Hello friends!
I hope you're all enjoying your week so far and are ready for a smashing weekend. It's been pretty nice out around here, even though there hasn't been as much sun as usual. But, to be honest, knowing the summer we're about to get hit with, I'm happy with the temperatures lately.
I've shared quite a bit of my life on here - the good, the bad and the ugly. Some may think I've opened up a bit too much and you might be right - I do tend to talk a lot in real life too (which is why my mom always said I'd make a great lawyer). But in the end, Hive has been one of the few outlets that have helped me these past few months.
I've been thinking a lot about everything lately - my job, my life in general, and I've come to the conclusion that I need a break. I've been off work since late April. First month felt more or less like a vacation. Suddenly, I had a lot of time on my hands so I didn't know what to do with it. So I slept a lot. A lot. At first, I thought it was simply because I was exhausted. But then I remembered a video I saw a while ago about the correlation between depression and sleep. It all made sense. It's been downhill ever since. I've stopped seeing 99% of my friends, deleted Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn. Suddenly I felt overwhelmed by everything and everyone. It took me over a month to completely clean my place. I still remember telling Sophia's dad about this and him saying "So stop talking about it and just do it.". It hurt and still does because no matter what I say to people, nobody seems to understand what I'm going through. And I'm so tired of trying to find the proper words.
I'm still trying to figure out a way to work around all this. My therapist has also been on vacation for the past two weeks so there was no one to discuss it with. It's such a weird situation because part of me feels like I've been through this already which makes sense since all my issues started when I was merely 4 years old. But another part of me feels lost - I don't fully understand what's happening with me and why is it all happening all at once?! Did the burn out trigger all the other issues or was it the other way around? If I've always had this darkness in me, then why wasn't I aware of it?
Source: Healthy Place
To be honest, I think I know the answer to the last question. Mental health has always been kind of a taboo in Bulgaria. And even though it's become a bit easier to talk about this over the years, we're still not quite there yet. I know for a fact that if I was to share a bit of my struggles with my mother, she'd brush it off quickly with a "You're imagining things. You're ok, just need to sleep more.". Which is why I haven't told her anything. It hurts so much more when someone you care about is being dismissive of your feelings. And it pains me that I don't feel comfortable sharing how I feel with neither one of my parents. The only person I've felt comfortable talking about it was my cousin. She's always been interested in psychology so growing up, she's been kind of like my pillar. She was the first person I told about starting to see a therapist and the first one to tell me how proud she was of me.
Speaking of, my first therapy session was cathartic. I went into it stressing about the conversation, about being judged and also the possibility of my therapist thinking I'm insane. I've always been sad but I never thought about the root of it all. I figured it was situational and would go away as time progressed. Alas, it seems it's not as simple as I once thought. And just when I was starting to feel a hint of progress, both Sophia and I got Covid. Then an incident at work triggered another panic attack. Which only reassured me into taking some time off work because I was done, with everything. Both physically and emotionally.
Most of my days now I spend in bed, watching "Grey's Anatomy" or crying myself to sleep. I can't even figure out why I'm crying, it happens just like that. I have no energy to hold any type of conversation with anyone. All I want is to be by myself and not have to get up in the morning to bring Sophia to school or pick her up. The saddest part of it all is that no matter how much people tell me they can and want to help me, in reality they can't. It's something I need to overcome myself and, at this point, I have no idea how the F I will do that.
All this to say, I will be taking a break from Hive. I've enjoyed my time on here so much but my brain needs some time out from all things social. I will definitely miss you all and am extremely grateful for the warm welcome you've all greeted me with almost a year ago. I'm hoping to be back soon but I really don't know when that will be.
Thank you all. Sending all of you hugs and sunny thoughts 🙂
