First of all, I must admit it: I haven't been prioritizing my sleep as I should, and the neglect has taken its toll on me. These past two weeks were incredibly hectic, filled with unexpected events, both happy and sad, and everything in between. They required 100% of my presence and strength. On top of that, I had to add another 100% to remain functional in the day-to-day aspects of life: communicating with my loved ones meaningfully and on a regular basis, eating, getting my cardio done, taking care of the house, working, writing, expressing through art... I managed to juggle everything but sleep. Hmm. I know a few who are not going to be very happy about that.
Yesterday, I was having a deep conversation with a very dear friend of mine, from which I had been apart for some time, about the contrast that often exists between how we see each other and how others perceive us. I mention this because I had (once again, yes) the epiphany that I should start caring for myself the way I care for others, and the way others (those who love me, the ones that matter) care for me. I would want them to prioritize themselves and their wellbeing, always, and would try to find some common ground for both of us to feel appreciated and with our boundaries being respected and understood.
To discover our own boundaries can be a tricky thing to do when we weren't even taught that we should have some for our overall health to be sustainable on time. I didn't know that as a child, probably because my caregivers didn't even realize that it was something to consider about themselves. So, like many other vital elements of life, I've been learning this on my own. It's not easy, but I'm doing my best, and often find some space to reflect on where I'm at, progress-wise. This week... Well, I decided, consciously, to push my boundaries a little.
My instinct, that lovely inner voice that so very few have had the chance to speak directly to, told me this week would mark my path forward, in a positive way, as not many others have. And as the moments have unfolded, I'm sure I've made the right calls, even if it has cost me a few (a lot) hours of sleep. These past weeks have transcurred whilst I've been in my highest peak of energy, the maniac state of my so-called disorder, and I guess it was a lucky shot. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to cope with as much as I have, and I wouldn't have felt good about it.
But now, as I write, it seems that the turbulent currents have softened and receded a little, just enough for me to find some rest. You see, I had been pushing myself way too hard, and I think it's time to let the rubber band of my boundaries and feelings go back to its relaxed position. That's why I decided I'm taking a short break, a true weekend of sorts. With these precious hours I'm gifting to myself, I will rest, foremostly, and have fun. Lots of fun. The plan is to resume posting (writing) on Sunday afternoon, with plenty of room to work on my WE topic, which I really don't want to miss. But of course, given that chaos is such a great friend of mine, I'll keep an eye on how I truly feel and adjust the course as required. If I'm needing a few more hours of just relaxing, I'll gladly take them and feel absolutely no guilt about it. Okay, maybe a tad, but I'll deal with it.
Last night I was so freaking tired I couldn't fall asleep. I had been running on adrenaline and cortisol for far too long and those hormones do the exact opposite of what I needed, in order to be able to fall soundly asleep. There are a few measures one can take to trick the body into believing it's not in danger anymore, which means lowering the levels of stress-induced hormones. For the most part, those measures involve very pleasant things, so I took them, right when I knew I couldn't go for another second without getting some rest. And then, I slept. I fell deep into a state of no dreams (just one, actually, the most beautiful one I have). The sound of my slowed-down breathing lulled me into comfortable darkness, not the one that creeps in and squeezes my lungs but one where the light of love shines dimly enough to not bother my non-REM state.
Right about now, I'm listening to some songs that turn my party mode on. Not the frenzied kind, but the small-gathering-at-the-beach-during-twilight-hours kind. Woah, that was a long string of words. From now on, I'll call that type of party a beacheringlight. Okay, probably not as legit as I wanted it to be, so I'm open to suggestions. I know a couple of masters in the ancient art of worderization so I'm hoping they'll come through. Anyway, what I meant is that I'm in the slow-dancing-to-techno zone, an enjoyable vibe that allows me to feel energized but not overwhelmed. I'm going to link one for you down below, the beat I've been liking the most, whose lyrics did the final blow into hooking me. This song makes me feel like I'm on the right track, and that if I was to steer off it for some reason, I can always get it right back.
Okay, I'm off to have some fun now. See you soon!
