ENGLISH
I think it is already a habit, to come here at night to talk about how I feel, about what I like and dislike, about my life, my thoughts, my stories. Sometimes it takes me a while to write because I think who might be interested in this, then I remember that what is made from the soul has something that attracts, and is the way in which everything ends up being genuine, besides that, there is the fact of practicing, that if I continue like this, with time I will be better and well, expressing myself helps to know me, to know us.
Today, Mother's Day, while living at my grandmother's house, I saw several of my aunts arrive, and all of them, without exception, asked me about my thesis. They asked when I was defending and the truth is that I felt a kind of fear, nervousness and pride. I feel that writing this is a string of things I have already said, but the truth is that I have not said them to anyone, I only say them to myself, I only speak in my head. That's why here, even if I'm silent, I can let off steam, I can shout and whether you read it or not, the important thing is that it is not something that stays only in my mind, somehow I capture it.
So, does the degree work matter as much as I'm being led to believe? I know it doesn't, but that's because I'm looking at it from so many perspectives. If I think about it from my mom's point of view, it's one of the things she's looked forward to the most for as long as I can remember, and more than for me, I'm doing it for her. Without getting into misunderstandings, I want my degree and I love my career, but what I am doing for her is giving so much importance to something that in time will be just a memory...a nice memory.
However, what pride I feel when I think of all that I have achieved, how I saw myself a year ago and how everything is going now. I believe that in another year everything will be completely different, but for the better, I hope it will be for the better. I start to compare myself and I realize that one compares oneself from what is lacking, from envy almost, sadness is something that always comes with the comparison, they are always coupled and trying to break that gear means comparing oneself from arrogance, which sometimes ends up being even worse.
So I tend to compare myself to myself, and really whenever I look back I always see worse versions of myself in one way or another. I'm happy about that, but by statistics, it means I still haven't reached my best version, I still have work to do. The problem resonates when I compare myself to versions of me that have not and will not exist, I create impossible goals for myself and punish myself if I don't achieve them, so is it really okay what I'm doing? Sometimes I feel like the only way to achieve what I want is to be a person I'm not, but then, that's not what I want.
I live in a continuous duality, in a permanent paradox. I am aware of that, I understand what I have yet to learn and what I should do, but on Sunday nights, how do I calm my mind? Here, I do it by writing, I do it thinking that I will be read and that, as a clichΓ©, everything will be better.
Finally I need to talk about Willow's latest album, which took me completely by surprise, as I was expecting a punk rock album as it usually is, but their latest album Empathogen ended up being something that at times reminded me of Sade, with beautiful vocals and incredible rhythms that go from rock to ballads and R&B, soft but intense, it feels like one of those albums from the 80's of great artists of the genre like Michael Jackson or Sade herself.
Listening to music is something I consume both for entertainment and for the love of art, and I can say that these artists and albums are good for either, both for listening while you are writing or doing a chore, as well as when you sit down to analyze part by part the music and lyrics. A hobby that not only fills the soul, but also fills you with culture and is as healthy as water, being the best thing I can recommend for any day and any emotion.
SPANISH
Creo que ya es costumbre, el venir aquΓ de noche a para hablar de cΓ³mo me siento, de lo que me gusta y disgusta, de mi vida, de mis pensamientos, de mis relatos. A veces tardo en escribir porque pienso a quiΓ©n le puede interesar esto, despuΓ©s recuerdo que lo que estΓ© hecho desde el alma tiene algo que atrae, y es la forma en la que todo termina siendo genuino, ademΓ‘s de eso, estΓ‘ el hecho de practicar, de que si sigo asΓ, con el tiempo serΓ© mejor y pues, expresarme sobre mi ayuda a conocerme, a conocernos.
Hoy, dΓa de las madres, al vivir en casa de mi abuela vi llegar a varias de mis tΓas, y todas, sin excepciΓ³n, me preguntaron por mi trabajo de grado. Preguntaron cuΓ‘ndo defendΓa y la verdad sentΓa una especie de miedo, nerviosismo y orgullo. Siento que escribir esto es una retahΓla de cosas que ya he dicho, pero la verdad es que no se las he dicho a nadie, solo me las digo a mΓ, solo hablo en mi cabeza. Por eso aquΓ, aunque estΓ© en silencio, logro desahogarme, puedo gritar y si lo leen o no, lo importante es que no es algo que se queda solo en mi mente, de alguna forma lo plasmo.
Entonces, el trabajo de grado, ΒΏimporta tanto como me lo estΓ‘n haciendo creer? SΓ© que no, pero es porque lo estoy viendo desde muchas perspectivas. Si lo pienso desde el punto de vista de mi mamΓ‘, es una de las cosas que mΓ‘s ha esperado desde que tengo uso de memoria, y mΓ‘s que por mΓ, lo estoy haciendo por ella. Sin caer en malentendidos, quiero mi tΓtulo y me encanta mi carrera, pero lo que estoy haciendo por ella es darle tanta importancia a algo que con el tiempo serΓ‘ solo un recuerdoβ¦un lindo recuerdo.
Sin embargo, quΓ© orgullo siento al pensar en todo lo que he logrado, en como me veΓa hace un aΓ±o y cΓ³mo va todo ahora. Creo que en otro aΓ±o todo serΓ‘ completamente diferente, pero para mejor, espero que sea para mejor. Empiezo a compararme y me doy cuenta de que uno se compara desde lo que falta, desde la envidia casi, la tristeza es algo que viene siempre con la comparaciΓ³n, siempre se acoplan y tratar de quebrar ese engranaje significa compararse desde la arrogancia, cosa que, a veces, termina siendo incluso peor.
Ahora "Rusowsky", un productor espaΓ±ol que ha trabajado con artistas venezolanos, espaΓ±oles, y argentinos. CuΓ‘ndo creΓ que no podrΓa conseguir algo mΓ‘s innovador en la mΓΊsica urbana, me encontrΓ© con este productor que tiene una mezcla de tantos estilos que la verdad es imposible recomendarlo a alguien a quien no le guste TODO tipo de mΓΊsica, pasando de cumbia a EDM a neo perreo y asΓ hasta mΓ‘s no poder, combinando una producciΓ³n completamente nueva para todos, con unas letras y un ritmo que recuerda mucho a la mΓΊsica latina que pondrΓa poner a bailar a cualquiera.
Por eso suelo compararme conmigo mismo, y realmente siempre que veo atrΓ‘s veo peores versiones de mΓ de una u otra forma. Me alegra eso, pero por estadΓstica, significa que aΓΊn no alcanzo mi mejor versiΓ³n, aΓΊn tengo que trabajar. El problema resuena cuando me comparo con versiones de mΓ que no han existido y que no existirΓ‘n, me creo metas imposibles y me castigo si no las logro, entonces, ΒΏen serio estΓ‘ bien lo que estoy haciendo? A veces siento que la ΓΊnica forma de lograr lo que quiero es siendo una persona que no soy, pero entonces, eso no es lo que quiero.
Vivo en una continua dualidad, en una permanente paradoja. Estoy al tanto de eso, entiendo lo que me falta por aprender y lo que deberΓa hacer, pero en las noches de los domingos, ΒΏcΓ³mo hago para calmar mi mente? AquΓ, lo hago escribiendo, lo hago pensando que me van a leer y que, cΓ³mo clichΓ©, todo estarΓ‘ mejor.
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