd like to make a motion to dismiss all charges against me based on the states lack of evidence. They have no case, your honor.
I side-eye winked at the district attorney; a condescending wink where a tooth sparkles at the same time while stealthy easing back into my seat like I hope you brought a lunch, motherfucker.
Judge Samuel W. Itchiss presiding. He invited the district attorney to present their case. I leaned back in my chair, kicked a leg across my lap and laced my fingers behind my head in a desperate attempt to pretend I was chill when in actuality I'm painfully avoiding laughing out loud.
(Sandwiches, really?!? Sam W. Itchiss LtfOL..)
Your honor, states evidence would like to submit exhibit A; a photograph of a clearly marked ordinance sign permanently affixed to the park entrance in question and less that 40 feet from the defendants vehicle.
He didn't have a chance to return to his seat before I stood up to defend myself. If that's their idea of evidence, I'll be outta here before the parking meter expires.
I see well beyond the 40 feet described by the district attorney in that photo, your honor, and nowhere in it do I see my car the state claims to have witnessed.
The judge agreed. He threw out exhibit A and called on the prosecution to present their next piece of evidence.
State would like to introduce exhibit B, your honor. At the gate entrance the defendant illegally accessed is another posted sign preventing pets and there's the defendants dog, plain as day! She's unmistakably stunning and, if you look closely, she's baiting the states photogra..
Before he finished saying photographer, I popped up faster than a Starbucks to defend myself.
Your honor, would you please instruct the district attorneys office to explain exactly what I'm on trial for. My citation says leash infraction. However, I see nowhere on that sign that mentions leash.
Again, Sandwiches found in my favor, threw out exhibit B—next!
Your honor, before the states case rests, we'll submit our third and final piece into evidence, exhibit C—video. The following footage identifies the defendants dog unleashed whom we've slowed down at the very end of the reel for a clear view of her adorable law breaking face. At less than 1 year old, your honor, she's already heeling within inches of the defendant like a genius.
I must've watched that clip 10 times, she's such a G. Gonna be tough to dispute this one. Obviously that's Atlas and that gimp ass walk next to her is none other than yours truly. Photo evidence is damning enough but video?! I'm gonna need a recess.
Your honor, we need a little more time to study that video. May we please take a short recess?
"Court adjourned," brushing his gavel against the bench and broke us for lunch—1 hour. I got an hour to pull off a hat trick.
I went out to the car, Magic Switch, it's in the glovebox. They got metal detectors at the court entrance so I didn't try bringing it in.
I need a jury that can reeeally overlook some shit! Multiple bankruptcy's, numerous failed business practices, sexual misconduct, fraud, mutiny and whatever else I'm missing. No charge is worthy of a conviction! A jury who'll blatantly ignore video evidence. 12 tunnel vision having jurors of my peers who'll incessantly cling to every word I pull outta my ass.
:click:
Not Guilty!
